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Parenting

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Original poster

Martyr mums....

19 replies

Twoplus3 · 31/03/2015 14:32

Apparently I am one, according to my not so lovely sister in law, and her reasons for her thinking this....
I quit my job to be a sahm, I extended breastfeeding my daughter until she was 2, I chose not to send my children to the local (crap) primary school and instead opted to send them to school slightly further away that were so much better but meant that I had to drive them there and pick them up everyday, I haven't had a night out in almost a year, I do arts and crafts with my kids, I spend more of my money on them than I do myself, I could go on and on. These are just a few of the things she said to me last night when we were all at the in laws having dinner and a heated discussion turned into a proper row.

All I do is enjoy my kids and want the best for them, I quit my job because I'd worked full time whilst my eldest two children were small and I felt that I missed out on a lot. I extended breastfeeding my youngest because she enjoyed it and I didn't feel like she was ready to wean. I do arts and crafts with them because I enjoy it and I chose to send my kids to better schools further away because i want them to have the best education possible and I don't mind driving them to school until they're old enough to start secondary and will most likely want to go by themselves.

So anyway am I wrong to be fuming with my Sil? We are not close and only see each other when we have to as we are like chalk and cheese. She got drunk last night at Mil's house and it all came spilling out, the resentment she clearly has towards me.

She is three years older than me but she acts like a spoilt child most of the time. She has five children to five fathers, she has never worked yet despite this she never takes her children to school or picks tnem up. Instead she relies on my Mil or my Bil's wife to take them whilst she goes back to bed. She gets loads in benefits yet my nieces and nephews are walking round in inappropriate clothing that often doesn't fit, yet she walks round in lovely expensive clothes, has weekly pedicures/manicures, eats out with friends at least twice a week, and is always spending money on booze and fags instead of on her kids. I have never ever voiced my opinion anout this to anyone but my dh kind of thinks she's a disgrace but keeps out of it as can't be doing with the backlash. But when she dares to accuse me of playing the martyr just for taking an interest in my kids and doing what's best for them, I could throttle her. Don't know how we even mover forward from this now as I can't stand her, but we've got s huge family wedding next week, I just feel so angry!

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Gileswithachainsaw · 31/03/2015 14:46

Well none of those things make you sound a martyr unless you refuse to.leave your kids with anyone then moan about it.

how many dad's and benefits however have nothing to.do with how your sil is. If they are neglected then why doesn't your dh or her family report her.

thecatfromjapan · 31/03/2015 14:46

In my opinion, phrases like 'martyr mum' are just a way of diminishing the real labour of mothering AND of putting mothers into boxes in ways that stop them/us coming together and demanding recognition of their/our labour.

As an individual, she is being a bit of a cow to you. Step back. Don't get into the obvious trap of trading insults.

It's hard not to seethe and think: "fuck you! Who are you to insult me when you do x, y, z!" but I would advise just realtivising it: she's not a nice person, and she's taking stuff out on you.

Her judgement of you matters not at all.

The absolute best way to deal with this is to take about an hour to congratulate yourself on everything you do; to revel in who you are and your decisions; to feel actually, actively smug. You probably don't let yourself do it as a rule because you're a nice person.

But do it for an hour.

Then go back to being Ms Pleasant.

As for your sister in law: she's rude and a blabber mouth when she's drunk. Take her off to one side next time you see her and tell her quietly and firmly that you don't want her to feel she can say things like that to you again. It was unpleasant. You didn't like it. Ore-mail her. You don't have to go into any detail, just say you don't like it and leave it there. This is a new technique I am trying and I find it's quite hard to argue with. I've borrowed it from working with children.

Remember: being happy living your life is pretty much the best thing in the world. Take joy in the fact that you seem to be well on the way to that. It is not your fault if your s-i-l doesn't have that, and she is wrong in thinking that making you sad is going to make her life better. It won't.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/03/2015 14:48

And yes. I'd nod and smile and keep your cool. don't give her anything to start on you with.

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CultureSucksDownWords · 31/03/2015 14:52

She sounds like she has got a lot of issues, none of which are your fault.

The only option for the family wedding is to stonewall her. Don't engage or respond to any unpleasant comments. Choose a few phrases to use like "that's not something I want to talk about now", or "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is just what we do as a family", or whatever. Then just repeat them every time she tries to engage, in as neutral a tone and manner as you can manage. Briskly change the topic if you can, or better still, move away from her and have an urgent need to talk to someone else "oh look there's so-and-so, must quickly catch them" and so on.

If you get stuck with her and she starts to rant at you, then often these people can be thrown by a non-committal response that sounds like you're agreeing when actually you're not - like "I see what you're saying, hmm that's interesting".

thecatfromjapan · 31/03/2015 14:54

Those stone-walling phrases are VERY good.

squizita · 31/03/2015 16:00

Your life, your kids.
So long as it's not a case of a woman being forced to work/not work and the kids are safe ... then it's all good.

Your SIL can't hold her liquor. She's got some issues. The only one whining is her. IGNORE!

mommabear12 · 01/04/2015 01:47

She's threatened by you. You represent everything that is wrong with her life and so in order to make herself feel better she tries to convince herself and everyone else that there must be something wrong with you. However she uses very positive information about your parenting skills in order to criticise you and as such she has made herself look rather ridiculous.

You are obviously a good mother so please continue to be a positive role model and don't degrade yourself by getting into petty arguments with her. She is setting up conflicts in order to tempt you into saying something nasty and therefore looking bad. She probably hears all the time how good you are and this is her rather immature way of trying to lead you into behaving like her and destroying your own good reputation.

I think you are quite justified after this in minimising your contact with her from now on.

mommabear12 · 01/04/2015 01:49

Ps - you have given your children an excellent start in life and you should be very proud of yourself. They are lucky to have such a hands on mum.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/04/2015 11:15

You're both as bad as each other. She judges you negatively. You judge her negatively.

Lonz · 01/04/2015 21:05

I don't understand how she thinks she has a leg to stand on when pointing out everything right you do for your kids! That's just dumb. It seems to be everything that she can't be bothered to do herself with her kids. Why is doing arts and crafts so bad..? o.O
What she is trying to insult you with is what is called being a mum. Clearly she doesn't know what that is! Can't be bothered to take her kids TO school let alone pick them UP? Who puts that burden on someone else when she's capable of doing it herself?!

I'd definitely ignore her. You don't need to interact with her if she's going to talk to you like that. "Martyr mum"...No, it's just what you do when you're a parent.
I will say though that you can't hold it against her how many dads she has to her kids or amount of benefit she gets.

Heels99 · 01/04/2015 21:10

Not having a night out in a year?! Why?

SanityClause · 01/04/2015 21:15

What thecatfromjapan said seems very wise, to me.

If you are happy with your decisions, what does it matter what she thinks? And vice versa, actually.

CultureSucksDownWords · 01/04/2015 21:18

Heels99, presumably because the OP didn't want to have a night out, or she hasn't been able to sort out childcare to do so. I can think of a variety of reasons why that might be the case.

BentleyBelly · 02/04/2015 12:54

The only way that the above would make you a martyr is if you do all that and then complain about it ie you choose not to work and then moan that you can't, you refuse an offer of a babysitter and then complain that you haven't had a night out in a year. If you don't moan about it and like it that way then you are definitely not a martyr and she is being a bitch. I would be fuming but I am not very good at letting things go. For the sake of harmony in your family I would try to ignore her but I know how hard that would be.

anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 13:02

Well my judgement of your facts is that she is a shit mother and they do exist and you are a great mother.

She feels entirely inferior in her mothering skills to you so she needs to undermine yours in order to validate her own choices. You see less extreme versions of this every day on here. 'You SAH I work you are lazy', 'you bf I ff you are a member of the breastapo who tries to make me feel guilty'. It is an unpleasant feature of the human race that we have a tendency to do this. Social media has really amplified the issue although as your experience has shown it happens in real life too.

Heels99 · 02/04/2015 13:03

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't been out for a year, poor op

CultureSucksDownWords · 02/04/2015 13:22

Surely that depends on whether they mind, Heels99? If they don't mind then what's to worry about?

Midorichan · 02/04/2015 13:22

She's only right that you're being a martyr mum ONLY if you're whinging/complaining about all the things too. Then yes. But if a mum is just happily living life and not complaining about all the arts and crafts and driving and breastfeeding etc etc, then of course you're not a martyr mum.

samjammy · 04/04/2015 12:30

yep you don't sound like a martyr for doing those things - it's moaning about them that would make that. I don't see it relevant how many dads there are to her kids though, but of course if she is spending her money all on herself and not them that's horrible and I would be tempted to say something or even report if you actually think they are neglected.

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