dealing with in laws...

[rosedavo]

In regards to your parenting choices. Has anyone else had any clashes? Im 24 and i think my PILs look at me as a child as they just ignore my oppinions and laugh at me!

Watching with interest as I am in the exact same position, and of a similar age so feel the same!

MIL thinks I'm starving DS because he's not having any food (he is 4 months old today) and he's dehydrated because I haven't given any of the baby juice she has bought for him
But I have MIL issues

I'm 32 and oil will always think they know better than us, I've come up with a good line though. You did a smashing job with your son now it's my turn to work things out lol
Not used it yet so if you want to go first let me know how it goes

There are so many differences between the right things to do now and in their day. This does never excuse them laughing at you by the way, there are ways of doing things! But you could send some links/ get some leaflets to give to them? I gave my DM a leaflet from Scotland NHS on weaning, it's really simple and it really made her understand the current guidance.

However, she never ignored or laughed at me she was just cynical and questioning- this kind of behaviour needs you (and ideally DH!) to have a word...

Ah its frustrating because ive tried to nip it in the bud and be diplomatic, for example i wont be letting my newborn baby (will be literally 4 weeks old) stay with them for 4 days while i go down to a wedding, i will be taking him with me and i got told that i was wrapping them in cotton wool and dont be silly! Plus pils are smokers so i wont be leaving baby with them anyway and i just get laughed at! So disrespectful!

Ps my husband has had words with them and they just stay silent at his comments, but if its me they just speak down to me

Think it goes with the territory that mil are over bearing interfering & obsessive I know mine is. There's so many dos and donts now that were never even considered when our parents had us so I think that's why they feel the need to tell us what we're doing wrong, what dcs like/want etc. I'd take everything your mil and hv say with a pinch of salt, they'll be giving conflicting advice, and continue to do what you feel Is best for you and dc you're mum you know best. The things shock us that mil suggests they did with us as babies and we are all here alive and well living to tell the tale so it can't have been all bad. What I'm saying is she probably means well but just ignore her.

luckily today isn't a bad PIL day (mainly because I haven't seen the MIL and her horrific husband for at least 2wks now) and so I won't rant endlessly. it hasn't changed for me though..

there was the wedding (that we ended up eloping for to get away from her bitchy ways and ex crackhead of a husband).

then the pregnancy (she knew best, obviously). which vitamins i HAD to take (even though I don't like non prescribed drugs to the extreme i know), baby was breach and she wouldn't let me have the baby turned (luckily dd turned herself at 36wks!) and then the birth (I had preeclampsia so couldn't have a low dependency birth which meant i was milking it... still pushed her out pain relief free??)

and then breastfeeding (she emotionally abused me till I moved out of mine and DHs for 2 months to show him I meant business and she had to change- we don't live with her btw!!)

now I choose not to see her more than once a month, dd included. dd screams when she's near (no idea why-DH agrees so I am not imagining things!!). I tried to build a bridge and ask her to have dd for an afternoon a week as I have returned to work, but she didn't want to commit.

aaahhhh.. rant over!! do you have all this to come OP or are you already there????

I know that in my situation I am 50% of the problem TBH I let it happen, I allow my MIL to walk all over me and I am trying to stand up to her but it's just hard when you feel laughed at.

It's also hard when you get ignored example: DS is falling asleep in my arms, MIL walks in and says 'hand him over to grandma' I say 'not right now he's really tired' she then forces him out of my arms and rocks him, saying 'never too tired for Grandma cuddles' and 'grandma is more cuddly than mummy' he of course wakes up, then MIL leaves and I spend 2 hours trying to settle my poor overtired DS.
I should have been more forceful and demanded him back, but I just nodded and left the room to cry
I am going to try my hardest to be more assertive, is this something you could try OP?

Funnily enough I have this issue with my mum and her husband, my pil are really supportive, they were quite interested in how much it's all changed and are honestly amazing grandparents (especially considering my dd is from a previous relationship, she is never treat differently to her brother or her cousins) my mum however is constantly whinging on about 'but you lot are ok' 'just do a/b/c it's what I did' and my personal friggin favourite 'silly mummy... Here this is what grandma will do/give you' I'm just being more assertive in the hopes she changes her attitude

Ahh the whole talking down to you, like when you say no and she says "not to tired for grandmas cuddles" ...it feels like a power struggle, as though your the bad one for depriving poor grandma of a cuddle. Infuriates me, but its the way its said which makes it like an indirect comment....its like emotional blackmail!

Argh it's a generation thing I think. They take any deviance from what they did as a criticism of their parenting and get upset.
My mil didn't get the baby led weaning and used to feed dd mushed up stuff with a spoon when we left her despite us asking her not too, which really got my goat.
She also didn't like the Amber anklet (which I swear by for teething) as she thought it would hurt her.
My dad thought I was being over protective keeping dd in our room after 6 weeks as apparently that's when I went into my own room. He also didn't understand why I didn't just put dd (3 months at the time) on my knee in the car instead of faffing with car seat.
None of them really 'got' the extended rearward facing thing either.
On the whole though, they've been fairly supportive of our choices so I can't complain too much.

I had the same issue with my dog (i know lol and i really dont think im being too precious here), my dog has bad skin allergies and i was told by the vet to not feed him anything but a certain dog food for a month to see if it cleared up: i wemt to PILs house and told them to not give him any bits, to which they actually laughed and said dont be silly and fed him chocolate! Fucking chocolate! I pulled them up on it too, and it was like im the irrational one for following a trained vets advice

It's tough isn't it. I doubt it's to do with your age...I'm older and my MIL constantly tries to tell me things I should be doing with DS, like give him a soother (he spits them out) she suggested forcing it till he accepts it or I will end up carrying him everywhere as he won't settle himself.
She also asks everytime she sees us do we let him in our bed, as she thinks Co-sleeping is wrong and setting us up for bad habits. She also says breastfeeding is 'bullshit' and I should be glad,to have my body back after pregnancy, that I'd already done enough!!
It's hard to keep patient, as DH adores them (even though tbh they treat him pretty coldly sometimes) and can't admit to any faults. Though he knows what they say is not right. They are still his parents.

It's not a generational thing, it's not even a MiL thing.
It's a controlling, arrogant, bossy personality thing and covers all ages and both sexes.

YY to Renbrant - the person like this in my life is a friend my age with a slightly older child. She gives herself a boost by criticising me (illogically - too hippy or too trad depends on her mood!) or doom mongering.

Some people are like that and sadly just need to be ignored. Easier said than done!

Rembrandt I mean, sorry ....ugh auto correct has some weird words in it!

I feel your pain!
I have posted about my crazy MIL in the past because I was really worried about what she would be like when baby came. Baby has arrived and true to form MIL is being a pain. I am always wrong, of course, she always takes the piss out of me because I say things like "she was talking to me and telling me" because babies cant talk you know! She never comes to see the baby, even though we live next door because she only wnats the baby to go to her, she smokes like a chimney, its never going to happen. I should let the baby have formula so that she can take her for a day out, baby is 5 weeks old and is not leaving my side! Also my mum is a bitch because she comes round to help me twice a week and it means MIL isnt welcome, total load of crap! She makes an excellent victim and I'm always such a cow. I have told her I am not going to beg anyone to come and see my beautiful baby, she knows where we are, has a key to the house and is always welcome (despite her shitty attitude) if she doesnt then that is her problem. I hope others are having better luck dealing with their problem in laws, you all have my deepest sympathies. xxx

Rembrandt i think your right! And bambi that sounds pretty crap! Its like they to mask it as a favour ( oh youll want all the time away from baby once they are here, so you should leave them at ours over night atleast 1nce a week) when in reality i dont want to do that, its not safe due to heavy smoking etc....its just controlling behaviour : its obviously not a favour if i dont want it!!!

I find it hard as I don't understand the dynamics of their family in the way I understand the dynamics between and my own parents. Generally my mum is great anyway, and will always check with me before eg spooning new food into DS; she is also interested in how advice has changed (she and my dad have been really interested since we started using washable nappies, for instance, and doing blw). Crucially, she also trusts me to do a good job, I think. And if she disagrees she can happily hold her tongue, or will gently point the thing out to me. If she does something I don't agree with, I know how to talk to her about it in a way that isn't offensive and which helps her see my point of view.

MIL on the other hand, I find difficult. Partly it's her personality, as she's much more controlling than DM. But partly it's also because I don't know how to point things out to her in a way that doesn't give offence; she's probably the same with me. When she was randomly feeding my 4 month old chocolate buttons, for instance, I didn't know what to say - I asked her not to, and she ignored me. DH was useless as he has never been allowed to stand up to her.

I think it takes time, mutual respect, and adult behaviour on both sides. You've had over 20 years to get to know your own parents, and only a few to get to know your in-laws - time will help to some extent!

I don't think it's necessarily a generational thing or an in law thing either. My MIL is 62 and wouldn't dream of telling me what to do with my daughter or laughing at me. She might secretly think she knows best but she wouldn't say so! She is willing to accept that advice has changed since she brought her children up.
Your partner needs to step up and tell her to back off IMO.

People are people. Some are great and some are shite.

My MIL is lovely. Really helpful and respectful and whilst a lot of the advice has changed since she had her children she's never scoffed at anything different to what she did. SHe's offered me.advice when im struggling with things but its obvious that she's doing it because she is trying to help me find a solution And has never pushed the issue if i have said i dont Like something.

My mother on the other hand is a nightmare who never Misses a chance totell me Im a bad parent. The latest one was to tell me that my DD is going to choak to death because i fed her slightly lumpy food at 7 months. O.0

Mine has backed off since DS was a baby, he's now 2 and a half. It's a controlling personality thing and I agree with the poster who said they take it as criticism of 'their way' if you choose a different path.

There's still the odd annoyance: MIL says 'you're being a silly boy' and 'it's pronounced phone' (I'm a teacher and see this as poor/negative behaviour management and overbearing) but she's free to damage their relationship the way she sees fit! :)

My PILs lived quite some distance away and when we did see them voiced neither puzzlement nor disapproval so I dodged a bullet there. They were older than my parents and had long since experienced the novelty of grandchildren. They were too polite to infer we were novices but the flip side of that was they weren't ever what you'd call "hands on".

My parents were more relaxed with infants and I loved seeing them dote on our DCs from day one. They mostly kept quiet but occasionally did let slip a comment or look. I tried to think it was only because they were experienced.

I know for example DM privately thought we explained things rather earnestly to DC1 when a simple, "Stop that now" and "Because we say so" would be quicker. And DF was probably in stitches at us being over careful about hygiene. And both thought we were mad not to give a naughty toddler a little smack. But that's just generations doing things differently.

I am certain we all have moments when it's too tempting to pass comment and itch to get stuck in.

bucketfullofdinosaurs i cant believe she ignored you about the chocolate buttons! That would have really annoyed me! Did she just carry on? And interesting point about not knowing how to say things without offence - i think this is maybe how i find it hard to voice my oppinion as il say niceley that me and DH will decide together the best way etc and she doesnt get it, so i feel like my only option is to say bluntly 'dont do that' which could cause offence

Yes, she just carried on! She's also been known to wait till I'm out of the room and then start giving him biscuits (at 6 months). DH is horrified at the thought of saying anything, so I have to deal with it myself!