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Parenting

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Partner giving me a hard time

22 replies

Ferrygirl2000 · 26/03/2015 09:23

I need to vent please. My partner and I (of nearly 10 years) have not long had our first child. I had a very difficult birth and needed emergency surgery after and a full blood transfusion and over a week in hospital. My partner (who has adult kids from a previous relationship) made a lot of noise about how he'd support me and give me a little break each weekend so I could have a day to myself etc. since we got home he's hardly lifted a finger, he's done only a handful of feeds and will moan about everything. He says he's tired and I've yet to get that day to myself. Instead he's either slept (his day off and he'd slept all night, got up for an hour then fell asleep on the sofa and slept another 10 hours! Then moaned he was cold when he woke up) or cleaned the car, went out etc. I was told to have salt baths every day but as soon as my partner comes in he says he's tired, makes himself food and heads to bed. This morning he says to me I'm starting to look more like myself. I got a bit teary and he said he doesn't know how to handle that and he shouldn't bother giving me a compliment and next time we're out he'll do the same to me as me getting teary makes him look bad! I've tried saying to him about keeping promises and he just says he's so tired that I don't appreciate how hard he works (it's me that pays the majority of the bills btw). He's also moaned about various family members (both sides) then wonders why they now won't help with child care when I go back to work. He's now agreed (without asking me) to work away for 3-4 months. I'm so angry as a few years ago when I needed to be away with work for a few days he said he wasn't happy me going and didn't shut up about it. Eventually the trip was cancelled. But can he not see that me being teary (still in a lot of pain from the surgery) is normal?

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 26/03/2015 09:26

Was he an arse before the birth?
He sounds like a bachelor coming home making himself dinner and going to bed? Does he cook for you too?
Where is he going out too? He should be at home supporting you!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/03/2015 09:30

Has he always been a lazy, unkind, selfish dick or has he had a personality transplant since you had a baby?

squizita · 26/03/2015 11:19

Bang out of order.

My DH has his issues (mainly with priorities and timing eg his job is laundry ... If there are no clean shirts and pants do a WHITE wash immediately not a jeans wash tomorrow you muppet! Grin ) but would never dream about acting like this.

Unfortunately if he has other dc maybe he acted like this before so it will be hard to convince him he's BU ...?

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purplemurple1 · 26/03/2015 11:33

Congratulations on your new baby,

Unfortunatly (as you shouldn't need to when you are vunurable) I think you need to put your foot down. He is being a twat and I don't see that changing easily.

Have you sat down and dicsussed with him how you feel, how tired you are, that being with the baby 24/7 is not your idea of having a break. Could you write him a letter / email if you don't feel you can tell him face to face?

As a start could you just have your bath run alreday when he gets in from work and just be matter of fact about the fact that you need to have a salt bath to aid your recovery. Or plan a trip out without the baby on his day off, for a couple of hours (assuming you aren't bf, or if you are could you pump?)

Also why are you paying most of the bills, have you saved to pay for your own maternity leave or are you also working, if he is in no way supporting the family (money, emotional, ...) do you really need him?

Ferrygirl2000 · 26/03/2015 11:42

He rarely cooks for me but has a habit of if I'm cooking something for both of us criticising then trying to take over but moaning about it

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/03/2015 12:05

Right
So your partner is a dick. What are you going to do about it?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/03/2015 12:09

Is there anyone else who can help you out? I'm not taking having baby all day, just maybe an hour or two while you have a bath and maybe so me sleep?

As for your P, do you feel strong enough to tell him that he needs to man up and start supporting you and looking after his baby too?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/03/2015 12:31

Oh and can you have your bath while baby is in a bouncy chair in the room? Big your partner is doing things like cleaning the car, could you ask him to put baby in a sling while he does it or to drive to a car wash with lo?

Could you get yourself some food that is easy to prepare today so that you can feed yourself, preferably before he gets in from work? Even a stash of ready meals might help.

Are you getting out too? Some adult company might help Smile

Ferrygirl2000 · 26/03/2015 16:02

Thank you for the replies. I've tried saying to him in writing and he's full of promises then lets me down. If I try speaking to him about it he just moans and says I'm trying to make him out to be a bad guy when he works so hard. I pay the majority of the bills as I own the house. He pays me dig money as does one of his adult kids who lives with us. His adult child does more to help out than his Dad does although I wouldn't trust him to babysit. The baby screams when she sees him (I think he's too loud for her). I am now getting out although I struggle a little with the car seat etc due to my stitches, but the alternative was my partner moaning about my doctors appointment at 3 in the afternoon. We don't live that close to family. My best friend was supposed to be giving me a hand but she's gone quiet since her boyfriend moved in. What do I want to do? I'm not sure I'm now thinking his stories of bringing his kids up on his own are just that, stories and it was his Mum that brought them up. He appeared when I got back from the chemist today and barely said 2 words to me apart from asking when I got in and was there any chocolate!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/03/2015 16:08

He's a dick. Bet London to a brick he was a dick to his ex, too.

Do not pack in your job.

Because you're on your own.

This partner is just a sperm donor.

Hope the scales fall from your eyes soon and you get rid of him.

Linguini · 26/03/2015 19:38

He sounds like a total cock lodger on top of selfish too.

I'm do sorry you have ended up with this self absorbed aresehole.

It's unlikely he will suddenly take on a personality transplant, lay down an ultimatum eg step up or get out.

proudmummywife · 27/03/2015 12:59

This is terrible he sounds horrible and absolutely heartless. Life would be so much easier if u put him out. My first child's dad was useless I was so stressed looking after his needs as well as babies I forgot about myself. I finally put him out and thought I'd be devastated but I felt a huge relief and pressure taken off me! My 2nd child to my husband now is so easy and enjoyable my husband used to stop me doing things and made me take relaxing baths and was full on daddy mode when he got home from work. Not just because he loves me to give me a break but to also spend time with his baby that he loved more than life itself. When he went back to work he even put his t-shirt in the cot beside him (God love him).
What I am trying to say is you can do so much better. I didn't think I'd ever find a man like dh.

Quitelikely · 27/03/2015 13:07

Do not put up with this for a minute longer.

Tell your DP if he wants to be s father and partner to you the role requires certain things.

Practical support in raising the baby. Being in the same room or house and sitting on your backside does not count.

Tell him the baby is his responsibility also. Tell him you are entitled to some time off from baby to have simple things such as a salt bath.

Tell him that you are acting as a single mother and are considering making the fact a reality.

Ask what he is going to do from this moment on to support you. Then watch and wait. Hand over the baby and put your feet up.

He sounds like a pathetic excuse of a father and partner. He can only act this way if you let him. Don't stand for it.

Finally if he does not deliver show him the door.

Flowers
LittleLionMansMummy · 27/03/2015 14:39

Wow. I'm so sorry OP. He sounds like an utter shit. Please tell him in words of one syllable - if he doesn't shape up you're shipping out (or, as it is your house you will be asking him to pack his things and do one) and dare him to test you. I hate stories like this. You deserve better.

Ferrygirl2000 · 02/04/2015 10:52

Sorry I've not been on. Not been too well. I spoke to my Mum and she's not surprised. She said she'll be there for me as much as she can (she lives quite far away). I've ended up ignoring my partner the last few days after snapping at him when he picked the baby up after I finally got her settled. He then moaned when she threw up on him. I think he knows I'm angry and very upset and he hadn't mention the tiredness thing till this morning when he commented I looked tired and after I said yes I am he said oh you don't know what tired is. I just gave him a look and he said he was going to bed (he normally messes around, makes food and leaves a mess in the kitchen then falls asleep on the sofa and moans when I ask him to shift as he's supposed to be in bed). One of my friends drove over to see me last night, she couldn't stay long but it was nice just to have a normal chat and a cup of tea whilst my friend held the baby.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/04/2015 17:13

Sorry to hear that's he's still being a selfish twat. Have you decided if you are going to kick him out yet?

Ferrygirl2000 · 02/04/2015 23:53

I don't know what to do. He's going to be working away shortly and I have a suspicion he may not come back, he'll use it as an excuse

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 00:02

Get fucking rid!

I'm fuming just reading this thread at what a prick he is!

Hope he doesn't come back as he willbe doing you a massive favour! But you know what ? He will come back because where will he have it so easy?

You hold a lot more cards here than you realise. He is basically a fucking lodger and a cheeky cunt at that!

If you don't stick up for yourself now you never will and you will have this to look forward to for the rest of your life. Amazing role model for your dd isn't he Hmm

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2015 08:03

Do you want him to come back?

Icimoi · 03/04/2015 08:08

What work does he do that he's so tired? I really don't understand how someone can sleep all night, get up for an hour and then sleep another 10 hours. If he really is that tired he should see a doctor.

nunkspugget · 03/04/2015 10:36

You own the house, I'd be changing locks and packing up his shite while he's away.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2015 16:45

Could you tell him that you are concerned about his tiredness and lack of interest in you and Lo and suggest you go to the doctors together? You'll then be able to tell if he's motivated to change or he's using you as free board and lodgings.

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