Play date / toddler group etiquette

[Babytalkobsession]

Hi,

I'm absolutely not worried about my DS's behaviour. Everything he does is just learning. But I have no idea how I'm supposed to react!

He's 16 months and has just started to snatch the odd toy, be a bit forceful with others and occasionally scratch / hit (I usually bare the brunt of this!)

I get it but not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm not really a hoverer, I like him to get on with what he's doing and have space to be independent. If I see behaviours like this I pick him up and explain it's not nice to hit, push etc. but what about snatching toys? Should I give them back to the other child? Or just let them work it out?

I've been tutted at at toddler group for DS clambering to get to the slide over another toddler - to me this is ridiculous. He's not being naughty or rough.

What do you expect of other parents? I should add, although I'm reasonably laid back, being a parent has made me very anxious about 'doing the right thing'. Wish someone would just give me some instructions

If my child snatched a toy, I would give it back to the other child and tell my child that we don't snatch. Then I would distract with a different toy and/or move him away.

If my child was clambering over another child as you've described I would pick him up and say that he needs to wait. Then I would stay there and enforce that by repeating as necessary. By doing that you're teaching your child to take their turn and play nicely, and to be careful of other people.

It's ok not to hover around behind your child, but you still need to be prepared to jump in if this sort of thing happens.

I think if you're picking up on the hitting etc then that's good and the main issue when children are all together.

Although to be honest I would have said something to my ds if he clambered on another child to get to something!!! nothing major but just a reminder about being careful/waiting your turn.

If my ds takes something from another child then I return it to the original child. And if the roles were reversed I would expect the other parent to return the object to my ds - although if in all fairness ds had hogged it for a while already then I might let the other child have it and explain to ds that we need to share.

My ds is the same age as yours so not sure how much of this goes in but it's as much for me to get in the habit of teaching him manners as anything else.

You have to teach them turn taking on equipment and not grabbing things - you can't just let him climb over other children to get in front of them. He isn't being naughty at 16 months old, but if you don't gently prevent those behaviours succeeding he will continue with them, and be the 2 or 3 year old the others steer clear of, and you won't be invited anywhere to play...

I'm not a hoverer either but you can't tolerate pushing in or violence - you just react age appropriately to discourage those behaviours (if he climbs over children to get his go first you move him to the back, if he hits you apologise on his behalf and move him away, telling him we dint hit, if he snatches a toy from another child you return it, tell him not to grab, and distract him with another toy.

Avoiding helicopter parenting doesn't mean avoiding parenting altogether.

My son is 18 months and I really watch him at playgroups because he too is learning not to snatch, not to hit etc.

So I get straight down to him, he is told not to hit, the toy is given back and if he continues he is taken to the side for a few minute to distract him.

I don't exactly hover, he is allowed freedom to do as he wishes but I am always watching him and there to intervene.

I am trying to let my dd (14 months) to be as independent as possible too. When she has snatched toys or others have snatched from her, I tend not to get involved. I believe that for her to learn how her actions affect others she needs to experience it herself and I would like her to do things from her own motivation, rather than purely from adult intervention. If she or others were at risk of being hurt I would probably intervene more because she obviously doesn't have the cognition to fully understand that what she is doing will cause pain and I wouldn't want anyone to be hurt. Fortunately a lot of groups we go to have the same people there and we have discussed leaving them to figure things out so i know we are on the same page. I am fully aware that other parents may disagree, but there are many ways to parent and not all of them have to be the same.

I am currently reading the toddler calm book and this seems to resonate with my beliefs. Also letting go as children grow by Deborah Jackson seems to make sense to me too. I will be watching this thread for more tips.

Oh and I also would have told my son and pulled him away if he was climbing over another child, that could hurt another toddler and they need to learn to take their time.

To be honest am not surprised if you was tutted at, I would be put off my mother sitting back letting her toddler climb over my toddler as well.

I've been reading the toddler calm book too, and it makes a lot of sense to me as well. I'm not sure I would interpret it as meaning that you should let very small (probably non verbal) toddlers work things out for themselves wrt snatching, pushing, climbing over etc. At that age they won't really understand about other children being a person like themselves, and they won't be able to have empathy for them for a long while yet. All that will happen is that the strongest, most confident baby will dominate the others which is not what I would want my child to learn.

My ds is 15 months and is a whirlwind at toddler groups, lots of grabbing of toys, kissing other children, knocking other kids/stuff over. If another child is clearly getting upset by what he's doing of course I step in and distract or move him away. He won't learn otherwise. I don't think of it as being naughty though, he's far too young to "be naughty" in that way, but i do want him to learn to be polite and take turns etc and it has to start somewhere.

CultureSucksDownWords I think you are possibly right about the toddler calm book, I am just about half way through so I will get to the bit about how to deal with things soon. I was hoping that if things are snatched from her she will learn how that feels and eventually will not want to make others feel that way by snatching from them. As she can't understand everything I say, would it not just seem to her that she has snatched a toy and then I snatch it back from her to give back to the other child? I am not sure what the solution is yet.

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'll give Toddler Calm a read. Sorry, I wasn't very clear in my post - he wasn't clambering over the other child, I meant he rushed around back to the ladder, clambering over the soft play stuff to get to the steps before another child. He didn't physically push, shove or clamber over her at all. For that, I'd definitely have intervened. I get that it's still turn taking but didn't think it was that big of a deal at 16 months.

I'm a bit out of practice since being back at work. He's in nursery 4 days a week and groups we go to now tend to be different mums each week so no RL regulars to get a steer from. So thank you.

The "rushing round" to have another go thing depends very much on the precise circumstances, so it's hard to say. If the other child had clearly been waiting for a while then I would have intervened. If they were both going for a turn at the same time, and one got there before the other I would have been ok with letting that go. Although I might have made sure that the other child had a go next so my child didn't hog the equipment.

They aren't being naughty at this age, as they don't have any empathy for others. However, you need to model the behaviour for your 15 month old that you want to see when he is 3. Children don't just suddenly wake up one day with an understanding of social rules like sharing and taking turns, they learn it over time by seeing it in action.

A 15 mo snatches toys, their carer gently takes it away and returns it saying "we don't snatch, we share with other children. I'm sure x will let you have a turn in two minutes". They don't really care.

A two year old then asks to have a turn instead of snatching, although still gets annoyed if it isn't handed over immediately!

A four year then goes to school able to take part in playground games taking turns and sharing without too much supervision.

Encouraging your 15mo to be a bit careful of others is as much about making sure he doesn't get hurt by other child as it is laying groundwork for when he is bigger and older. If your 15mo tried to push my teeny 2 yo off the slide he would get a well placed shove to the chest in self defence and would probably go flying.

Obviously I would then tell her off but to be honest I would blame you for not supervising your child. I'm guessing you would be a bit laissez-faire if it was your child always getting trampled on or kicked in the face.

As others have said, from going to a lot of playgroups I have seen the toddlers with mothers who "let them work things out for themselves" grow up into the hitting, pushing, snatching 3 years to the 5 year olds that are never invited to parties because they are violent and unpleasant to be around and the other children don't like them. So I now (perhaps unfairly) avoid them pre-emptively.

I wouldn't say I'm laissez fair Pourquoi. If I was I wouldn't be asking for advice. I'm just a first time mum who's not sure what to do always. I don't have an 'approach' really. Good for you for being so sure of yourself.

I do tell him not to snatch. I do tell him to take turns and distract him. I praise him when he's gentle (which is most of the time!) but sometimes it's not always straightforward and I feel a little like I'm not great at this parenting thing. Just not a natural at it!

Babytalkobsession perhaps I am wrong about the snatching, maybe I should be asking for the toy back from my dd if she has snatched it and giving it back to the other child. I think I wouldn't force her to share a toy that she was playing with though that is slightly different. There is one dc I do feel so sorry for, his carer takes him to groups and he is always snatching, hitting, pushing in etc. But she spends the whole time chatting to others and only ever interacts with him when he has done one of the above. I at least try to sit with my dd for some of the time so that if she does get in the way of older ones playing trains for example I can direct her to move or show her how to play next to them. I don't think your ds seems to have done anything wrong and obviously everything is new and a learning experience for them so it will take time before he understands how to take turns etc. I am glad you started this thread it helps to see things from others viewpoints.

I don't think you're laissez-faire at all - I wish there more people at our local soft play who were thinking it through and asking for advice like you I'd intervene if my dd was being too boisterous. I was at a local soft play recently when a 3yo picked up balls in the soft play and repeatedly through them at my 15mo head until I took them off her and told her to be kind. Her dad wasn't looking or nearby. I guess in that example I would have wanted him to have one eye on her and to be the one to speak to her about being kind, not me. It sounds like that's exactly what you ARE doing, so I'd just continue. I agree little ones need freedom but they need boundaries too, as I know others have already said. I find all this very hard too - I hate the tutting too

It's funny, I have never noticed any tutting at the playgroups I have been at. At that age they will snatch, push, hit etc. My son is awful for it! His older cousins (8,7) play fight and so now my son thinks he is playing and making friends if he pushes someone generally I get there before he does it and take him away or he is told not to do that if does push and then I apologise to the parent and everyone has been positive. I guess most have been there.

The only time I think I got annoyed with a mother is when her 4 year old came and deliberately knocked something onto my one year old and then laughed while he cried. The child fine, but I couldn't help be annoyed by his mother sitting drinking tea without even looking up to see what her son was up to.