Problems with 3 year old

[mermaid101]

I have a dd who is 3.5. She has alway been quite shy and reserved child. She seems to struggle with serparation and , despite lots of input from the staff at nursery, cries when we leave her. She is the same when we leave her with family(mostly).

My DH and I also feel that she is becoming more "tantrum-y" and a bit badly behaved. She can seem to find it difficult to get along with other children. She often refuses to share her toys and can be quite "nasty" to her friends. (Telling tales, shouting at them etc). We are not sure how much of this is her age and normal, or if it is a bit of a problem.

It seems to me, that other children of her age are happier to play together and are a bit more easy going with each other.

We think might have been a bit too lenient with her. We feel she watches too much tv and we probably give her too many sweets/treats/chocolate. ( she gets some every day, often more than once).

We don't really have any clear discipline/ sanction strategy and think we probably need to implement one.

It is difficult to get her out the house in the morning as she wants to wear particular clothes (which are in the wash) and tantrums if she can't. It's very stressful. She also doesn't seem to want to do anything or go anywhere; saying she just wants to stay in the house with us. When she gets to places ( the park/swimming/a friends house...) she is usually fine.

I'm torn between thinking she is insecure and lacking in confidence, or becoming a bit spoiled.

Has anyone any advice or shared experience. I just want her to be happy and confident, but she seems neither just now. What can we do? If anything?

Going to nursery will be a good thing - she will have to learn to interact nicely with other children there. Have you asked them what discipline techniques they use? It might be easiest to echo those at home.

I've a little boy who turns 3 in a couple of weeks. We used the 123 Magic book (I highly recommend, it took no time at all to read) and also use the time out step (also sometimes called the naughty step, but not in my house). He very very very rarely sits on the step now. I count to three and by the time I get to 2 he complies.

I find he shares toys absolutely fine if they are not his - so if we are at a toddler group or if he's at nursery - but he struggles to do it with his own toys. We've got round this by saying he can pick one toy that he doesn't have to share but that he must share the others and he seems happy with that.

He watches far more TV than he should I think, but we do try to mix up his activities and find if he gets a run outside every day, even if it's just in the garden, he is a much nicer child!

Thanks goo.

I have tried the keeping certain/ chosen toys away to avoid conflict, but it just seems its anything really.

I'm becoming less inclined to socialise with other children because I'm worried the other children/parents will start to avoid us.

She said today that she just wants to stay in the house today. I worry that this is a sign of insecurity/lack of confidence and she only really feels safe and comfortable in a really small comfort zone.

I was hoping it was a bit of a phase, but it seems to have been going on for quite a while now.

It seems to me that you need to have clear boundaries and consistent discipline. Children feel more secure and therefore more confident in a predictable environment.
A 3 year old will have tantrums of course. When mine does, I put him in his room and he can come out an apologise when he is ready.
Personally, I think your daughter is over indulged (from what you posted).

I want to add that yes, tantrums are very stressful and we all want avoid them but, ultimately you are the parent, you decide what will be worn today. If your daughter always has her way, she will struggle interacting with others.

mermaid I think you already know where the problem lies - you've already identified yourself that you have no clear discipline strategy. Are you reluctant to try one because you can't bear the tantrums it might cause? I completely get that, but it will be short term pain for long term gain. Perhaps it's worth picking a strategy and sticking with it for a week or so to see how it goes?

I have a friend whose little boy is the same age as mine. She avoids taking him to things because he's a hitter/biter and she gets embarrassed, but it's only by socialising him more and being disciplined with him that she's ever going to get him to stop. Deep down she knows this.

I agree with you dial. I think she has become spoiled and indulged. My DH and I had always hoped to avoid this, but I think we have sort of "sleepwalked" into this situation. We have a 9 month old baby and I think we let a lot of stuff go just for a slightly easier life.

The question is, how do we "recover" this situation? My only experience is from watching Supernanny, when she sat the family down, said there were new rules and then implemented them.

My DH was much firmer with dd when he got her ready today, which worked after a minor tantrum, but I felt it might have been a bit unfair/ confusing for her. Do you think she's old enough to "get" thr idea of a new regime?

I think it's never too late to adjust the situation. You need to have a sit down with your DH and ensure you are on the same page.
Your DD will not be happy about a change and she will resist most probably; so you might have a few more tantrums to begin with. But if you stick to the plan, are firm and consistent together with your husband, she will adapt and I am sure that ultimately her behaviour will improve.

Firstly, for you. I have a 3.5yo DS and a 10mo DD so I'm in a similar position, kid-wise.

Every child is different and you shouldn't feel there is one mould your DD should fit or one path to follow to get her to where you feel she should be. That said, of course you do need to guide your child, and she'd be happier if she could play with her peers without too many tears/arguments.

I would really advocate getting out every day – and not allowing your DD to dictate that you have to stay in. I don't drive and I manage to do it, it doesn't have to be a mammoth trip – just to the park/toddler group/shop if necessary – but GO.

That said, I've found that giving DS small choices to make gets rid of a lot of the pushing-back behaviour (arguing/refusing to do things because I've told him he has to do them), so choosing what we're going to make for dinner before we write the shopping list and go to the shop, for example. We also do a shopping list with drawings of what we're buying, so he can be properly involved when we get to the shop. And when he chucks a strop, as he did this morning because he didn't want to put on his shoes to go to the CM, I give him a choice too – but one he doesn't want. So today, I said he could go to the CM with shoes on or barefoot. But he was going either way!

When he has a full-on meltdown, I tell him that I'm going to let him get on with it, ignore him for a while and then ask him if he's better after a few minutes. Once he's calmer, I get down to his level and tell him why his behaviour made me sad. We used to use the naughty step (and this could work for you), but for DS it just didn't do the trick. He began to think that the apology fixed everything and he would just repeat the bad behaviour, because he knew he'd just get hugs and kisses afterwards.

Hope this helps you a bit... DS's behaviour sends me round the bend at some point almost every day, especially at the moment…

I think she has become spoiled and indulged.

By this, do you mean that she gets a lot of nice things or that she succeeds in using bad behaviour to get what she wants?

Some children, particularly shy, reserved children, do find it hard to be around their peers, feel safer at home, struggle with the sensory side of wearing clothes and get overwhelmed quite easily, resulting in meltdowns. It sounds like your DD may be one of these children. If she is, forcing her to bend more to your will, spend more time with her peers, go out of the house more, could make things a whole lot more difficult for her and you.

Lots of people with children like this, recommend The Highly Sensitive Child.

I have two DDs with AS. Their difficulties are like the highly sensitive children described in the book but to greater extremes and we find that we need to strike a balance between letting them dictate how we live and allowing them to withdraw from some things that they really cannot cope with. If we try to force them to do everything, we just end up having to manage meltdowns and everybody is miserable.

Sanctions aren't the best way to manage behaviour at the best of times. Praise for what you would like to see works best for children this age. Natural consequences are good too but only when they are managed sensitively and if you are acknowledging the reasons behind the behaviour too.

I firmly believe in clear consistent boundaries and it is obvious to me that they help children to feel secure but, at the same time, I choose carefully when it is right to say no or insist that children do something precisely because I will always carry it through.

Pick your battles, be consistent but also be sensitive to your child's needs and make sure you don't force her into situations she will find stressful then punish her for not coping.

Agree with gold mantra.
Much of what you're describing seems like fairly typical behaviour for that age. By sanctioning everything you would be taking away choices and her creativity tbh.

My dd is 2.5 and she sometimes will have the tantrum over clothes. I pick 2 appropriate outfits for that day and then let her choose between the two. That way she's not calling all the shots but she has a choice.

She also doesn't like transitions so leaving the house can be a battle, then leaving wherever we're going to come home can be difficult again. Again, it seems fairly typical of that age.

She reacts best to calm voices, explaining why I need her to do something, and then giving her to the count of 5 to do as I'm asking. Then there's a sanction of going to her room if she still won't do it.

I don't think she's 'overindulged'. I think maybe now she's older you might just need to change tactics now if what you previously did isn't working.
My dd probably does watch too much TV but I have an 8 week old so not beating myself up over that too much tbh. We go out almost every day so she has opportunities to do lots of things.
I don't think tantrums are them necessarily being 'bad'. It's just a way of expressing themselves when emotions overwhelm them. My dd doesn't often tantrum. When she does I either give her space to calm down or give her a cuddle if she's upset. Often the tantrum is due to her not understanding why she can't have something or do something so I don't think it's fair to punish her for that.