trying to forgive myself

[MilkshakeMonkey]

Ok, warning this will be long!
I need to get this stuff off my chest and can't talk about it in RL. Don't feel you need to comment, I just need to say my piece.

My DS, 5, is a very angry little boy, who is very defiant. He regularly 'loses it' and becomes violent, hitting, kicking and biting. He shouts too.

Currently working with the school to help him (SENCO) and reading lots of parenting books on the subject.

I find a lot of these books speculate on causes and I start to blame myself. I had a period of depression when DS was a year old. I went on anti depressants, had a lot of dips (including self harming). I'm still on antidepressants (although a different one).
I remember one day when DS was about 14 months old and I was crying. He came over to me and I pushed him away. Just writing that now I burst into tears. Is this all my fault?
He was an angel baby until around a year, when he started to change. Is this coincidence or was his change brought on by my depression.
I feel I have let my little boy down so much over the years. I have days when I just don't want to be a parent anymore. It's so hard.
It took us a long time to conceive him, I was so desperate for a baby, and I find myself asking why did I get sent him.

I find myself being envious of other families and how they just seem to work.

I'm not very close to my family and have a few close friends, whom I regularly confine in. However I don't discuss my depression, I feel such shame in it.

Im hoping by writing this down I will start to forgive myself and help DS

From the minute our little ones are born our life becomes riddled with 2 paramount emotions....worry and guilt. We worry about the all the time, theyre not eating enough, theyre eating to much, theyre not sleeping, theyre sleeping too much (ok..maybe not that one) point is you wouldn't be human as a mother if you did not worry or feel guilty.

You're blaming yourself because there is no reasoning as to why your little boy is like this, and so you think it MUST be your fault. It's easy to dwell on things and blow them out of proportion in our heads. I'm almost certain your little boy at 1 doesn't remember that incident, but his memory is much better now and whats happening now, in the present, will be shaping his future. Try not to worry too much about the past and your actions (they are done - you cannot change the past) you are/were suffering with an illness and cannot always be held accountable for your actions in the moment of depression.

I think your main issue may be your battle with depression, you say you are shamed by it, have you consulted a medical proffesional about it? there is alot of help out there now for mental health related issues. You may be embarressed but you need your health to be tip top (both mentally and physically) in order for your little boy to thrive. Bite the bullet and book in at your GP's and request to talk to a councillor.

I read that our brains focus on negative events 5 time more than positive events. In a sense our negative thoughts are like velcro and our positive thoughts are like teflon. It's important to try and re train our brains to focus more on the positives in situations.

The best advice i would have, is to try and live in the moment and focus on the future, don't dwell on the past. He'll be picking up on your emotions from NOW, not from back then (kids are resilient) ....instead of being envious of other families and children take a moment each evening to jot down all the things that you are grateful for. Your boys health, he may be good at a particular subject. You may have a nice home/food on the table...little things to put the bigger picture into perspective.

Main thing, don't suffer alone.Get some help/advice from a professional.

much love x

Part of depression is guilt - this will colour your view! It's cruel illness.

Pushing him aside once won't have changed his personality.

Thank you mypigeonpair2 and squizita

I just wonder if there are other things I have done (I remember that incident, could there have been others)

I am definitely trying to live in the 'what can I do to help today' rather then hold on to the past. But find the guilt shouting at me when I'm reading the books. I'm finding it hard not to take it personally I guess, which apparently as parents we need to not take things personally.

My depression is in a much better place then it has been in a long time. I have not got along with counselling in the past, but maybe I should consider it again. I'm waiting for GP to call me back with some blood results, maybe I will mention it to her.

The writing things down is a good idea mypigeonpair2 in fact DS already does this. He has a 'brilliant book' which the school have set up and at home and at school we record all his 'best bits' in it. Then reflect on it at the end of the day. Maybe I need my own brilliant book!

I have depression and anxiety too. I'm in a good place at the minute luckily.
Something I learnt from counselling is that it's 'normal' to try and imagine you are the worst person in the world because of x. The x varies with what is happenings its your life at the time, or news stories etc. apparently there was an increase in people thinking they were paedophiles when the Jimmy saville (and the rest) hit the news.
So what I'm trying to sa if the biggest thing in your life is your little man, so obviously your depression is trying to convince you that you area hen rots mother in the world. Once I understand that my brain is 'doing' I feel a bit better about it. It is your illness talking
As for books trying to find a cause.. Well they can f@ck right off. Cbt is a good way of looking forward without looking for q cause.

Well done for knowing what to do, start a brilliant book and keep your chin up.

Good luck, kxxx

Thanks KatyN

I think I just need a way to accept that 'it is as it is' . Finding a cause will not change what's happening today