Is being 'naked' so bad!?

[brennigbee]

Hello,
A bit of background...
I seperated from my husband a couple of years ago.
I started a new relationship about 6 months ago.
I have 2 girls and they have been great, they have taken to my new partner amazingly well. I was so very worried because it is a massive change for anyone to have to deal with, so we are very sensitive to the whole situation and how it is affecting the children. He stays over every now and then, but most often, comes for tea, or we take the girls out in the day and this has been great, they all get on brilliantly and 'sleepovers' were not a problem.
My youngest is now having particular problems though, dealing with the revelation my new partner and I might get 'naked'!! This has shocked me, because I've never broached this at all... it isn't a subject I'm wanting to get my children involved in really... we are very careful not to be too physically affectionate in front of the children, because understandably, this might make them uncomfortable (especially my eldest daughter who is 14) but my youngest seems most focussed on this and gets very upset.
My youngest daughter made me promise several months ago, that we would not be 'naked' together (which when the children are in the house, we don't do, he sleeps on the sofa bed) then, in a recent conversation, she asked where he sleeps if he comes over and we don't have children in the house, my eldest answered.. 'with mum, where do you think!'
My youngest was horrified!! She asked if that was true and as I thought the promise only extended to when he stayed and the children were about, I admitted that, yes, when the children were staying at friends or with their dad, then he comes over and sleeps with me.
She got very cross and very upset....
She now behaves very badly when he is here, he hasn't been able to stay over at all now and she refuses to sleep away.
I have tried everything, I've apologised, I've tried to reason with her, I've tried to reassure her that she is my number 1 and I love her more than anything in the world.... I just have no idea how to get passed this now.
She doesn't have a problem with him, she just has a problem with the fact we might do 'adult' things. She has specified that I can have him as my boyfriend, but I'm not allowed to do adult things... I've tried to explain that that's what adults do when they are together and that it isn't wrong, she accepts everyone else doing it (including her dad and his partner) but for some reason 'mum' isn't allowed!
I'm finding it hard to keep patient, as at the end of the day, I am an adult!
Do I promise her I'll never do adult things? I don't want to do that as that would be a lie!?
Any advice would be good!

Thanks

How old is your younger dd? I absolutely don't think you should lie. I think I'd want to talk about the principle of body autonomy, and how only you get to decide what happens with your body, also about how everyone in the family has a right to be happy.

Is there an opportunity to be alone with dd2 to try to ascertain why she is so insistent about this? I wonder if she's feeling insecure for some reason. Is she perhaps worried about you having a new baby or harbouring ideas that you and her dad might get back together?

I think you need to stop allowing your DD to dictate the terms of your relationships. The boundaries between you both seem to be non existent.
The next time she raises it cut her sharply off with " its none of your business. I am an adult you do not dictate to me."

And stop letting her questioning you!

I think that in the process of introducing the new partner into your household you have given mixed messages where you have intended to spare their feelings.

Ultimately, your children don't get a say in where your partner sleeps, and him sleeping on the sofa has been taken by your younger daughter as a signal that she does have a say.

Your DD has started acting out in his presence, so he no longer stays over...well she is getting exactly what she wants, isn't she? She tantrums and you all back off from this new relationship. It is difficult, of course it is, but you have a right to be happy too, and as you say, it is ok for dad to move on just not mum.

You need to persevere. Give consequences to the acting out, just as you would any other bad behaviour. Be firm and confident. You are allowed to move on. You are allowed to have a new partner and you are allowed to do adult things with him.

DD2 is 10 this year.
I don't think it is a case of her thinking her dad and I will get back together, they don't have a great relationship tbh and she doesn't seem at all phased that we are no longer together. If anything, she has embraced my new partner much more openly than her own father.
There isn't a chance we could have children either, I was sterilised shortly after DD2 was born.
I appreciate where you are coming from littlebairn... I have been firm and tried to tell her it's not her business, her behaviour has been completely out of character as a result though! She climbed out the window the last time my new partner was here and attempted to walk to a friends house (she didn't get very far before climbing back in!) She wrote me a very sweet mother's day card yesterday and apologised for doing that... but also said that she was still 'upset inside'

I would say she is more disturbed (not consciously) by the fact that she gets to decide who you sleep with rather than the fact that you have sex. You don't need to be rude while you are reclaiming boundaries but it needs to be done without half measures. Your new man sounds great, btw.

Yes, you have a point there.... I think it's hard because it makes my new partner feel awkward and to be honest, it is embarrasing when she starts!
I guess we'll just have to be firm

:) he is amazing...

It could be a good opportunity to talk about the positives of sex. That it is a healthy aspect of a loving relationship between consenting adults, that nobody (not even/especially not your child) has the right to dictate to or pressure you over it, that you have the ONLY say when it comes to your body. That it is nothing to be ashamed of and is intensely personal and private.

I realise that probably feels quite an unlikely outcome right now, but in the long run I think your experiences will be teaching her some good messages about sex.

She did say that she was sad, because it was something she doesn't share, so she obviously knows all about sex, she is also aware that it is something adults do to express their love. I've tried telling her that I share my love for her in a different way (obviously) we hug, I care for her etc etc. which she does get... but then she does say 'you do all of that with him too...so he gets extra'
It's a bit of jealousy in there too

I think she's probably just in that squeamish age where the thought of sex is horrifying.

And YY a bit of jealousy. I wouldn't overly worry, just ignore/be firm.

Some excellent advice in this thread. I agree with the suggestion that some of the sub-conscious twisting that's going on in her head is about her feeling vulnerable that you have not set firm boundaries about what is her business and what is yours. Children should not be made to feel that they have the ability to manipulate adults. It's not fair on them.

Also, she's 10. You've got an older DD so you know what 10 is like!

DD2 is a whole different kettle of fish to DD1 to be fair there Kiwiinkits!
DD1 at 10 had her parents together, so didn't have the same insecurities as DD2 has. Also DD2 is less independant and is a worrier, DD1 is very laid back compared.
DD2 does not have a great relationship with her dad either, he worked away for most of her life and they didn't have the same bond as DD1 and I don't think that helps, she sometimes says to me, that if I leave her, then she won't have anyone... (her dad had an affair and left to be with her)
He is also not particularly discrete about sex with his new partner. DD2 has seen them having sex (she fell off her bunk bed and went to find him apparently) she said it upset her, so she went and got into bed with DD2, she feels very much shut out by her dad.

got into bed with DD1....

If she saw adults having sex it adds a whole new dimension to her anxiety. For 10 year old real life sex can look alien and possibly scary. If it wasn't handled sensitively at that point God knows what she told herself it was about. She might be concerned for your wellbeing rather than trying to control you. I would say something about sex being great even if it doesn't look like that to an observer. I agree that the situation might be a great opportunity to debunk some misconceptions in an age appropriate manner.