Grandpa flounced off - what to tell DD (4)

[Cartman12]

Long, grim story cut short: my Dad's always had an anger problem. Upon retiring, his bullying/aggression spiralled and I asked him to get help. This was not received well. He flounced off overseas and vanished.

DD (4) hasn't seen him for 10 months and we've no idea if he'll try and make contact at some point in the future. He is/was her only Grandparent.

She's asked where he is a handful of times. I've said he's in Spain (I think he probably is and don't want to lie). I'm anxious about how this disappearance could affect her feelings/confidence/sense of self.

What on earth do we tell her as time goes by and she grows up? Is it better to say nothing? Every sodding book she reads seems to feature a 'Grandpa' and I panic and stumble over the word. Anyone been through this?

I have a similar situation and I'm worried about this too. My Dad was on the other side of the world at the last intelligence report, I've not seen him for 2 1/2yrs after also having a discussion about his anger and drinking issues. We've exchanged emails a few times so he knows he's a Granddad, and I've sent updates and pictures (although I gave this up a few months ago as he wasn't replying). My DD is only 10 months so is obviously too young to notice his absence at the moment, but I know one day she'll ask about him. She has my DM and DSF as GPs but both paternal GPs died a number of years ago and my DM is on borrowed time. I think given my DFs problems, it may be in my DDs best interests not to have a relationship with him (my childhood was made pretty rocky because of them), but it still makes me sad he's never even expressed a desire to meet his only grandchild (I'm an only child).
I'm not sure totally ignoring it is right, surely she'll just keep asking? I think when DD does ask about him I'll just say he would have loved to meet/know her but he's not very well so isn't able to. As she gets (a lot) older I'll expand a bit. I'm also hoping keeping the door open for him, in which case DD will have a very 'managed' relationship with him. It's really tricky isn't it? How can they not want to be involved and get to know this bright happy little dot who's their own flesh and blood?

Mad, isn't it? To put stubbornness/pride/ishoos before having fun with a gorgeous wee ray of sunshine. Unfathomable. And depressing, too.

Agreed - any relationship probably should be 'managed' when there's anger involved. My childhood was also, um, unenviable because of his anger. Actually, pre-flounce, we did try managed sessions for a while but his control freakery got the better of him and he kept cancelling and titting about. I don't miss him at all. He bullied me to (almost) the point of madness. And yet still the irrational regret, sorrow and disbelief lingers like a bad smell. Pah.

I really like your 'not very well' idea. Kinda true. And she loves that wretched Dr Ranj on Get Well Soon! Thank you.

DH and I 100% regret ever letting him meet her in the first place. It must've been the hormones or sentimentality or summat that made me forget what he's like. It's been a sodding nightmare, but at least he fecked off when she was 3 and not 13. Hey, at least we know what NOT to do with this parenting wheeze...

Very true. I've been lucky to find and marry the opposite of my DF, so between him and my determination for history to not be repeated (as it was from my Grandma and Dad, to Dad and me) DD will never know that kind of upbringing. Means I've got to think up new ways to scar her for life, but I'm going more with the mum-dancing kind of embarrassment.
DH isn't happy about them ever meeting, but will compromise if he's present too.
I hope your little girl doesn't hurt too much over his disappearance. It's made me rethink my overly ambitious and hopeful plans - it's funny how time makes you forget just how bad it can get and give false hope isn't it? I'd just like to be able to make the most and best of what's on offer, but I need to temper that against the upset it could cause DD should something go wrong.

Ah, very glad you've married an opposite. I did too, hurrah! So far so good - DD's childhood a very different beast to mine. Well done us.

A very kind and fairly ancient great-aunt of DH has offered to call herself Granny so DD doesn't feel totally bereft. They've developed a really sweet no pressure relationship - meet up every 6-8 weeks or so for afternoon tea.

If they do meet, it might be worth just saying 'This is Bob' rather than 'This is your Grandpa' at the first meeting in case he sods off again?

(Get the violins out, but when you see all those 'normal' (ha!) family units out and about, do you ever think WHY ME?? All the kids at nursery get collected by these lovely, sane, twinkly Grandparents at least once a week. Bah humbug).

I've had a similar situation with a family member. The person looked after my 3 kids once or twice a week for about 5 yrs. Then 1 day it stopped abruptly, no real warning, no contact what so ever. The kidsasked a few times when they would see the person again, I was as honest as they needed to hear, usually I'm not sure (realistically when hell freezes over) they would frequently talk about this person but as the yrs have gone by its reduced and the kids are absolutely fine about it. At the time they were 7, 4 and 2.

I've not got a 4 year old (mine's still 2) so I don't know much about communicating with one that age, but is there a nice way of telling her you don't get on so well with him, being honest yet limited in what you say? e.g. say "not all grown ups are a good fit with each other as they are quite different people....?" or would that lead to more difficult questions?

I think its OK to admit you don't know .
Where is grandad ? I don't know, he might be in Spain.
When will I see Grandad? I don't know, if he comes back to this town, may be then.
Why doesn't Grandad come round ? I don't know, he hasn't told me.

Aw, thank you for the great advice and ideas. I'd lost all objectivity.
Slightly - that's great to hear that the kids were/are ok about it. DD seems to be a pretty robust character and has had a pretty stable childhood compared to me, so hopefully she won't be too bothered.
Uni - you're so right. Lies just breed more lies.