So how can I be a GOOD mother?

[HootOnTheBeach]

I don't think my mum was the best mother. It's not nice, and I'd never say it to her face because frankly it's too late now. I'm an adult and turned out alright-ish.

However, that doesn't detract from the fact that I had a pretty rubbish childhood. I need to talk about it and I do elsewhere - this thread isn't about that.

I have made lists, metal and physical, of Things I Will Not Do. But I don't really have much of an idea of what I WILL do. This makes me reluctant to TTC because I don't want to repeat mistakes in another generation despite broodiness and a self-contentness and a stable savings/job situation (and obvs lovely DP).

I would love to hear about practical tips on what to do from people who had nice childhoods or are doing well with their own children now.

I'm currently winging it. I have no idea what I'm doing but I avoid anything I didn't believe in that my parents did.

Due to your past it is likely you will think you are doing it wrong and you will want advice and might even get panicky.

The fact you feel like that means you are already a good parent.

You thinking about this will make you a good mother

I strive to be the best mother I can be while accepting that 'good enough' parenting will have to do at times.

• Spend time with your DC
• listen to them, really listen
• talk to them
• do fun stuff with them

Most importantly don't sweat the small stuff - concentrate on what's important and that's NOT perfection at all times IMO.

Don't worry about which of the common parenting choices is "best". There is no "best", there is what suits your circumstances and your child.

As PP has said, spend time with your children and really engage with them. Follow their interests and be playful with them. Be consistent in whatever approach to parenting you choose, but be prepared to adapt if things don't feel right or they aren't working.

You'll work out the practical bits as you go along.
A good mother puts her kids first.

Never make your DCs feel worthless (listen out in supermarkets you'll hear it). You can get cross, don't crush them.

If at all possible, sing to babies (they do get resistant to this in later life but I'm sure it was good for DD).

Be willing to try and see things from their point of view. Understanding a bit about development at various ages helps with this.

Have boundaries. You don't have to use harsh or scary punishments but just have lines that you won't let them cross. You can build a "fence" around the boundary by preventing bad behaviour and encouraging good. But dn't go on and on and on endlessly. Have a cut off point, and be human :-)

Love them and most everything will come right.

I'm winging it. I've been thinking about writing a parenting blog. My biggest issue as a child was confidence- perfect obedience was expected.

So here's my list:
Lots of hugs cuddles, at least half an hour of playing with them a day after school (board games, football, mud pies, etc)
Tell them you love them, praise achievements no matter how small.
Realise they are little people not clay to be moulded how you like and give them respect.
Give them limited choices to foster a sense of independence yet still help install boundaries (do you want to play this or go to the park, do you want a pyjama day or shall we get dressed and go out to x?, do you want this blue jumper or that red jumper).
A telling off is a telling off. If you're angry go away to cool down (I had to last night after drinks were spilt the second time by ds throwing things after I had told him not to) then return, calmly explain what had happened and why the behaviour was wrong. Then leave it. Don't drag it out or bring it up EVER again.
Let them play without supervision. Even if it means they come inside covered in mud with wet clothes. Playing with siblings, cousins and peers away from the eyes of a 'don't you'll get wet' adult warning teaches independence, social skills and valuable lessons.
Listen and respond to them. It doesn't matter if they are newborns or children. No one benefits from being told to stop crying or having their feelings brushed aside. Just hold them and value their feelings. Let them cry it out then talk.
Talk to them and ask their opinions, give them room to justify an opinion age appropriately. The dining table is good for fostering conversations.
Read to them, share reading, foster a love of books.
But above all, I think more than anything, enjoy spending time with them. Nothing teaches us we are special and valuable as much as someone wanting to spend time with us and loving us.