Ideas for/experiences of dealing with a child who behaves in a narcissistic way?

[tootsietoo]

I've posted about my daughter before, a while back. She's 8. I have been struggling with how to deal with her for quite a few years now. After doing a lot of reading, her behaviour seems to fall very neatly within all the criteria for defining a narcissist. She is controlling, has no empathy, never accepts explanations for why we don't like her behaviour and generally makes family life fairly unpleasant a lot of the time. Has anyone got experience of dealing with a child like this? I need ideas, resources, help to do the right thing and make sure she doesn't grow up to be unbearable to be with! Thanks.

I hope you've managed to resolve the problems you had chaiselounger. If nothing else, by using a label or word like that it emphasises just how bad the problem is to you.

Thanks Kittyfan. You are certainly right, but I've just realised that the boundaries and words are not enough - I was using those things and everything was spiralling into bigger and bigger battles. The minute I gave her what she actually wants (on my terms of course) everything was easier. And of course she wants my attention. I had a proper good think back to her birth the other day and had a bit of a cry and felt so sorry for her and me. I had pre-eclampsia so she was born by emergency c-section and came out blue so was immediately whisked off for 20 minutes before I could see her, and I had canulars in both arms hooked up to drugs for several days, so I couldn't even reach her to touch her unless I rang the bell to get someone to hand her to me. I am really wary of pop psychology (or would it be psychiatry?), but it is sort of understandable how a feeling of being away from your warm safe place could maybe "hard wire" itself into a child's brain.

tootsietoo - no probs. To be fair, if your/any child does genuinely have a personality disorder, owning that label and using it to find the right way to understand that child's world so they can engage with those around them is hugely important. I'm just always a bit wary of throwing pop diagnoses around - once we start labelling someone that way, it can be really easy to read their future behaviour in light of that label, so it becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I agree that being unable to touch her after she was born must have been difficult for both of you, and may have affected your bond (on both sides, really, it's amazing what we can bury that way).

The more you can build routines for her, the better of she'll be. But I understand that's not always possible with kids!

I'd consider getting her to see a professional if her behaviour problems are causing her great difficulties at school or if you really can't cope. But I would be wary of getting a diagnosis at this early an age - several reasons for this, one is that it's far too easy to be misdiagnosed and then it becomes hard to shift that diagnosis later (which is why personality disorder generally won't be diagnosed by a professional until the individual is 16 or 18 in most countries), and partly because if it is causing her problems at school you might just find those problems get worse if she gets labelled by classmates in this way (if the visit to a psychiatrist/psychologist is disclosed to them by anyone).

I'd recommend reading a book called The Chimp Paradox. I think it might really help you both (her behaviour, and you in coping with it and keeping your energy levels up). It's by a guy called Dr Steve Peters. I suggest this because it's a great book for managing emotional outbursts generally (all of us can benefit from it), but also because each chapter has some little exercises in it that you can both do together. While it's aimed at adults, the concepts he uses to describe how we act involved kid-friendly things like Chimp, Gremlins, and Goblins, so you could explain it to her and work through the exercises together, and it won't feel like some dry academic thing at all. It's really easy to read for adults, and kids will enjoy the characters he uses.

I hope this helps.

p.s. psychiatrist/psychologist - the main difference is that the former can prescribe drugs while the latter can't. It's more a difference in job description than what they know or what experience they draw from. ;)