Do I get back with my ex for the children?

[Mochachill]

Hi everyone,
Hoping this is in the right place but I'm desperate for some advice, my head is exploding at the moment.

I have four dc and my dh and I separated about six months ago, due to having drifted apart and not communicating. Not long after this I met someone else and I got into a new relationship for a bit of fun really, particularly as my dh was the only person I'd ever been with. This new relationship developed quickly and we are very serious but I'm scared at how fast it's developed. My dh has been a bit of an arse really in many ways, for example, months later I'm still waiting for child maintenance to be put in place.

There is still a spark for him but I'm not sure if it's simply due to our shared history. Anyway, my main thoughts currently are to do with my dc. I HATE them going to his and being away from me overnight. I thought I'd adjust but I'm not. They struggle with it too, especially my oldest. I hate us not hanging out together all the time and I miss the family unit. I miss two people being together whose primary focus in the whole world are those dc.

My new partner is great with the kids but they are not their top priority, I am. Which is obviously nice, but to me it's my dc who are first and same with their dad.

So I'm wondering do I get back with my dh for the sake of the family unit and the dc? I do love my new partner but I don't know if it's enough.

Any advice would be so much appreciated.

No. Just dont get back with your ex for your dc sake. He is your ex for a reason. It is better your your dc to have happy parents and two healtly homes than angry parents under one toxic roof.

It doesn't sound like your dc are your dh's top priority if he isn't contributing financially towards their upbringing.

He is financially contributing, he just hasn't got a permanent amount that he pays. He just puts a lump sum in my account.

I know it all sounds cliche but I know he's changed - he didn't spend much time with the cd when we were together but now they are his world. That I suppose is the attraction.

Can those reasons you give for having split in the first place be fixed? From what little you've said, it doesn't sound irretrievable, and so I might perhaps look into whether there's a way back for you both. Marriage is hard, of course (just clocking up 20 years here!), and there are times when you realise you've drifted a bit, and need to focus on paddling back to each other, as long as there's no abuse or absolutely unforgivable behaviour on either side.
Hard to tell from your OP if that was the case.

They probably can be fixed. He refused counselling initially which didn't help in our downward spiral but I know he's open to it now. There was no abuse or unforgivable behaviour, we drifted apart and I realised I didn't like a lot of things he was and wasn't doing. Like shouting at the kids, didn't really talk to me, wasn't "in" the marriage etc etc. just lots and lots of smallish issues.

I think if we reconciled, I'd not be as happy internally as I am with my new partner, but I feel that having the family unit whole may be best for the kids. It also benefits me by not having to hand them all over two nights per week and would also mean I could pursue my own career, which was the intention when the dc were all school aged.

I just feel a right mess at the moment. No clear idea of the way forward and trying to balance what's best for everyone.

Does your ex want to get back together?

As someone who's dh left and then I got involved with another man far too quickly I think the best thing you can do is be on your own for a while. People said that to me at the time and I didn't listen but honestly it was the right advice.

You've only been split up 6 months, you've been with this new guy 4 months and he's involved with your kids already? No wonder your head is all over the place.

I'm 11 years on from my split and the second guy I ended up with I ended up marrying and we then got divorced 6 years ago. It was all a bit of a mess. I then spent time on my own and that's what I needed all along really. I needed to think about myself as a person and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I went on to remarry again in time and am now very settled.

If your ex dh won't even pay maintenance that says a lot to be honest. I wouldn't waste time wanting him back. You want the perfect family back but he isn't the perfect man.

It's hard being without the kids but you need to find things to do to keep yourself busy - an evening job, a hobby, even decorate if you can afford it. You need a project.

It will get easier in time but you need time alone to reassess and regroup as a person.

I second that - please step away from the new bloke, tell him you need some space, it's too soon, whatever - it isn't fair to embark on a relationship with the old one hanging over you both in the background.

He will still be there later on if you decide he's what you need.

You're trying to decorate a room without taking off the old wallpaper or filling in any holes. It's never going to look right like this.

What are you teaching your children, to stick with something that makes you unhappy because it's easier?

If you can be reconciled, and both of you are prepared to be respectful and adult and honest, then yes it can be done.
I have seen relationships become stronger and better for some hard work.
Lots of forgiveness and compromise.
If there's still a spark, there is hope.
Good luck. Counselling will be invaluable for you both.
But you need to be on your own for a while to work out what makes you happy. And it's never another person.

Being 36 and having had my parents Split up when I was 34 my advice would be to only reconcile with your oh if your relationship with him is vastly improved as a result. Don't settle as a few years down the line you will lose yourself & resent him.

My parents stayed together for my brother & I and did a vast amount of covering up, especially in the last 10 years. Now they can't be in the same room as each other and are frequently rude about each other, which has much more of a negative impact than if they'd gone their separate ways when we were younger.

Yes my dh wants to reconcile. He's realised that the kids and family are the most important things. Though I do know he's far from perfect. No one is though.

I do agree I needed time alone. I said that from the start. But I met this new partner we got on and had a laugh and things got tough with my split and he was there for me. I have no family, only a useless dad and the two friends I have nearby work full time and have families, so he was there for me. Fully supporting me when I'd be crying late at night and basically just being there whenever I needed it. Still is.

I don't know how on earth I'd end this relationship tbh.

He's realised that the kids and family are the most important things.

My bet is he has realised this because he doesn't have it any more. It's easy to miss something when it's not there. Once he has the family back together I imagine he will settle into it and start taking you all for granted again.

It would be so damaging for the DCs to try again, only to have it fail again. Raising their hopes only to crush them a second time.

I agree that you should take some time to yourself, step back from your current partner and assess what YOU want, not what is best for everyone else. Your DCs need you to be happy and strong, settling for second rate because you think it will be better for them will be soul destroying.

I think you should end the new relationship you can't love him if your thinking about your ex. Then go to counselling with your ex before deciding to get back together again. As much as it's for the dc it needs to be for yourself too. Me and my dh split a few years ago we were both not giving 100% to the relationship and drifted apart. The split made us realise what we meant to each other and we'd both neglected our relationship . This was 10 years ago were still together and very much in love, we went through an awful time bit looking back it was the best thing that could've happened to us in the long run. Hope it works out for you but don't rush anything take as much time as you need it'll be worth it in the long run

I did just that - returned/stayed for the kids, and I can tell you it is absolutely soul crushing and doomed to resentful failure.

"I did just that - returned/stayed for the kids, and I can tell you it is absolutely soul crushing and doomed to resentful failure."

You mean, it was for you. That doesn't mean it will be for the OP.

No, Clam, anyone who is in a relationship just for the children is going to be unhappy. Staying for the children turns you into a whore - you are in their bed, in their life, sharing finances not for love, but for some ill advised non-existent benefit to the children.

Not necessarily. It is certainly easier to walk away during a rough patch if there aren't any children involved. If there are, they might be what keeps you together, albeit not in a hunky-dory state of true bliss, but it can nonetheless carry you through and you then "find" each other again later.

"Staying for the children turns you into a whore" Harsh and not true.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to contribute. I need to digest and think on everyone's advice, but believe me it all helps to get a different perspective. Cheers!

My new partner is great with the kids but they are not their top priority, I am. Which is obviously nice, but to me it's my dc who are first and same with their dad.

Why on earth would your new partner put your kids first? It's not your kids he's in love with, is it? YABU if you expect him to put your kids first above you.

Op to be perfectly honest. It is to rely a few utterly daft that you have posted this question. We can't possibly know the details behind your marriage breakdown, the extent of your feelings for the new man, what these people are really like.

The fact that you are even asking says a lot about how overwhelmed you are with this situation. Don't ask complete strangers but this is one where really only you can decide.

If you are seriously considering getting back with ex, then it's pretty clear that there isn't much of a future with new partner.

It's quite common to discover the grass is no greener. But it's also really important not to go back to a marriage you chose to end just because things aren't going quite as you hoped in the months after break up. Chances are, what was wrong with your marriage is still wrong.

It's risky to hop from relationship to relationship back to relationship. Would some time to yourself help you think this through?

Whatever the history is, You have shared the love for each other all through the years. It is hard in the first place because you have kids. They are growing with separated parents and that is so hard emotionally.

how are things going op? I came across this post as I’m in same exact situation