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I made my daughter cry.

16 replies

Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 10:50

Two months ago I lived with my ex. We had a house with a drive. Now I live in a third floor flat and the car park is a little distance from the door. I've been wound up all morning anyway because my 3 year old daughter keeps shouting 'mummy! elephant!' 'mummy! monkey!' 'mummy! mummy!' and I have to keep answering 'yes beautiful?' 'yes darling?' 'yes?' 'yes?'

I drove her to the shops as they are shut for two days after today. My shopping came to three bags plus a 6 pack of 2 litre bottles, and I also had my daughter's change back with me. I couldn't risk her walking up the stairs while I didn't have a hand free to help if she fell, so I left her in her car seat while I took the shopping up first.

It's a bit of a trek when you're laden with shopping and I was puffing and panting somewhat when I came back down. I still had to carry her change bag and one more nearly empty but large bag.

My daughter always chooses these moments to be difficult. She refused to walk because she didn't want to go in the flat. She lay down. Then she sat up crying and begging to be carried. She's not light, and it's bloody awkward and hurts my back to carry her up three floors when she keeps leaning back and she howled the entire way...

I started muttering about how she's perfectly able to walk and she just wants to be a pain in the butt, how she's too old for this kind of behaviour and why does it always happen when I'm full of other bits to carry... then I jabbered on about why daddy gets to keep the lovely house and driveway where she can just be popped inside before bringing the shopping in or vice versa and then I culminated with a rather loud 'all this is your father's fault! If it wasn't for him you wouldn't have such a shit time with me!'

What came over me? I'm full of remorse. My daughter doesn't deserve my crap nor to have her father bad mouthed. I'm full of hate... not for her at all, I love her like mad and she's the reason I'm still around... but I hate everything else. I hate flats, I hate carrying things, I hate my ex, I hate his family, I hate shopping, I hate this country... I've never had time or energy for hate before - really! - just 'dislike' but I feel so angry and self pitiful all the time...

Sorry this was a rant really

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BinarySolo · 04/04/2015 10:58

Don't beat yourself up. Toddlers are very testing and she was playing you up. Probably not your finest moment but you're only human.

Does sound like you've come out worse in the split so I can understand you feeling resentful. Is there anyway you could afford to move? If only to a ground floor flat?

Pancakeflipper · 04/04/2015 11:01

Ok you didn't behave like perfect parent. But you've got hell of a lot to deal with at the moment.

You've dissected your speech. Try to do that really hard thing of not doing it again or let it be a habit.
And I bet you've made your daughter laugh and feel loved more than you have made her cry or feel scared. BIG long hug and tell her you know it's hard. Get the chores out of the way and have some fun together.

If it's honestly a one off don't add this to your list of issues. You've noted it's crap, draw a line and move on.

Your life won't be like this forever, it will get better.

If you find the negativity taking over then perhaps have a word with a Dr? Have you a friend to offload to?

FernGullysWoollyPully · 04/04/2015 11:02

Don't feel bad. It sounds like you've had a tough time of it and you wouldn't be human if things didn't get to you every now and then Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 12:31

Hi guys thanks for your responses. Unfortunately, I'm in social housing so I don't have the freedom of choice. I was lucky to get this flat because it has two bedrooms. I was told a single parent of one child usually only gets a single bedroom flat and the parent has to decide who sleeps in the living room. I got this because there weren't any single bed places available.

Just this morning we had a tickle/cuddle fest but the bad vibes started over her ignoring breakfast and lunch because she wanted to eat crap like crisps and biscuits. I stupidly had forgotten to hide them so it was too late - she knew they were there.

I've never truly known what's best in this situation... whether to make her cry and have a tantrum and go without food (I do leave the breakfast/dinner around and heat it up if it's meant to be warm but she ignores it) or to give her something that meets halfway, like bread and jam... anyway that's a different topic.

Getting her dressed for the shops is nearly as traumatic, no matter how much of a game I try to make it she will crawl under the dining table or coffee table and refuse to come out, so I have to get her and slide her across the floor. I never do jerky movements, I've seen other parents do it and I feel awful for the kid, but still she flops in my arms sobbing when I'm putting her shoes, coat and hat on, and tucking her vest in her trousers. It all saps me slowly and it was so much easier when there were two of us dealing with it.

I'm already on anti depressants, and have been long before my daughter was conceived. They work well for me, I think, but I must admit around the time of my break up when things were really bad I felt that everybody would be so much better off without me.

My determination to see my daughter grow up and become a woman stops me doing anything stupid, but I still have my moments.

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mommabear12 · 04/04/2015 20:57

Ok don't be too hard on yourself - it sounds like you've been through a traumatic time and you're only human - if you're feeling fragile, it won't take much to make you crack. Sounds like you could do with a bit of counselling to help you come to terms with what you've lost and the anger you feel about it. This way you will be less inclined to blurt it out to your daughter when she winds you up.

Your daughter sounds exactly like my three year old daughter. They test you constantly because they want to be in control. You have to show that you're the one in control and do what you have to do - threaten to remove a toy or privelege if she doesn't do as she's told or she goes to her room and stick to the threat. Once she knows you mean business then she will take your threats seriously and respond to them. I have had to be very strict about the food thing - DD knows that if she doesn't eat her meals then she gets nothing else. It was a hard slog and there were many tantrums but there's no quick way to get there, you have to stick to your guns several times over. It's not easy and it's harder on your own but you can do it.

We also found smiley face reward charts helped with Dd and she got a magazine if she got ten smileys for good behaviour eg went from the car to the house without moaning, sat at the table and ate her dinner etc etc. We also found that if we gave her control over other parts of her life it made her stop trying to fight for control so much. We let her start trying to dress herself, choose clothes, help with shopping etc etc. She seemed to thrive on having a bit of independence.

Honestly the issues you face with your daughter are issues we all face with three year olds - there's nothing wrong with your parenting. I'm much more concerned about your welfare and feelings of depression and I would urge you to seek some professional support.

I hope in time this new chapter of your life will start to look a lot less terrifying than it does now and I'm sure that you will be a wonderful example to your daughter of how to cope on your own. Don't beat yourself up over this incident - see it as a wake up call that you need some tlc and to learn to value yourself again xx

slightlyinsane · 06/04/2015 09:53

As others have said your only human and containing emotions sometimes is really difficult. Just remember you've BOTH been through a life changing situation and from what you've written does sound like normal toddler behaviour but remember she maybe struggling to adjust to the changes as much as you are and that's completely normal too. Pick your battles and let some of the smaller things go for the time being, you have plenty of time to come back to those. Making your child cry is fine (in the right situations) saying no to an inappropriate or dangerous thing can often result in tears it's just part of developing, when they're older it turns into a debate because they've learnt to say it instead of cry it, which is just as dam frustrating.
Go easy on yourself do something fun and remember your lives have just changed you both need time to deal with it xx

TiedUpWithString · 07/04/2015 11:53

How horrid for you OP/ Have you got a chance to see your GP to have your dose addressed? Perhaps you need some help to get you over this hump.

When DD was 3 and behaving in exactly the same way I used to do stuff like try to put her clothes (that she was refusing to wear) on me and other silly stuff like that. It generally worked.

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 12:01

It's okay if they cry sometimes. I don't think that your aim should be to make them cry, but don't try to avoid it so much that you end up bending over backwards. They need to understand that they are not the centre of the world all the time, and yes it is hard for them, but it's okay as well :)

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 12:03

Have you seen the Confident Parenting course here? It's free and you do it online. I've not done it myself so haven't seen if it's any good but it sounds useful. www.onespace.org.uk/learning

Boomerwang · 09/04/2015 14:24

Hmm I'll check out that link. Thanks for the responses everyone :) When I think back to my own mother bringing me up, she was always very stressed and angry and snappy with me, and I think I was the same back at her. I don't want that kind of relationship with my daughter. It's been better since that day, and getting dressed has turned into a game which I start earlier rather than trying to get it done quickly just before we need to go out.

I've been in Sweden for three years and not a single doctor has ever asked me about my anti depressants. I thought you were supposed to be monitored and have a review now and then but apparently not. I'm afraid to come off them as the reason I went on them was to stop feeling suicidal. My life isn't much better than it was back then, although I suppose there's rarely a good time to try quitting.

Bertie, she IS the centre of my world, all the time :/ Do you think I made her this way? I applaud everything she says/does. I focus on her when she's demanding my attention, even if it means breaking off in a conversation with another adult. I'm constantly stroking her and kissing her and banging on about how proud I am of her.

Am I turning her into a diva?

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Boomerwang · 09/04/2015 14:25

I can't get that link to work.

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BertieBotts · 09/04/2015 15:18

That's odd. It doesn't work for me either now. Try deleting the "learning" part of the link and just click on the learning section.

Of course she is important to you, and that's great. But making everything revolve around her isn't good for her long term mental health. When she becomes an adult, she'll need to learn to negotiate and compromise with others. Not feel less than others (as you perhaps do?) but not feel superior to others, either. Just equal. We don't magically learn these things in adulthood, it has to be an ongoing learning process - three is a great time to start learning.

Short term, children who are in control of the family feel very frightened. They begin to display extreme behaviour because they don't actually know how to cope with having so much power and no boundaries. It is your job as the parent to put those boundaries in place, yes, even if it upsets them sometimes. That's okay because you're right there to help them deal with those feelings. You can help them deal with their feelings while still keeping the message and the boundary strong. This actually helps them to learn how to deal with negative emotions too, which is a really important life skill.

Long term, if she goes out into the world believing that she is special and superior to others, she is going to get a big shock when she isn't treated that way any more. Yes she will always be more special to you than to other people - and so she should be. But it doesn't do any favours to keep her at the centre of your world, because nobody else will treat her that way, and she won't get very far by behaving like a diva in adult life. Worst case scenario, she could even develop narcissistic tendencies and go on to abuse people.

There is a pretty big shift at about two or three. During the baby years, all of their needs are wants and all of their wants are needs, and it's okay to treat them as such. In fact doing so has probably led to the wonderfully close relationship you have now, so it's a good thing. It's just that this dynamic now has to change as she is getting older. It's a good time to introduce the idea that there is give and take in life, and sometimes, she must wait for or give to you, rather than always getting her every whim met immediately. That's a hard transition for her (which is why people talk about the "terrible twos" and the challenges of the toddler period) but it sounds like it will also be a hard transition for you - perhaps, even harder.

I've got some links for you as I think of them but keep talking, too. And maybe see if you can find any parenting classes local to you if you speak the language. Even if you don't agree fully with what the teacher is saying, it's really useful to gain knowledge and support from others.

This is a really long thread, and some of it is hard reading/critical but you might want to have a read - from someone a few years down the line of this approach:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2321246-My-5y-old-DS-bullies-me

Two books I really like are "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." and "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" (the latter has a "profile" of a parent who can never bear to upset their child which you might relate to).

What's wrong with permissive parenting?

Does Peaceful Parenting mean kids do whatever they want?

Increase trust with your child (Pay special attention to the part about boundaries)

What happens when kids rule the roost?

Hope some of those are helpful, anyway.

Boomerwang · 10/04/2015 18:10

Oh gosh thank you for those links, that makes for some good reading. I'll be plouding through them!

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Boomerwang · 10/04/2015 18:10

plouding? Yes that one...

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BertieBotts · 10/04/2015 18:22

No worries. Good luck! It's exactly the right time to be making changes IMO :)

Boomerwang · 12/04/2015 09:40

I've had a look through some of those links, particularly the thread. I've realised that I'm one of those 'permissive' parents to an extent. For instance, I know that I shouldn't let my daughter get a second bowl of crisps but I know that she'll have a tantrum if I don't let her have them. I'd rather avoid that, so I just let her have them. Then later on, she won't eat her tea and then I'll worry that she's not eaten properly so I offer alternatives which she prefers, such as a sandwich. She eats half of it and then demands more crisps or a biscuit. That's the point at which I say no, that's when the tantrum starts. So basically, I've led her to this tantrum by not setting the limits earlier and in the meantime she's had crap food and a plate of cooked dinner has gone in the bin.

Eye opening... I need to think some more.

Thank you again!

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