How to socialise DD when I am socially anxious? (bit of an epic)

[catlady1]

I'm feeling like a terrible mother right now so please be gentle!

My DD is two. I have taken her to one baby group in her life, when she was 11 weeks old. She cried pretty much the whole time and eventually I walked out in tears myself. I had PND (probably still do) but I've never been good in group situations anyway.

However, my unsociable-ness was a source of great misery for me growing up. I don't really know what caused it but my mother also suffered PND. Throughout most of school I had no real friends. I even remember wandering around nursery trying to talk to other kids and not really knowing what to do with myself. By junior school I had given up and just sat in the corner of the playground and read through break and lunchtime. At secondary school I would eat in the toilets or go home for lunch until I somehow found a group of friends, and then the same again at college. It's part of the reason I didn't go to university. I now avoid group situations with people I don't know well, even such as family events.

I would hate for DD to grow up like this. Her dad's partner has a child of a similar age and DD is around her when she is at her dad's, and I take her to the park and the library where she will interact with other kids. I work part-time but luckily for me my family and her dad provide childcare, however obviously this is probably not best for DD (I wouldnt be able to afford nursery fees).

I'm worrying because her dad threw DD a birthday party at a play centre with some of his friends' children and his girlfriend's DD's friends. I spoke to someone who was there (I was working) and she told me my DD was mostly playing on her own and wandering around while the other kids played together. I know this may not be particularly worrying as my daughter was one of the youngest there and children don't start to play together properly until a bit older, but it made me cry and now I feel awful. Have I damaged my DD? Do I need to take her to playgroups? She isn't particularly shy, she has a lot of (adult) family and she does interact with other children at the park and library etc, she doesnt hit or bite or snatch toys or anything! Do I need to worry?

I don't think you need to worry. As long as she is getting the opportunity to socialise, which it sounds like she is, then I'm sure she will be fine. As you say, she is a bit young yet anyway for actually playing properly with other children. She will get plenty of chance to socialise at preschool, and then school as she gets older.

My experience has certainly been that children don't necessarily take after their parents with this kind of thing. I am fairly shy, but DS has been full of confidence since he was small. I have no idea where it comes from, certainly not from me!

She is 2, they don't really play with others until a bit older. And some won't want to anyway. Have another go at going to a playgroup. In my experience not every week at the same group is the same and you have some simple openers with things like "how old is your little one?"

To reassure you though schools are much better at talking about emotions and friendships and things like that than they were when I was at school. I'm not saying every child finds it easy but they do make more an effort with this.

I'm not great in group situations, I seem to be unable to actually start conversations, so unless someone speaks to me I usually don't talk to people. I have always taken my dd to groups though and although I still end up on my own a bit, my dd knows the other children and I can usually have a short convo with one of the mums. What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to be miss chattering, you can go and just enjoy watching the children play.
My main reason for making myself go us that we live in a village, the children at playgroup are the children she will go to school with, so I wanted her to get to know them.

rather than a big noisy toddler group, why don't you find out if there are any nct coffee mornings happening in your area? usually in someones house, small group of women and children so not too intimidating?

i think it's important to try and get out and about with your child-either to toddler groups or music classes or something-as much for your benefit as for hers.

when she is three i would make sure that i took advantage of the free hours of nursery too.

i found it very hard to make friends at primary school and remember it being a time of great loneliness. It's hard isn't it?

I don't do groups either. Are you eligible for childcare from 2? Otherwise start looking for a good preschool for her at 3. Tbh I think it's down to personality. My brother is very social and I'm not. Same parents.

i don't think your personality type necessarily influences that of your children

DH, DD1 and I are all introverts. DD2 on the other hand talks loudly to everyone, about everything, all the time, like a little four year old Alan Carr.

Well you could try an organised group which focuses on specific activities. I found these easier to speak to other Mums at eg music session, or arty sessions. You are involved with helping your child so not so difficult for you perhaps.

I don't think you can massively influence a childs basic personality though...my elder DS(10) is quite introverted (like me) has always been is happy by himself, althiugh enjoys the company of others - but not to trhe extent that he seeks them out.

DS2 (4) is an extrovert like his father. He is always in a group of children, wants to go and play at their houses....doesn't like to be by himself much......

That's just how they are!