How to stop MIL taking over??

[lexyloub]

My ds3 is just 2 weeks old (older ds's are 8 and 5). MIL was quite over bearing when older ds' were babies taking over and telling me what they wanted/liked/disliked etc. With ds3 she's taken this to a whole new level she's bought a moses basket, bouncer chair,steriliser, bottles, nappies, bath,milk and clothes all to keep at her house. Before I finished on Mat leave she had my older 2 alot whilst I was at work and for this I am eternally grateful but I'm not due back in work til Jan so I really don't know why she feels she needs all this baby gear at her house.
She rang earlier to say she's off work tomorrow so she'll have the baby all day! Wtf???? What does she expect me to do all day why she's got my kids?? I feel like I can't say no and I don't want this to become a regular thing where she thinks she can look after the baby every time she has a day off.
Am I being unreasonable or over reacting here? I know she means well but I really don't relish the idea of sitting watching the clock all day waiting for him to come home (she will keep him all day and only bring him home at bedtime ).

So what is going to happen today then OP? Are you going to let her take your baby?

Turn your phone off/ignore then you can say you were enjoying some time bonding with baby as he's still so young.

Get your Dh onside what's his take on this? It's great that she helps with the eldest two could you say that you really appreciate her help with them & they get so much out of it you want her to focus on them?

Dh is a complete tit! He thinks I should let her have him cos in his words " when I want a night out and need a babysitter I might not get one " .It seems she's told the older 2 she's minding the baby all day and when she picks them up from school the baby will be there! I feel physically sick like I'm being shoved out my kids lives, surely I only need a babysitter when I'm going to work or going out somewhere not so I can sit at home alone all day.

Lexy - come on. Say no for goodness sake. how about 'lovely day here MIL, so am taking baby out for the day. Maybe another time'.

What did you decide in the end? Really hope you spend the day snuggled at home with the baby! 2 weeks is so so little, but even if it was 22 weeks you shd still say no if you don't want or need the help!

Just say No. There does not need to be a reason.

Ugh, OP, just let her know. I'm sure she is trying to do you a favour but just ring and laugh about how you aren't ready to surrender this one yet. So what if she's said to the older ones? You could even say that you think they might appreciate having her all to themselves. Keep it calm and focused on what you want and need re the baby and she can't really argue without being a massive tool. If she behaves lime that, you're within your rights to be rude.

You don't need to give your MIL an explanation.
When she turns up to "help you out" and take the baby, just say "thank you for the offer of help but you cannot have my two week old DS for the day".
And repeat to every argument she tries to reply with.
So what if she is upset? Your DS needs you, not your MIL.
And your DH is an arse. He should be sticking up for you, not trying to placate his mother for the occasional times you need a babysitter.

FFS what is it with these Grandmothers who have to try to run the whole fucking show and be the Alpha Mummy. I'm a 6 times Grandma and I love all my little grandchildren. But they are my Grandchildren! I had my own children, I'm not in some delusional "I'm the Matriarch " state of mind.

They are your children. Don't let some woman reliving her mothering days take away precious time.

Naturally these rantings don't apply to reasonable Grandmas who are able and willing to give help but don't feel the need to piss all over some other woman's mothering. This is such a common problem on MN, it makes me a little bit cross.

Didn't have any of this with my Mum or MIL. Thank God.

She is overbearing and no she does not mean well by doing this. This is all about power and control; she probably wants to play mummy again to your youngest. Its not your problem that she herself went out and bought all this stuff to put in her home either.

Why do you feel like you cannot say no; no after all is a complete sentence.

Your DH is as much a problem as she is because of his inertia when it comes to his mother. He really does not want to deal with her or this problem at all and he doing that simply just hurts him and his own family unit.

Also if you did want a night out and needed a sitter I would think his mother is the last person you should be asking frankly. I would pay and use the services of an organisation like Sitters instead.

If u want to avoid a showdown, tell her the health visitor is expected. Repeat excuse until 1 month is up. Ask her to keep older kids and u bond with baby!

I'm keeping him with me I just need to grow a pair and let mil know. I'm taking ds2 for a karate lesson this evening so will offer to drop the baby off then for an hour. Dh was meant to watch the baby tonight but if he thinks it's ok for me to sit doing nothing why mil has baby then it's ok for her to have the baby when he's meant to have him.

tell her that just because her ovaries are old and shrivelled, she doesn't get to play mummy to your baby.
Actually no do not say that....lol.
But you have to put your foot down! Look in the mirror and practice saying NO NO NO, and again NO.

You need a sling so that she can't just take the baby away.

Dh was meant to watch the baby tonight but if he thinks it's ok for me to sit doing nothing why mil has baby then it's ok for her to have the baby when he's meant to have him.

I don't understand this. Surely just leave him with his child? If he decided to take the baby to his mums then that's his choice to make.

Lexy I agree with everyone saying just say no however disagree that you should take the baby to MILs tonight when your DH should have him. You wouldn't be happy if the reverse happened so please don't make a rod for your own back.

Trust me dh won't be bothered it's 1 less child for him to look after

I agree, leave him with your DH, his PARENT! And your DH needs to step the fuck up and support you.

What is this MIL obsession with having babies on their own/overnight etc all the time? I think her buying all her own baby stuff is downright creepy, frankly. Just say with a light laugh 'Goodness, no, but you're nice to offer.'

Lexy - I am playing devil's advocate here.....

You are not, shall we say, terribly assertive. Could it be that your MiL thinks 'I know Lexy needs a break, with 3 children to look after, but she won't ask for help, so I will just matter of factly tell her I am helping out for the day to give her a break, then she does not have to ask'?

I am not saying this is right, but I think she might be genuinely trying to help, without realising how you feel.

Don't wait until she turns up to collect baby, ring her, and just say 'Listen, baby is too little to be away for the whole day just yet, but thank you so much for helping with the other children, you know how much I appreciate it'.

Even if won't bother him he could easily turn around at a later date, do the same and have a "if it's good enough for you attitude". Ask him if he would mind at the very least.

Just say no.

Do it gently or assertively or scream it like a banshee if the hormones take over but say no. Your baby wants to be with you at 2 weeks old, this is ridiculous.

The nice part of me thinks that that she wants to give me a break the bitch part of me thinks she just wants the kids all to herself.
I don't need a break the baby is very easy she knows I'm getting some sleep and I'm getting housework done whilst baby sleeps in the day (whilst also getting time to catch up on any tv I've missed). We're fine as we are I'm organised were in a routine everybody's happy and she knows I would ask for help if I needed it. I don't want her to assume that every time she's got a spare day she gets to play mum to my kids.

My baby is 2 months. My dm has looked after him once for 2 hours at my request. She has offered to have him for longer and I've said I'm not ready to leave him yet. Which she was fine with.

MIL lives further away, I know I'd find it harder to say no to her out of politeness, but I still would. And if I couldn't I know that dh would without a second thought (all nicely, but firmly).

Just repeat "I'm not ready to leave baby for any longer than an hour, even then I pine for him!" Whenever she asks. Your dh is an idiot for not seeing that you need to be with your newborn.

Phew feel relieved I just said I want to keep ds with me hormones are all over the place and I'm not ready to be away from him just yet. She said no problem she thought it might be too soon but let her know when I want a minute. I didn't say I'd bring him tonight but will mention it to dh to take him for a visit himself if he questions why I didn't let him go today.

Excellent. Sounds like mil just wants to be helpful and your dh might actually be more of the problem. He shouldn't be questioning why you wouldn't want to be away from your baby, he should just be respecting that you don't want to be.

Glad it went well!