Understanding toddlers

[ZebraZeebra]

I have 2.5 year old DS and 12 day old dd. When it was just me and DS I had infinite patience but since having DD, I have no patience or tolerance for DS's toddler-ness. I know this is just down to having a new baby and all that comes with that but I've realised there's a few things I just don't know how to deal with/what to expect from DS:

In the park most of the time I'm happy to meander around at his pace, checking everything out that he wants to and can generally gently coax him along. Sometimes - usually when I've reached my energy limit and want to go home - he just legs it off across a field. He completely ignores me calling for him and I get really cross having to trek way out of my way to get him.

He keeps slamming the living door, and it just really pisses me off. I didn't want to be a parent that gets annoyed with inconsequential stuff but it just really irritates me.

He generally just ignores me/doesn't acknowledge/respond to me. I find myself constantly saying "come on sweetheart, time to go/bedtime/dinner time etc" getting more and more internally annoyed at being ignored. I've tried giving lots of fore warning - we're going to go out soon etc - but is this just an age thing? I feel like I have to physically almost drag him up to get him going, at which point he's fine.

I know this is about him being two and me being tired with a newborn but I don't know how to generally handle it. I don't want to be this impatient, shouty mummy I'm turning into. I am so very tired with DD but I don't think I can expect DS to suddenly cooperate. He's two. I totally get that. But I also feel totally out of my depth dealing with his (naturally) uncooperative ways and not just respond with irritation and annoyance.

Yes it's an age thing. They basically have very little concept of time or will be absorbed in their own thing and won't want to get ready just because you say so.

Have you got an egg timer? You could use that - when the timer goes it's bedtime (or whatever). Does he like races - you can race children to do things (this worked really well when my daughter was that age but I've tried it on my friend's little girl and it was a total fail!).

Also overly praise the good behaviour as much as you can. And bribery works too. Use a tactic to get him to stick with you when you want to leave "if you come now i've got a snack/sticker for you" or he can choose something at home.

I get you I have a 2 yo and will shortly have a new one too.

I make sure dd absolutely knows if I'm getting annoyed - I found it works better than keeping myself artificially calm (on the outside) until I flipped. I usually find a firmly spoken "You need to do x and y because I'm getting cross now." is often enough to make it happen. If I do the constant "come on darling" thing she doesn't really take it seriously, but after a bit of training with the "I'm getting cross" line, she now will do something if I say quite nicely "Come on, dd, I've asked you to do that once already!"

It does risk being repeated at you.... Friday night my dd turned round and told me in no uncertain terms that she had told me three times not to do something! Cheeky mare!

I find bit of a countdown works e.g
"5 mins and we're going home....3mins and we're going home....1min and we're going home...."
Toddlers don't have a concept of time so "soon" will be ineffective but this way they can see that it's getting less and less. (It can backfire and my LO has said "I need 10 more minutes before bed")
Setting a timer on my phone also works.

As for slamming the door, can you get a little door stop or something that can live by the door frame to stop it closing? If it ceases to work and therefore illicit a reaction he may stop (depending on why he does it)

A low, firm voice without emotion is also a good thing to practice. Similar to the poster who said to let them know you're getting cross, it shows the fun and games are over and you mean what you say.

You sound like you're doing a fab job!

Reins on.

Wedge the living room door open.

Its fucking hard with a small and a baby.

Oh my god I feel your pain. My DS is 21 months, DD 4 months. My DS is also very high needs - the typical advice for toddlers just doesn't work for him I found when I was looking on "how to cope with two under two" sites, things like "just give them a small bag of their favourite toys/books whilst feeding baby to distract them/just pop on the reins and go out for a walk" etc etc. HA! The kid has never walked in his life, he freaking runs everywhere. Not only that, everything has to be done his way - from being outside (if he's not allowed to play in the road/run around strangers gardens/play with that pile of dog poo etc he planks and tantrums for Britain). In the house, if he's not allowed to play in th sink/with the oven, or if we don't get down and play how he likes (which isn't just brooming cars back and forth, they have to be on a string and run around the living for at least 20 freaking minutes), he tantrums like the world is ending.

I'm finding day to day life very depressing, lol. He too slams doors, will scream and hang off my trousers if I'm trying to feed/change the baby, etc. I've exploded at him about 4 times and made him cry and I felt EVIL :( So I've been trying to work really hard on coping with him. Counting to ten to calm myself down helps A LOT, as does fixing in my head happy images of him when he kisses me etc when he's being especially trying. Some other advice I read was to never discipline when angry, so I've been trying that too but it's hard when you're feeding a baby and you need to stop to discipline the tddler for hitting you etc.

Because he's such hard work, I don't leave the house. I can't, because I can't safely look after the baby whilst at the same time keeping him safe from the road etc etc. Luckily we have a garden I can stick him in when the baby is napping. No toddler groups, no soft play, just me and him and the baby all day, every day (I have no friends or family here so just me whilst husband is abroad).

It's easy to say, but try not to lose your temper with him. I end up crying most days because he drives me to despair, but the shame of making him cry eats away at me so I'm trying so hard to not be with him like my dad was with me (I was high needs too and my dad couldn't stand me, I remember it too well).

Thank you everyone, some great advice and well...the sympathy is also much appreciated. I feel like I'm doing a much worse job then I thought I would!

Door wedge is an excellent idea. Just take away the issue. The counting down is a good idea, and will get practicing my cross-but-not-lost-my-temper voice. God it's so hard. I've cried every single day since dd was born 15 days ago and it's mostly been about feeling guilty about how crap im being with DS.

Midorichan that sounds so hard! With no support it must feel so relentless. My heart goes out to you

Oh Midorichan, I feel your pain. You just described my DS1 exactly only he's 2.5 now. I could have written your post word for word only we don't even have a garden as we live in a flat.

TBH I'm watching this thread with interest as I currently have 2.5yo DS1 and 4month old DS2 and it's bloody difficult trying to be a good parent to both of them without losing your temper. I would repeat all the advice already given, I find the countdown helps quite well for park visits and letting them know that you're getting cross. Otherwise taking several deep breaths and counting to 10 helps when you feel your temper rising.