Safety of my child with my mother

[ladyrosy]

I am not even sure what I am asking here, if anything. It's something I am worrying about and it is going around my head a lot, so maybe writing it down will help me.

My first child's due date is in 2 weeks 1 day. My mum had a relationship with a man for 19 years. They split up just over 3 years ago when she found out that he had been downloading child sexual abuse images from the internet again. She kicked him out, and I persuaded her to go to the police about it.

He was convicted 2 years ago, and got a suspended sentence for over 15,000 illegal images, over 10,000 of which were of child sexual abuse (the other images being of things like bestiality, necrophilia etc). He is on the Sex Offenders Register for 8 more years, and had a supervision order for 2 years which has now run out.

When she kicked him out of her house, he moved in to his mum's place which is about 25 miles from me (her house is about 100 miles from me).

Since announcing that I am pregnant, she has decided that she is going to move to my home town to be close to her grandchild.

The problem I have is that she is still friends with her ex. I had a huge argument with her a few months ago as she expects that she will have grandchild over her house, and there will be no problem if her ex is there too. She says that him being a paedophile is only a small aspect of his personality, and that as his sexual preference is mainly for 10-12 year old girls, my child will be safe with him as it will be a baby. We haven't told anyone the gender of the unborn child, so she doesn't know if one day her grandchild will be a 10-12 year old girl.

I asked her if it would be possible for him not to be there when her grandchild is visiting. She asked me how would I ever know if he had or hadn't been there anyway? She likened the risk to her crossing the road with her grandchild, and accused me of being overprotective and ridiculous. It sounded like she wouldn't have a problem of hiding any contact her ex had with my child. She's a pretty good liar.

She doesn't know it yet, but I have decided (and have full support of my fiance) that she will not have unsupervised access to my child, as her judgement cannot be trusted. I've tried to make her realise that she is being too casual regarding the safety of her grandchild, but she does not see it.

I don't want her to move here. She hasn't found a house she likes here and her house isn't on the market yet. Honestly, I don't particularly like her much as a person. I do wonder whether telling her outright that she will not have unsupervised access before she moves is "the right thing" so she can decide if she still wants to move up. I am sure she'll blame me for wasting her time and money if I tell her after she moves, even if it was her idea and I really have not encouraged her. It will cause a massive shitstorm whenever it happens.

Fiance thinks that we don't have to tell her outright, and it won't be a problem for a long time as I will be on maternity leave for a year and will (crossed fingers) be breastfeeding, so have good reason to not leave my child unattended with her. He has a point, and I know I am prone to feeling guilt a lot where it comes to my mum.

I am not quite sure what action to take right now, if any. I know I am worrying about it more as my due date comes closer. I don't know anyone in a similar or comparable situation. I just know that I will not let my child be around a known, convicted paedophile, even if it ruins whatever relationship I have with my mum.

Any useful thoughts/tips, anyone?

You've made the right decisIon. I would just state your position and then leave it there. If your mum talks to anyone about it she'll soon realise that the vast vast majority of people will feel the same way about this as you do.

I am totally shocked that she is taking this stance and I would completely be in agreement with your views. Based on your overall position that you don't like her much and that she has chosen to stay friends with someone like this, I would have no problem in your shoes just telling her outright that you would rather she did not move close, and that even if she did there would be no unsupervised visits with your child as she is clearly unwilling to take your views on board. Sounds harsh I know, but you child must absolutely come first. She has made her decision that this man is more important than her own daughters views on her child's safety and this tells me everything I need to know about her. Good luck and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. xx

Wow - so if I've got this right - did you live with him when you were younger ? I would say absolutely no contact with your DM whilst she is still friends with this vile individual. As for her saying you wouldn't know if your DC saw him simple never let her see your DC on her own

I'd tell her your decision now before she moves up. It would be extremely foolish to leave your baby anywhere near this man as he may have a 'preference' for 10 to 12 year old girls but he would potentially be a huge danger and your Mum doesn't see this. Good luck with the birth and don't let any of this spoil your time with your newborn.

I'd be honest from the start and tell your Mum in no uncertain terms your wishes that she will not have any unsupervised visits with your child due to her association with that vile cretin. She can then make her own decision which relationship means the most to her you and your dc or a friendship with a convicted paedophile. If she picks him then I'm sorry but she's just as bad as him in my eyes. How she can be friends with a man who has preference for 10 and 12 year old girls quite frankly baffles me. You are by no means being over protective or over reacting your being a normal mum concerned about the safety of your child.

I only know that i would sacrifice my life to protect my ds in the blink of an eye so I would certainly have no trouble cutting someone out of his life who is a danger to him. You are absolutely right and not at all overprotective.

This must all be horrendous for you - I'm sorry.

I agree you should tell her now. She'll be angry and upset, but probably less so than if you tell her after she's moved 100 miles. And if you don't like her/trust her judgement, do you really want her living in the same town as you at all? 100 miles seems like a good distance to maintain - by telling her now that there will be no unsupervised access, you should be able to keep that distance.

Your doing the right thing.
Who in their right mind would allow their child to be near such an animal.
For your mum to say don't worry because he is only interested in 10-12 year olds is just absolutely mental.
As a previous poster said if she discusses this with others she will realise the severity and horror of it.
Stand your ground, you're doing great!!!!

Tell your mum now.

she says that him being a paedophile is only a small aspect of his personality, and that as his sexual preference is mainly for 10-12 year old girls, my child will be safe with him as it will be a baby.

I think there must be something wrong with your mum for her to even think, still less express such a thought. Her being able to rationalise this kind of crime/evil in such a way, would make me stop her ever seeing my child on her own. She has absolutely no judgement of right and wrong. Even if she agrees he won't be near the baby, I still wouldn't let her alone with my child.

I'm another that thinks you should tell her now, if you don't particularly like her then if she's further away any fall out won't be as dramatic as if she was close to you and lived on your doorstep

redshoeblueshoe - I lived with them when I was 18-20. She started seeing him when I was 12 but I didn't meet him until I was 15 (and she had just split up with my dad), luckily.

I think I will tell her before she moves that she won't have unsupervised contact. I quite like her being so far away, so it would be a benefit if she stayed there. And if I am being bitter (which I am), she moved there to be with him and left my brother and I alone in our hometown when I was 16. She can bloody stay there.

Canyouforgiveher - I agree. There is quite a lot wrong with my mum. Her mental health is pretty screwed. I can only make sense of it by thinking of her as "wired differently". Trying to make sense of her logically nearly makes my head explode.

It's been nice that no-one has told me to try to explain it more to her so she understands why it is so wrong. I've tried and failed, and I feel like there should be some way I can get through to her. I feel bad that I can't help her.

This post has been a sanity check and I feel better for it, thank you. She makes me feel like I am the bonkers one, and 99% of the time I am sure it's her, but I can't help but worry when she is so certain.

How stressful for you. You are completely right though - follow your gut on this one.

With your help, I've realised it is going to be a shitstorm whenever I tell her, so I may as well get the benefit of her being far far away with it.

Just keep it factual, "we have made the decision that you will only be able to see our dc when we're present." And if need be, "your views on what is safe are not the same as ours, so you will not be seeing our dc alone".

You are right. Be clear, you don't need to engage and discuss as you know she won't listen. Just say that you've made your decision and that is how it will be, it doesn't matter if she thinks you're blowing things out of proportion.

I think that the fact you even speak to someone who is friends with a person who views child abuse images, and therefore encourages more people to abuse children, is overly generous.

Good luck with everything.

Tbh I would find it incredibly difficult, maybe even impossible, to maintain a relationship with someone who condones this mans actions.

Any relationship your child has with her needs to be an arms-length one.

Please please contact her and tell her straight.

You are completely, entirely, 100% in the right and your mum's appalling judgment is frankly terrifying. Do not for a moment allow her to make you think otherwise. I think you are right to tell her before she moves.

I have no idea whether it is possible or even legal to contact his parole officer (or whoever is responsible for his sentence) and raise this issue. Do you know if that's something you can do?

I think it would be good to tell her once that you would prefer her not to move and that it is unlikely that you will leave your baby with anyone.

you can't control her actions but you don't have to explain anything / see here / leave your baby with her engage in general, especially once baby arrives.

We have been in a very similar situation, we informed her that there would only be contact with the kids while we were present. The contact would be away from her home. When it came down to it she supported the other person more and cut contact with us apart from birthday and Christmas cards. (Usually ended up in the bin before kids saw them)
Get her told now while she's miles away, so much easier to do than face to face. You are most definitely doing the right thing to protect your children. And as for the "your baby will be safe comment" one day your baby will be 10yrs old and if even under supervised visits he/she sees him that would have to stop, imagine explaining to a 10yr old why. This was 1 of the biggest reasons we absolutely would not have any contact or mention of him around the kids. I don't want to have to explain to my kids who he is and why they can't see him until they are old enough to be able to handle it and fully understand.