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Original poster

5YO suddenlt struggling with transitions / saying goodbye

14 replies

OohMrDarcy · 23/03/2015 13:49

DH and I split (divorce in progress) in september, best to get that out there now as I feel its linked!
Initially DS was perfectly fine with it - a little upset on the day we told them but DD (8) struggled massively, but DS was still very much a mummies boy and was just happy to get more of my attention initially tbh.

Christmas and both DC's birthdays is all within about 7 weeks - and those 3 occasions we were 'together' for 1-2 hrs for the kids, mostly DD who was still struggling - by together I just mean he came over christmas morning to see them open presents, and ate all together (out) on kids birthdays. This reassured DD who has since completely settled, but seems to have unsettled DS - ever since then he's been up and down emotionally (a month ish since DDs birthday)
Struggles more at school when its time for me to go - so perfectly fine in the morning / getting ready / going in ... its at the point of me leaving (even after kiss / cuddle) just just appears gripping my hand saying 'I don't want you to go'.... poor kid looks like he's struggling not to cry too.
Similar at home - so when EXH-to-be turns up to collect, he doesn't want to go

Its very much a case of when I'm with daddy, I miss you, and when I'm with you I miss daddy as well

Has anyone got experience with this? Obviously I've acknowledged how he's feeling and reassured where possible. At school I always do the bright and breezy - have a lovely day and mummy will see you tonight the same as I have since he started (he's in reception if relevant)

I've talked to the teacher and asked about ESLA or whatever they're called - DD saw one last term who helped her massively, but apparently they don't really get involved in reception as its a 'settling in' year?!

She did do some work with him on friday - not sure on the detail, but hasn't seemed to help yet.
For the last week or so I've had to hand over to a teacher to distract him before he gets upset...

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Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 24/03/2015 09:16

Can anyone give advice?

I tried a new tactic today - we found two dinosaurs (his fav thing in the world) I have kept one and he has kept the other, both in pockets - with the idea that if he was missing me he could hold it and 'feel my love'

He liked the idea of it all morning, and whilst sorting his stuff had his hand in his pocket holding it - but at the point of going (he had said bye and was mid chat with a friend) came sprinting over and limpet like grabbed my hand.... was actually worse today as the teacher was distracting him happily after and he pulled away from her to chase me - was awful as I could hear his tears

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Metalhead · 24/03/2015 15:02

Didn't want to read and run, although I'm not sure I've got any useful advice to offer. I think sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in at this age, hence maybe why he seemed fine at first and is now more unsettled? I guess you'll just have to be consistent and keep reassuring him, if he's only just started reception it's been a lot of change for him over the last 6 months.

Sorry I can't be any more help, hopefully someone with experience of this will come along soon. If it's any consolation, my DD suddenly started getting a renewed bout of separation anxiety around 4.5 - she now cries every time her grandparents leave after visiting, or on the rare occasions when DH and I go out for an evening; we've even had an incident where I just went to the office for a day instead of working from home resulting in tears!

Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 24/03/2015 16:03

Thanks Metalhead

He's never had separation anxiety before which makes this feel strange, always been fine to do things really...

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CaptainFabulous · 24/03/2015 16:13

Sorry I don't have any advice, but bumping for you.

Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 24/03/2015 16:21

thanks Captain :)

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Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 24/03/2015 20:23

bumping for the evening crowd

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Chocolategirl7 · 24/03/2015 20:29

I'm going through this with my 6 yr old DD although no parental relationship problems to blame!

It's very waring and she gets so upset ( often claiming to be sick / headache / sore ear). I have no idea how to handle it. At school a sticker chart has helped with going in in the mornings (self administered but overseen by teacher) but at home - when I go out - it's a nightmare! Confused

Triestine · 24/03/2015 20:38

Yes this will be related to the divorce. My two are going through it. My eldest one more clingy at home, my youngest more clingy on drop offs. Not sure what to advise but things will settle down I think. Are there a lot of handovers/transitions in the week. Mine are often difficult after a handover but when they've had a few days in a row with me, they settle down.

I think they know one parent has gone/left the family home and they try to hold on to the other. It undermines there security. Their world has changed. The important thing they say is not to argue or undermine your partner in front of them or criticise him to them. They need to know they can absolutely trust both parents. And make sure you keep familiar routines going and healthy boundaries.
I'm sure things will improve. It's getting to end of term and they are getting tired too which is exarcerbating the emotions.

Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 24/03/2015 20:50

Thanks both,

not huge amounts of handovers really - it happens daily at school, whether dropping off in class or breakfast club, exh picks up from school on mon/ tues and brings back before bed, ds does the same then. And then eow, where we get the same.

I've never said anything negative in front of the DC regarding daddy.

Will keep plodding on and hope it eases soon, talked to ds about it at bedtime, he got upset and just said he wanted to stay with me all the time Sad bless him

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Triestine · 24/03/2015 20:57

I'm not saying you have said anything negative just saying- everyone advises keeping a united front even if things are tense between the two of you at times. You are obviously doing all this though...

Yes my DD said she wanted to live with me and her sister could live with Daddy.

I'm sure things will improve but do get the school on board

Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 25/03/2015 09:13

sorry, didn't meant that you thought that - just thinking out loud and clarifying! :)

Another bad morning - might get an appt with teacher to talk away from little ears

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Iggly · 25/03/2015 12:27

Some of it will be tiredness from school as well. My ds is 5, started this year and he is absolutely exhausted - get teary and tired at the drop of a hat. Also clingy if anyone other than me drops him off.
Is he happy at school?

Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 25/03/2015 14:01

He loves school and has a great time, he may be tired - but he's certainly not exhausted - its not that kind of teary if that makes sense, its panic at me going.. I can see it in his eyes - which were bright and excited moments before, there is suddenly fear there

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Original poster
OohMrDarcy · 26/03/2015 10:05

Its getting worse Sad

He seems to have had a bad dream last night based around Daddy moving away and not telling him, lots of tears / tantrums this morning.
We had a big talk - and it was like explaining what was happening again for the first time .... gave teacher a heads up about this morning at drop off

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