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Original poster

Birthday party - no presents please?

30 replies

Somethingwitty2015 · 06/04/2015 22:40

We are having a 2nd birthday party for DS in a couple of months - about 8-10 children are coming.. Our house is already full to the brim of toddler stuff and I know that the GPs will spoil him rotten and buy him everything on the smallish list we have come up with of things he actually needs (art stuff, clothes etc - things we'd be buying anyway over the next few months) plus a load of other tat as well. So I'd much rather that kiddies just came and had fun - DS can do the present opening bit separately with family.

i assume that guests will think they should bring something, and ime sometimes people ignore the "we ask for your presence not presents" thing. What's a polite way of saying "no presents please, and I'm not just being polite here I really don't want you to bring anything"? Yes I know I could donate or regift unwanted gifts but that somehow seems unfair to the person who has gone out and spent time and money on DS. The guests are mainly new-ish "mummy friends" so while I like them we're not quite at the stage where I could just say "I do not want more stuff, however tasteful/fun/educational it is, in my house".

We only did family parties last year so I am new to this. Would you be relieved or offended if told not to bring anything?

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sumoweeble · 06/04/2015 22:53

I have (mild) sympathy on the feeling you're drowning under a sea of plastic tat thing but basically... don't do this! People will think you're a weird meanie (I know you're not but that's what they will think) and they will bring presents anyway.

TobyLerone · 06/04/2015 22:56

It's fine to ask people not to bring presents! The issue may be wording your request so that people don't think you mean you want cash instead.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 06/04/2015 23:00

I always prefer to be told! Just put on the invitations that he is looking forward to the party with his friends and no presents are necessary

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sumoweeble · 06/04/2015 23:08

It's really not fine unless you are ok with people thinking you are very uptight. Good on you if you are ok with that- we all should care less about what people we don't know very well think, imo. However, if you do care what the new mummy friends think, imo it's a seriously risky request.

SolasEile · 06/04/2015 23:18

I put 'no gifts necessary' on DS's invitations when he was turning 2 because he was so young and it was just a small party of his play date friends. People bought gifts anyway though...so no advice here!

I wouldn't worry about it. Most of the presents we got were pretty small like jigsaws and colouring books or blocks so we made use of them.

Akire · 06/04/2015 23:22

I think it's very refreshing to be told we don't want any presents as he has a room full already! It's not weird is it? Surely it's one less pressure off your new friends to have to sort. it's not like you are saying we don't belive in presents which could get people thinking you don't give any either.

I would say due to DS being so young and already having more toys than he knows what to do with please don't buyany gifts. That way your not excluding further gifts when he's older and going to notice.

unlucky83 · 06/04/2015 23:26

Got flamed for this a while ago ...I don't think you can win!
DD1 had her first big party at 3 - almost 30 children and the present thing hadn't entered my head...it was overwhelming.
So for both DDs for big whole class parties (20+ children) it was no presents - when they were older they had a choice between big parties and no presents and smaller parties and presents. (unless they had a shared party - then they got presents cos not fair on the other child)
You could ask for contributions towards a big present - but (as the Mylene Class thing showed) that can go down badly.
Last time I put
'No presents please – there will be a charity collection tin - you are very welcome to donate if you wish but you do not have to'
The charity thing is just so that if people feel they want to contribute something they can...(like taking a bottle of wine to a dinner party kind of thing)...
DD's choose the charity - they choose the area and I give them a choice of local ones.
One year DD2 had a brief stay (few hours) in the children's ward at the local hospital. So she had a collection for there - they wanted baby toys and craft stuff (rather than cash which is hard for them to access apparently) so she had great fun choosing things and taking them in. Also got to visit the local wildlife rescue centre etc. They don't feel hard done by.
For DD1 (didn't know the parents as well) was a bit awkward - one parent did comment about it was a good idea to get help to pay for the party .
For DD2 - the parents know me better - so not as awkward. And other parents have 'copied' and also done a charity collection...
Now older - smaller parties - they have presents - but you have my complete sympathy...

Springtimemama · 06/04/2015 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBojingles · 06/04/2015 23:45

I had an invite that said this recently and thought it was a great idea... So there you go!

aFirmGrip · 06/04/2015 23:48

Crass. Don't do it. It's not for you to tell people they can't buy you child a gift. It makes you look like you've given a little too much thought to it all.

Just receive graciously then donate. Take all the gifts to a children's home, refuge, hospital or SureStart.

Flywheel · 07/04/2015 00:04

I really think most parents could do without the mounds of tat which turn up at birthday parties. I don't think many kids these days need more crap. I think it's fine to make a simple request for no presents, but don't push the point and receive gratefully whatever presents you do get. Some of it he will like and get use of - regift or charity shop the rest as you've already suggested. Don't feel guilty, really it's what most people do.

purpleme12 · 07/04/2015 01:20

I think it's really nice to say this. When you don't have any money it's pressure to find a present

TobyLerone · 07/04/2015 08:24

God, people are weird.

If the OP had started a thread saying she'd received loads of plastic tat and she didn't want it, she'd be overrun with people saying she should have said so in the first place and that people can't afford to buy presents just to have them donated by the ungrateful OP.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 07/04/2015 08:50

I did exactly this at my son's 2nd birthday party - wrote no presents pls on the invites (same reasons as op). It was a disaster.
Grandparents still brought presents, as did some guests who had forgotten. This embarrassed other parents who hadn't brought presents.

I'd hoped it would be a helpful idea, saving everyone money and saving me some mess but I'd NEVER do it again

unlucky83 · 07/04/2015 08:59

someday I'm assuming you did the present opening in front of everyone...at big group parties thankfully that doesn't really happen. And I would be careful opening presents in front of everyone anyway - in case your DC loved one and rejected another, got duplicates etc...
It is a minefield.
I thought about the give the excess presents to a charity shop etc.
I think that has it's own problems ...
Even unused the charity shop is never going to get as much for the present as the parent spent ....so a waste of their money - and even less if you let your DC play with it/open it first and so it is 'used'.
If your DC (older than 2!) remembers one and asks for it and you have taken it away ....
And also the why have you chosen that present to 'get rid of' and maybe not another....could make a parent feel insulted. Especially if your DC's have a visiting friend who gave them something and they realise they no longer have it...
(I know parents who recycle unused presents - give them to someone else as a present...feel slightly uncomfortable with this but I guess fine as long as you remember where they come from!)

And the pressure to buy presents - one of my DCs has a few friends with similar birthdays - one year it was 7 in 5 weeks. At £5-£10 a present that's an extra £35 -£70 to find which some people would find tough.
If you can't afford it what do you do? Make excuses for your DC not to go? (When the invitee wants them and they want to go). And you don't get a choice whether to be invited to something or not.

Personally I rarely enjoy shopping for these kinds of presents - unless we have a good idea what the DC really wants/likes - finding 'something' - just 'anything' in the right price bracket that they would really like ...personally I would love more invitees to say no presents please!

Imeg · 07/04/2015 09:09

I would be relieved to see this on an invitation but my husband wouldn't let me do it myself I don't think, and I agree the wording would need to be carefully thought out not to sound ungrateful or asking for something else instead. Surely anyone with a small child themselves would understand the excess clutter problem? And people often do it for weddings so why not children's parties?
You can't expect grandparents or other close relatives not to buy a present though but they can be opened before/afterwards so as not to embarrass anyone.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/04/2015 09:15

I wish there was a way to do this without paranoid people assuming your some mean bitch. like it's their right to disregard what you want be case it's the "done thing"

I totally totally understand. and see its just wanting your ds to not be overwhelmed and because no one needs 26 packets of crayons.

let's face it at two it's pointless they just break and ruin things.

I think people over think it and like to turn people into villains they aren't.

Original poster

Somethingwitty2015 · 07/04/2015 10:09

Thanks for all the advice. Opinions are mixed so this is obviously a minefield! I think I'll put "no presents necessary" and then when I give the invites say something like "we're still working through the xmas presents so please don't feel the need to bring anything other than yourselves". If anyone does bring gifts I will of course graciously accept and not open at the party to avoid making it awkward for reasons pp said. Among my NCT group, we did 1st birthday presents but only cards for xmas, so hopefully that has set a trend for future events - 8 x present all in the same month does add up.

I will try to be equally thoughtful with party bags and keep it to small disposable items like bubbles to avoid guests being lumbered with tat themselves!

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 07/04/2015 10:29

Good for you, OP.

FWIW, it wouldn't cross my mind to think you were uptight or weird. I think that says more about the sort of people who would than it does about me.

OnlyLovers · 07/04/2015 10:32

I'd say 'No presents please' on the invite.

I agree with Toby that anyone taking from that that you were 'uptight or weird' or 'crass' is the one with the problem, not you.

sumoweeble · 07/04/2015 11:12

Good luck and well done for having the courage of your convictions. Let us know how many people abide by the injunction!

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/04/2015 11:24

Anyone else thinking that those disagree g are those super organised MNetters who bulk buy books and crayons in the sales to give out at parties.so basically it's ok to clutter your home with unwanted gifts cos they don't want it anymore either

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 07/04/2015 17:26

Unlucky - no we didn't open presents during the party. Parents who hasn't brought presents, saw those who had arriving with their gifts. Very awkward!

Springtimemama · 07/04/2015 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unlucky83 · 07/04/2015 18:02

Well -if it is a no gift party and people turn up with gifts they are the ones who should be embarrassed...not the 'no gift' people who have followed the hosts request...

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