Help! The hamster is dead - how do I tell him?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

He's 4 and has recently started to become more aware of dying and what it means. I've already explained that in Real Life things don't come back to life, unlike in some films like Frankenweenie, and that it means a person or an animal has gone and can't come back. He sort of gets it but this is the first time he's experienced it and I need some words that will soften the blow, especially as he's starting to understand that if animals can die so can humans (i.e. DH and I). Outwardly he doesn't show many signs of being upset or worrying about things, but his upset/ anxiety tends to come out in other ways, like dropping things into conversation a week or two later, or having night terrors and nightmares. Any advice on what kind of a burial service we can do and what we can say? Neither of us is religious - we're agnostic, but I'm aware that heaven might be a comforting idea for a 4 yo.

Not much advice I can give but I remember when I was about 5, we had a chipmunk that died. I think my mum just told us that it had died over night, with no pain. We buried it in the garden and it went to heaven. I don't think it really phased me, as I knew things died after a long time (I knew animal years were earlier) Kids are stronger than people think.

I personally wouldn't bother saying anything about heaven unless you actually believe in it. There are other ways of processing and dealing with death, even at that age. In your position I would just be honest, explain that little animals don't live as long as big animals, but that he had a happy life. Then give him space to be sad and talk about it. Bringing things up later in conversation and dreaming are natural ways of processing emotion.

My kids (7 and 5) are so far surprisingly ok with death. Their dad is a biologist, and they know about what happens to dead animals in the ground - they fertilize the soil for more plants to grow, or provide food for other animals or insects. They love visiting the zoo, but the older one in particular is also quite happy to go fishing, watch his dad bash a fish on the ground to kill it, and then gut it and eat it for his tea. I think that has helped a bit with them seeing it as part of life. Yesterday was their first funeral - their great-grandmother, who they both knew reasonably well. The older one found it moving, but they were both also fascinated with the urn going in the ground, and people putting flowers in after. I imagine you've done the deed now - hope it went ok, and don't be put off if your DS is not especially sad (at least not immediately), but rather curious about the whole process.

Tell him the hamster is dead, that his body wore out as he was v v old for a hamster and thats that.

I think learning about death via a much-loved pets demise, is a Good Thing tbh.

Has he seen the hamster's dead body? I think it is useful to actually see death's unique stillness; so unlike 'sleeping'. Please do not use the phrase 'he's gone to sleep' - that can really freak some children out who then become of sleep.

Bury him in the garden. Have a special box, maybe with a cloth hanky for a 'shroud' and some dandelions flowers in it? Give a speech, thanking hammie for his excellent services as a pet. Or whatever else you want to say.
I would not crow-bar heaven in to your explanation unless it's something you believe in. I think it's ok to day 'we don't know what happens after death' and leave it at that. Answer questions as and when he asks them (which like you say may be after some time on and off) and 'I don't know' is an honest and perfectly acceptable answer IMO.

Also, children can be quite gruesome about death - I've had to dig a pet back up after a few days to check that it was still there. I was 8 at the time…

So I told him after nursery yesterday and he burst into tears immediately, asking why he had to die and he wanted to hold him again and thought he'd see him running around in his castle again. He briefly asked if he could bring him back to life with electricity and I explained that only works in films and that when an animal dies in real life they're gone and can't come back. He asked lots of very astute questions (he's a bright button) which I answered as well and directly as I could. I said he died because he was very old for a hamster and his body got worn out but that it would now feed the flowers and plants and give life to things. He wanted to see him again so we showed him. He was ok at that point. We buried him today (in a Maltesers box ) and planted daffodils on top of him and said we hoped he'd enjoyed his life with us and goodbye. He'd been ok since last night but shed another few tears and told us he was sad he wouldn't see him again. His response has been entirely appropriate and it's been quite strange seeing grief progress in such a natural way without us having 'taught' him it. I'm not sure if that sounds strange? Anyway, I found the saddest thing realising that he's lost a little more innocence. It's normal but I find it hard knowing he's reached an age when things matter and I can't protect him from the more horrible aspects of life. I realised that he would be very upset if it was a person he loved. Until now it's been sunshine, lollipops and rainbows and now he knows life isn't always like that.