How do you manage your anxiety.

[Penguin13]

Hi. I have a beautiful 16 week old DD and she is my first baby. I know all first time parents have doubts and fears about parenting to some degree but lately I feel constantly anxious and guilty that I'm a terrible mum. I've never been a very confident person and am constantly second-guessing myself. I would try to trust my instincts but I don't seem to have any. Google is my worst enemy. I am a big reader and have tried to arm myself with information but there is so much out there I feel like I am drowning. It can't all be true as some of it is directly opposite advice.

My anxiety mainly centres around sleeping/naps at the moment - DD has rarely napped for longer than 30 mins since birth despite trying everything I have read (apparently she missed the memo about all newborns being sleepy). Her night sleep has gone to pot as well. I constantly question all aspects of my parenting though and compare myself to everyone else who seems to cope so much better than me.

I know rationally that even though I am not a natural parent I love my DD, spend time with her and try to do my best for her but I feel so inadequate.

I guess what I am hoping for is some tips on how to manage my anxiety, especially if you have been through something similar.

Anxiety seems to come with labour I think! My super confident, organised DD has a similar anxiety about being a bad mum as you have.

Do you have friends with young children who you can talk to? My DD has found her phone is her life line as she has a network of friends who had children in the last few years and if she gets very anxious there is usually one of them she can talk to.

Can you get out to baby feeding groups, mother and toddler groups, even the baby clinics - anywhere you can meet other mums with little ones.
The worst thing you can do with anxiety is bottle it up - do you have your Mum or a sister you can talk to?
Good luck, keep posting on here as there will be more ideas and suggestions along soon.
And trust your instincts - your baby, you do (within reason!) what you think!

penguin. first of all you are doing a good job. I could have written this post 6 months ago. I had serious anxiety problems early on, mainly associated with my inability to get my Ds to sleep for any length of time. he is nearly 10 months now and sleeps like a dream. a switch seemed to go off at about 7 months.

On the anxiety front, I think a lot of it stems from your own sleep deprivation. can anyone give you a break so you can get a few hours kip without having to worry about your Lo?

I am a first time mum at 35 and found the adjustment from being in control of my life to really not being in control of anything really difficult. You need to give yourself a break and remember that (apart from food) what your baby really needs is love, which you are giving in spades. each time you panic just think of that, kiss the baby and smile. it helped me to remain calm.

Sleep seems to be the big "scare trend" with babies at the moment. It's a big industry. .. how much babies "should" sleep. Trying to sell stuff usually - even website hits make them money.
The truth is (says my GP and hv) although tiring, if the baby is happy and well looking they're not over tired and will be ok.

I know ... I've got a touch of PNA and know exactly what you're describing.

My obsession is digestive health. My dd doesn't even posset ffs ... so guess what I'm always googling?!? Yuk! Doesn't help that blogs mean inexpert writers post things like a perfectly normal bf nappy with things like "CMPI diahorrea" as the caption. Terrifying at the time - called the mw who showed me my dd's poo was normal.

What I found helpful:

1. No Google. NHS choices, Mumsnet, Infant Sleep Information Service and BRITISH babycentre websites ONLY for medical advice.
2. I'm often on mn but remember forums are no place to get diagnosis. 3. Yoga and/or hypnotherapy CDS or Spotify. I listen on headphones as baby sleeps. My yoga is mum and baby class.

Also don't be frightened to approach your GP. PNA is very common, they may well be able to provide extra hv visits or a support group ... its not a case of piling on meds or anything at this level.

...also forums are full of "perfect mums" who make sweeping statements (eg. going back to work is evil, formula is poison etc) which you'd never listen to in real life. Behind a screen they can come across as an expert.
They're not. They're probably anxious about something else in their lives or parenting but in denial and adopt this "my way or the high way" attitude online.

In reality there are thousands of good ways to parent. its not always instincts. The key things are feed them, keep them warm, clean and show affection.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses and suggestions. Love the suggestion to remember what babies need is love. Can't stop kissing DD anyway cause she is so cute --when she isn't waking for the billionth time that night

Squizita there is definitely no one around here who has started cutting out dairy just this week 'just in case' their perfectly healthy albeit very windy DD has cmpi.

I have found it helpful to be part of a mums' group with people who are much more up for a laugh than for trying to be perfect mums. It's in our church, but most of the mums aren't church-goers - we meet every couple of weeks and it's OK to swear, laugh at your mistakes, announce that your like to lob the baby out the window etc. It's definitely not 'nicey nicey'. I find it really helpful, as there's so much out there about doing everything right, and realistically that's (a) impossible and (b) no fun at all.

I also restrict medical searching to the NHS website and Baby centre (uk). Take out frustrations at Mumsnet, and count it a success if you remember to put pants on every time you go out.

Don't go dairy-free the week before Easter. That way lies madness. Consider the possibility that maybe the cue for baby wind is lots of chocolate - maybe just no one has ever had quite enough in one sitting.

That last paragraph is very bad advice by the way. That's why you stick with the NHS site.

You're doing brilliantly!

Penguin I'm weaning a baby with a cold/teething. EVERY poo is green and loose (she poos twice a day, and zero pain) ... I panic she's allergic to everything. As in carrot, broccoli, baby rice ... not high risk stuff.

My GP said to ring back after Easter if the poo is still green. Trying to be a NORMAL person and just do that, seeing as she's in no pain.

You know what Bucket I have a yummy-looking artisan du chocolat egg just waiting to be eaten and it might just be the thing to cheer me up and get me over this hump. I really shouldn't be just cutting dairy without a) a serious reason to and b)some medical advice.

I realised that I have been forgetting my own advice which is to talk to yourself as you would to a friend - we're often much harder on ourselves than anyone else. I'm sure I wouldn't be berating a friend in my position for not being good enough.

Squizita I hope your DD's poos go back to normal. As above though don't be too hard on yourself for feeling anxious. It's kind of normal when you're dealing with the new and unknown. You're just trying to do the best for your DD that you can.

Sleeping for 30 mins at a time us normal. So is sleeping fo. 2 hours. Or anything inbetween. Most of what is written about baby sleep is rubbish and designed to make you feel crap or exploit the sleep. deprived despair and therefore sell you stuff. Its taken me the best part of a year to really grasp this. Sleep is developmental in that they will learn to settle and sleep linger stretches in their own time. For some that might be 2 days old for others 5 years old. Try and do what you can to get enough sleep to function and dont stress about it. From the mum of a 14month old cat napper who is slowly getting better when not teething!

My advice?

Don't Google.

Seriously, don't Google.

I remember reading various parenting forums and Googling furiously when DS was tiny and I genuinely thought I had either a freak of a baby or I was doing everything wrong. People talking about routines and regular feeds and naps... My baby didn't nap for longer than 20 minutes til he was 10 months old!

stop googling it is no good for u. u have a cat napper, ive had one of those, totally normal, she eventually slept for 1 1/2 hours in the day around 8 months. her night sleep also went to pot. babies have not read about what they are/are not meant to do? does baby seem happy and not overtired all the time? then you are doing ok!
relax, I think mums put far too much pressure on themselves, just enjoy baby, stop reading parenting books/websites they just cause unnecessary worry.

I have 2 Dc and I still compare myself to everyone, second guess myself etc. Can sympathise on the sleep as DS1 was and still is a "poor " sleeper which I get very worked up about. Also sympathise re dairy and tummy prob, ds2 had green poos for weeks and I cut out dairy; thy are getting better but who knows if that is a coincidence.

Anyway my humble advice is to remember that you are exhausted and still.recovering physically from pg and birth, so try to take care of yourself that helps things feeL manageable.

Secondly, and this comes a bit with time, try to note and remember the things you were anxious about which turned out ok. For eg I spent many an hour fretting about DS1s early waking and how it set his whole day off "wrong". With time he began to wake a bit later and I can see that was just a phase with no ill effects apart from to my sleep. So I can remember that now if I start to worry about something else. It is all a phase and so often we just need to find ways to ride the phase out instead of solving it.

Finally I found some CBT techniques helpful to pinpoint the thoughts which were triggering anxiety and to prepare/develop different statements which challenge those thoughts. Eg if I find myself thinking "ds never sleeps well and I am not helping him" I try to tell myself he is within normal sleep patterns and he is improving.

Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful replies. Agree re googling making you feel like you are doing wrong violater.

Thanks littlealien I know you're right that there is a vast spectrum of 'normal'. Well done for staying sane through 14 months of catnapping! DD does seem happy as long as she gets enough catnaps so whilst it's a pain for me I should just relax and go with it.

Good advice Deana4 and good to know your DD did eventually sleep for longer! Definitely going to try to relax and focus on DD not the books.

Hazy you're right, there are already things that I have worried about which turned out not to be an issue. I really like the CBT technique you mentioned. I do have a problem with all or nothing thinking so that will really help me.

I have to say that I know there are those who knock MN but I have received nothing but good advice and support so thank you

Yes this was me. My book shelves are full of every bloody sleep book ever written. I have notebooks full of when DS napped with a little tick if I thought he had been over stimulated. Oh and spreadsheets of how long he had fed at each breast. My two obsessions were sleeping and feeding. Spent all my time on the baby boards obsessing.
In the end I had a bad sleeper that wanted to be up and with us, he's 3 now and is still snoring his head off upstairs.
Baby wearing worked for us to let me walk around the house and do stuff.
Like others have said, get out, meet other mums, fresh air, relax and enjoy. The next phase will be along soon I promise