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Original poster

New baby affecting our relationship

30 replies

EmmaOt · 25/03/2015 15:41

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post and I'm sorry if it's too long but I was hoping someone would have some advice for me.

My DH and I had our first baby 11 weeks ago. I think it's relevant to say she was planned but my DH took some persuading. Since she has been born my DH has found it hard. He loves her, that is obvious but it is as though he is jealous of her. He seems so unhappy. He says that he misses when it was just us and he doesn't want to be spending all his time looking after her even though I do all the night feeds and early morning feeds, I do most of the housework, cooking, tidying etc but he does some when he gets in from work and at the weekends. It's true our dd does take up a lot of my time but she is 11 weeks old! Ive told him it will get easier as she gets older. I've tried to make sure we have time together, eg a cuddle on the sofa but it's not all evening like it used to be! We still go out eg to pub for lunch but now it's all 3 of us and I think he misses just the 2 of us. I think he's being a bit selfish as I am trying so hard to make things easy for him and I'm not sure exactly what he is finding so hard.

Every time we talk about it we end up arguing and getting upset. I'm really enjoying being a new mum but it's bringing me down, it's almost like he has postnatal depression.

Has anyone got any advice to help me help him adapt to being a new dad?

OP posts:
Bodicea · 25/03/2015 15:51

I think a lots of men find it harder to bond in the early stages.
My dh says he enjoys our 17 month old son a lot more now he can do things with him.
I do think your dh needs a kick up he butt though. I wouldn't know about PBS for males so hopefully someone else will come on to answer.

Things that helps my dh bond were him having certain jobs and being more responsible. If you are doing everything he will never take responsibility and may possibly feel a bit pushed out and jealous.
Maybe give him a certain feed to do or if you are bf make him chief nappy changer ( I did this as I hated it and dh thinks is way better than me now). It will make him feel more involved.

Bodicea · 25/03/2015 15:52

Sorry pnd not PBS!!

BathtimeFunkster · 25/03/2015 16:00

he doesn't want to be spending all his time looking after her

Is he spending all his time looking after her?

It sounds like you are the one doing that and he's more of an onlooker.

IME DH bonded with our babies by looking after them.

He could give her a bath every evening when he comes in from work?

If you have been trying to shield him from the consequences of having a baby, you might have unwittingly sidelined him.

If he has to actually step up and look after her, he is more likely to fall in love with her and realise how much she needs him.

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dicko1 · 25/03/2015 20:36

My other half went through a very similar stage ehen ours was about this age. I do think he was slightly jelous of the bond and the baby had, he was abit unsure of what to do with the baby and in the end when we managed to get a babysitter for a few hours to go out for a meal he revealed he was actually feeling very much under pressure anout the baby and how he was going to provide for us! (although i was on a decent maternity wage). I think they just react diffetently id suggest trying to get them to spend some alone time without him eben realising hes doung it.

attheendoftheday · 25/03/2015 23:51

He needs to spend more time with the baby, not less. By caring for her he'll bond with her. Quite apart from the fact that it is completely unreasonable for him to leave you doing so much more work, I can't imagine that him being so selfish is enhancing your relationship either.

Bottom line is, having a baby is hard, and it changes your relationship. If you pull together you'll be a stronger couple than you ever were before. But you sadly can't make him want to be fair and share the work. If he doesn't I'd imagine that's what will kill your relationship in the end, though.

ouryve · 25/03/2015 23:53

You've had good advice already, but it sounds like you're saddled with an extra kid, unfortunately. He needs to grow the fuck up.

Katekoom · 26/03/2015 02:52

My oh does bath time which he really enjoys but he too misses out so much that it frustrates him that he doesn't know her like i do.

This weekend hes having daddy time with her. I'll be around to feed her as and when but he will be on full daddy time.

To be fair he does sound considerably more interested than your oh though and he cooks dinner every night. Plus he gets up at 5am to walk dog then takes over with lo whilst i shower etc

Why not lull him into bonding. For example could take your lo swimming but tell him your nervous about doing it for the first time, would he be happy to take the lead for the first class. Then progress to the point that its his thing.

allotherusernamesaretaken · 26/03/2015 07:24

You have had a lot of good advice here. I second the ideas about bonding and giving him specific jobs to do.
Babies need looking after all the time and someone needs to do that. It's fairly obvious to say that but maybe he just doesn't quite realise how intense life with a new baby is. Or maybe it is only just starting to dawn on him

Original poster
EmmaOt · 26/03/2015 08:15

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think as you suggest that I was trying to help by shielding him from all the baby care but I will try and ensure that he does more for/with her. I guess it's still early days and having a new baby is a huge adjustment for both of us.
I like the swimming idea too as it's a fun activity, I think I'll suggest that.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Nolim · 26/03/2015 08:22

Babies are hard work and boring

It takes time to adjust to a new routine etc but he has to understand that he cannot fet as much attention as before he had a baby.
Can you get someone to babysit every once in a while to get some quality time?

Original poster
EmmaOt · 26/03/2015 08:27

Nolim- good idea so we can go out just the 2 of us, after all I miss our old life a bit too!

OP posts:
Dollyemi · 26/03/2015 08:28

Another vote for swimming here, we signed up for swimming with Waterbabies as they offered a weekend class for beginners so Daddy could go in with her. After all, I had all week to do things with her. It was the best thing for bonding and trust, 2 years on and they are inseparable, best friends. Good luck

Lagoonablue · 26/03/2015 08:32

He sounds charming..... Jealous of a baby. FFS.

He needs to grow up. You have a baby to care for never mind worrying about your partner. Babies change things. He had better get used to it.

Playthegameout · 26/03/2015 09:49

When we had ds I felt like your dh and it was my husband that had to deal with me being upset and missing the old days. I did have raging pnd and ds had reflux, and it was very hard. In my mind, I knew about sleep deprivation etc, but no one had told me that we'd have to sideline our relationship and I desperately missed just being with dh. I found being so responsible overwhelming, and the grind of feeding, burping, changing, soothing wearinh. I got lots of support and encouragement to have fun with ds, swimming, baby yoga, visiting the sensory room at the children's centre. We asked our parents to help so me and dh could go out for lunch or coffee together once a week. Slowly I developed a bond with ds. Now he is a toddler and centre of my world, I love being with him and feel awful about the early days. Maybe your dh is struggling with the emotional fall out like I did?

Bunbaker · 26/03/2015 09:56

I don't have anything useful to add, but it is rather telling that your husband needed a lot of persuading to become a father in the first place. It seems that this negative attitude is going to be difficult to address.

TheFecklessFairy · 26/03/2015 11:31

I think he is being selfish

He has just watched the love of his life (you) fall in love with someone else - of COURSE he's feeling down.

Nutgirl · 26/03/2015 12:57

Swimming great idea but just to let you know that you have to wait until baby has had all three sets of early vaccinations (usually by 16 weeks old).

Bigbouncingbaby · 26/03/2015 13:06

My DP was exactly the same he was a nightmare really horrible to us and he struggled to grow up and be a parent. DD1 was a nightmare baby but even so . I did the worse thing did everything myself completely shielded him from everything to make life easier for him . Worst thing to do as it lead to a lot of resentment from me and nearly split us up.

Men can feel very side lined and jealous and have a hard time adjusting Im not saying its right but its just a fact . Just try encouraging him to spend time together and try and make time for you both . But it is hard and your probably shattered.

Number one baby is always a shock ...to be honest it amazes me most relationships survive young kids but maybe that's just me !

Bigbouncingbaby · 26/03/2015 13:08

p.s My Dp also took a lot of persuading to become a parent . next time I would listen

allotherusernamesaretaken · 26/03/2015 13:38

You don't have to wait for vaccinations for swimming. The diseases they are vaccinating against can't be caught from the water

Nutgirl · 26/03/2015 13:54

Sorry that's just what I was told by my HV? Could be wrong...

Nolim · 26/03/2015 13:55

I never heard about no swiming before vaccines, the baby needs to be able to hold her head i think.

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 26/03/2015 14:38

nut in the UK there's no reason to wait for any of babies vaccinations, they can go to public swimming pools from a few days old if you want.

Original poster
EmmaOt · 26/03/2015 14:53

Thank you everyone for your advice it has given me a lot to think about. I definitely think part of the problem is that I had to convince him in the first place.Sad I should have known it would be harder for him to adjust.

I think I need to get a babysitter too. There's nothing wrong with having time for just the 2 of us sometimes.

Playthegeout- that is exactly how he feels, he is struggling with being responsible for someone else, we are both in our late thirties and have done our own thing for such a long time.

Don't get me wrong everyone he is a kind and loving husband I think he is just feeling a bit lost.

OP posts:
qumquat · 27/03/2015 09:06

11 week old babies are exhausting and boring and it feels like the daily grind will never end. So he misses time as a couple, well I imagine you do too. He says he hates looking after a baby all the time, it seems to me he barely looks after the baby at all. Agree with others he should step up and do more childcare if he is jealous of your bond. Bonds don't appear by magic they come from doing the endless tasks of parenthood. I didn't start enjoying dd until she was at least 6 months. Tiny babies are tough but that's no excuse to be jealous of the poor little mites.