12 weeks in and it's not getting easier...

[Cosmomouse]

Our DS was born on Christmas Eve last year, and is coming up to 13 weeks.

He has always been a 'high maintenance' baby, as described by one of the baby doctors at hospital as he had to stay in for a while after he was born due to low blood sugars (I am a type 1 diabetic).

He is not really a very happy baby. He rarely smiles, and when awake is constantly making that awful whiny noise that usually precedes a crying fit.

He is fine physically, has been checked for reflux, allergies, etc and he drinks his milk fine and with gusto.

However, he is still like a newborn in that he cannot be put down. Ever. Not for a minute, even if he is asleep. The only time he is not crying is when he is being held and sang to, which just about wards off the tears. Or when he is being fed of course!

So my days are spent having to hold him and sing to him, I'm not allowed the TV on as that will set him of crying, so I sit in silence (apart from my singing) with him. I get a couple of breaks to go to the loo but when I return he will be in a state and it takes forever to comfort him again. I don't get to eat lunch or have a shower as it's just not worth the upset.

I took my dog to his lesson for a couple of hours last night whilst DP looked after him, and was almost in tears when I returned as DS had not stopped screaming all the time I was out. He stopped when I sat with him and sang to him (which DP had also tried).

He cries in a sling, he cries in the car, he cries in his gym, anywhere where he is not physically being held by me, DP or his granny. He only sleeps a 90 minute cycle at night before he starts screaming, so me and DP have to take turns holding him through the night.

We expected this when he was really tiny, but kept being told it would get better at 12 weeks. He is nearly 13 weeks and if anything he is getting worse. We are both exhausted and totally at the end of our tether with him. We have never raised out voice to him yet but I am scared it is only a matter of time before I say something mean to him and regret it, as he is only tiny and it isn't his fault.

It isn't going to be like this forever... Is it? Has anyone been in a similar position? Thanks

Hi I've been in a similar situation but not as bad as yours.

for you it sounds extremely difficult.

Are you sure he's not got silent reflux? My dd has and takes omeprazole. She's also got cows milk protein intolerance. As I'm bf, if I eat any dairy she screams for hours and won't settle.

It definitely sounds like something is bothering your ds. Is he formula fed? Just wondering whether he may be intolerant and require a special baby milk.

Thanks for your reply baby! He is formula fed and we have ruled out any type of intolerance or reflux with the doctors.

It seems like he is insecure when not being held I guess, I'm wondering whether he's a bit sensitive from his time spent in neonatal although it doesn't seem likely...

My DD cried a lot but not as much as your DS. I've known other people say their babies practically cried for the first six months. But you could try speaking to the Health Visitor to get reassurance that nothing is wrong.

How long was he in neonatal ? Did he have lots of tests and handling while he was there?
Dd2 was in hospital for a while and was awful for weeks afterwards (and before too tbh but I really think she was reacting to being manhandled a lot in hospital while in pain). At 12 weeks she was only a tiny bit easier and it was still a grind. At 4 months she was a LOT easier and she's now nearly 5 months and really much easier again. She does have reflux but it doesn't seem to really bother her now.

Would you check.again about silent reflux - that can be overlooked. Also try him with a dummy and keep trying, you might get a bit of peace and it doesn't have to he forever.

It will get better I promise.

Put on the telly though, or the radio or the extraction fan for white noise. He'll get used to it.

Sorry just keep thinking of things because I so feel for you and have been there:

Swaddle as much as possible and try a Sleepyhead for him to sleep in while swaddled. Expensive but worth it.

Burp him twice as long as you think you should.

Loads of white noise.

Also look in to cranial osteopathy. Did he have a difficult birth?

Yes to the osteopath and also play a nursery rhyme cd to him?

It's all temporary. You will get through it.

Have you considered buying him one of those baby swings that rocks/vibrates and plays tunes

My 3rd baby was like this for about 13 months! Funnily, I don't remember her as a miserable baby (she's 7 now). All (5) of my babies have been high needs, but my 3rd was the worst. I held her constantly. She wouldn't tolerate a baby swing or cot or bouncer. She did like it in a sling though, so at least I had my hands free!

She was held all day, except for nappy changes. She slept on my chest during the day and on my boob overnight. She breast fed every 90 minutes for the first 9 months. She used it as a comforter. I was told by everyone to just let her cry, but I just couldn't do it.

I don't know when it got better really. But it did. She is a happy, laid back, funny little girl now.

Ds1 was like that. It gets better, once they start rolling and moving. 6 months maybe??
Ds2 was is a dream baby! (So don't let it put you off having another)

Get out the house, baby groups. Nice coffees. Summer is coming!

Ds1 is a laid back toddler now. Difficult babies don't necessarily make difficult children

Get the happiest baby on the block DVD, it could save your sanity. Big hugs for you the newborn bit is sooo hard and my DS was a pain in the bum until he was about 8 months. Have you tried following a routine like Gina or Easy, not very mumsnetty but it sounds like you are willing to try anything.

And agree with above, my DS was a high needs baby and is a chilled out toddler, so it will absolutely get better.

Just want to say how much I feel for you. I remember walking the streets with DS in a sling screaming (him, not me - just!) with me trying to get him to calm down. Try a few different slings - there was only one that worried for us but it really worked. You need some rest; is hiring a nurse for a few hours an option just to get your head together or get some sleep? A friend of mind did that. Sorry if that is a hopeless suggestion x

I think there is a book by Sears on high needs babies. Watch TV with the sound off and subtitles on.

My DS was similar except for that he would go in a sling and eventually stop crying, even that took a lot if practice though. He also was only happy when I was standing and moving, I was knackered! I posted on here as I was at my wits end, I kept hearing all the 'it gets better at 6 weeks' (it didn't) and 'it gets easier at 3 months' (it didn't) and I was questioning what I was doing wrong. And, even worse, comparing to other mums and babies (who all seemed perfect)

The fact was, he was just a Velcro baby and that was that. It didn't help that I had terrible anxiety and pnd, which I am sure he picked up on.

Anyway, at about 4 months, we turned a corner and now at six months he is (mainly) a joy. Don't get me wrong, he will never be one of those babies you can just leave in a bouncy chair while you clean the whole house (or are those mums just lying?) BUT he can be left happily for long enough to get some stuff done, including eating!

The best advice I had was to look after myself and take full advantage of any help on offer. You need to eat, now, its all very well people telling you you need to eat but sometimes actually doing it is high on impossible! But even if it means you or your partner making batches of sandwiches that you can just pick up one handed, or cereal bars, or basically anything you can manage with one hand while baby wrangling, it will help.

You need to get out on your own occasionally. I totally understand coming home and finding a screaming baby and stressed partner/granny, it is horrible. I persevered (when I felt strong enough) and just did little ten minute runs to the shop and built up from there as everyone involved needed to build confidence. It worked, it was bloody hard getting there but so worth it now.

You will get there and this too shall pass. Ignore the buggers who tell you when things should get better/easier, all babies are different. You will learn ways to make things easier.

In the meantime, big hugs and and

With a very needy baby you won't have time or a free hand to read any books. Best thing you can do is purchase a baby swing possibly one with soothing sounds.the rocking movements will calm him down a bit. You can't leave him in the swing all day but at least it will give you enough free time to have a cup of tea or do the dishes. You could also leave him with something that has your scent. Once he starts touching things and exploring the area around him he will calm down a bit. It's a phase and it does pass.

It does sound a bit like my experience with silent reflux. Which Dr's are notoriously a bit rubbish at picking up on - I was fobbed off repeatedly. Have a Google of the symptoms and see if it sounds familiar. My little one improved immediately with ranitidine which she's now off and is a happy chilled one year old.

Google "duracell bunny babies".

And invest in a decent sling - do you have one? Not a baby bjorn (those are okay but will be getting uncomfortable around now). I don't think that the insecurity around neonatal is a bad theory, TBF.

Doctors often miss silent reflux, especially GPs, I wouldn't rule it out. Is your baby worse when lying down? What does your gut instinct tell you, is something bothering him?

Sounds pretty normal to me. I’m not sure what “needy” means as I think your description really applies to all babies. Our DD was generally a happy baby but only when being held or in pushchair/carrier being marched around places. She seemed to have reflux/indigestion and would not settle at all (never once slept in her Moses basket, not even in day time) for first three weeks, just not at all, so slept on top of me, in our bed (for a whole 30-45 minutes at a time before taking a full 2 hours to feed). 12 weeks isn’t a magic cure though, it‘s just that at that age they may start to become interested in other things (not just you/milk) so hopefully can get distracted enough to enjoy some scenery/lights/toys etc. We did a lot of walking with front carrier and later back carrier as well as with the pushchair. DD “fed”/suckled about every 45 minutes 24/7 for first 3 weeks which made doing anythg at all virtually impossible. Even after that she was still feeding every 45 minutes or more frequently in the daytime till about 3 months. Yes, it does get better but it won’t happen overnight - it's a gradual process!

Try distracting your baby with bright, or noisy/musical toys, (use a toy library if there is one near you) and with baby books, lights (ours loved flashing muilti-coloured fairy lights) and music and go for lots of walks out and about. Visual distractions at home worked a bit for us but even so I’d only get 5 minutes "off", 3-4 times a day! I didn’t read anything or watch TV (still don't actually) and housework/ironing etc was done in 4-5 minute chunks 3-4 times a day, every day. There was no house cleaning day as previously, as you simply don't get a large chuck of time to do anything when you have a young baby. Was lucky that my Dad made about 40 portions of meals for the freezer so I cooked very little in the first month, but after that cooking had to be done in batches for freezer whenever I got chance, as I couldn’t guarantee that either of us would have time to stand cooking anything at mealtimes – unless it was done with child strapped on in the front carrier, which was quite awkward. I tried washing up and even going to toilet with it on, but again, though just about possible it was very difficult to do, whilst wearing a large 3 month old infant!! In order to eat meals, we had to put our DD in an upright (she didn’t like lying down much) baby swing with flashing lights, on the table top right in front of us so she could see both of us whilst we ate - this was the ONLY way I could eat my tea! This really is normal. It will get better, but it isn’t an overnight change at 12 weeks.

Ah I also remember night time patrols.. DH marching round house for an hour or so carrying DD and singing to her, whilst i tried to sleep, then me taking over whilst he tried to sleep .. yes it went on for at least three months or so. It varied, you'd get one pattern emerging and think "This isnt too bad" and then it would change again, Getting her to sleep in the first place became an issue as she'd feed to sleep but then wake up the moment I put her down. Initially setting the body clock to recognise day and night (by going out in the daylight and having low or no light at night) and then feeding well in the day time so they are full at night helps, but after that, perhaps it is when they start to have memory and can remember that you were still there when they woke up the last time, so they start sleeping for longer and giving you a bit more time off.. It will pass.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply! I think I might make another appointment and mention silent reflux, that sounds horrible if he has it, poor thing.

Feeling a bit fresher today and remembering it won't be forever, and he is so totally worth it!

I am going to preservere with the carrier, we have an ergo which he seems to sit comfortably in and is upright which I guess is best if he has reflux!

:-)