When grandparents have a favourite...

[chicaguapa]

I know this is an old chestnut but what do you do?

DD is 5 and my MIL & her partner (will call SFIL for ease!) are very close to her as we used to live close by when she was younger. DS is almost 2 and absolutely adores SFIL but SFIL clearly favours DD. If I speak to him on the phone he always asks how DD is etc but never asks about DS.

This has recently been bugging me as we are going for Christmas and because of lack of space we will have either DD or DS in our room and MIL & SFIL will have other in their room. SFIL immediately said "we'll have DD" even though DS is sleeping through and less bother in the night.

Should I just grin and bear it when comments like that are made? Is it acceptable?

I'm in kind of a similar situation but my parents prefer my brothers children to mine and it upsets me.DS1 used to cry when my dad used to visit because he didn't see him often enough to know who he was.I only live ten mins away from them,brother lives further away.Before DS1 was born my mum said her firstborn grandson(brothers child) would always be the fave because he was the first.It was DS2 1st birthday on Tue and they forgot it.That would have never happened with brothers kids.I really want to have it out with them that if they have favourites perhaps they could make it a little less obvious I don't want my sons to notice it and feel hurt about it. I always chicken out though because I'll just end up getting upset.But when I see my parents it eats away at me.If you feel the same perhaps you should say something about it,if you're braver than me! (sorry to go on!)

We have a similar, though more subtle situation. My ILs favour my SIL's dd over our ds's purely because she is their daughter's child. SIL is best friends with MIL and has always done everything with her so it is a natural progression that now her dd is always with them too. FIL is retired and looks after her dd two days a week so SIL can go to work. ILs feel they "know" her dd better than they know our ds's and obviously see her more often. I feel sorry for my boys, especially as my parents love them to pieces but are in NZ

identical situation here. FIL and MIL dote on my SIL's 2 kids, and our 2 regulalry lose out. In the first year of his life, they visited 4 times, and they live only 30 mins away. At the same time they minded SIL's kids for 2 days a week so she could work, and they had dinner every week together. Their house is full of photos of their kids, with precious little of ours.
Thsi caused great tension in our house and I ended up having a big fight with them. DH was v. hurt at their disregard for our kids. In the end he had enough and went over alone to talk it out with them.

One year on and things have improved - slightly.

I'd recommend talking with them, but if only for your own sanity. In our case it caused a minor increase in attention, but only temporary.

It is a relly hurtful situation. BUt we ahve come to look at it as their loss, not ours. And opromised ourselves that if our kids ever twig onto the different attitudes then we would have to tackle it yet again.

This is a tough one. MIL used to play/spend time with both our boys until DD came along, now she pretty much ignores the boys and follows DD around like a lapdog when she's here which really gets on my nerves. I know some of it is because she had two sons and would loved to have had a daughter (she had two sisters), but it's really hurtful for the boys, particularly DS2 who is 7 and can't understand why she doesn't seem to like him any more. To make things worse both FIL and my mum were really close to DS2 and they have both died within the past few years. DH and I have recently decided to put MIL in a situation where she doesn't have a chance to favour DD - MIL is due to come and stay this weekend and I am going to take DD with me on Sunday when I take DS1 to rugby so the only one left is DS2! In your situation I would insist that your DD sleeps with you over Christmas. You could lie and say that she's going through a bit of a mummy phase, but personally I would say that you have noticed that your MIL and her partner spend more time with DD and you would really like your DS to have an equally close relationship with them, they can hardly argue with that!

My MIL is the queen of favouritism! She told SIL that she favoured our ds1 because he would be carrying on the family name which SIL's children obviously would not be doing. I wouldn't mind but the "family name" is as common as muck in Ireland. She has upset SIL and her dh a lot with things like this over the years.

Oh, I know exactually how you feel, as I have a very similar situation with my own mum favouring my eldest DS.
I am off out in a minute, so am a bit rushed for time, but will post properly tomorrow.
I hate favouritism.

MY mom clearly an dsometimes to obviously prefers es, which is understandable to a certain extend, when I was pg with him, her dh split up with her, so, it was the thought of es that kept her going and at the time she was able to come to visit more for the first years of his life, and I was more often able to visit, so, it is just natural that they are close, but this doesn't stop me being bothered when she then goes to also be special with ys but sort of leaves ms out, as apparently he is to clingy to me, whereas, tbh, he is the most confident lil guy, but yes he is very haard work....it does really get to me if she keeps on being critical of ms, but I do say something, and try to explain that acting the adult is more then jsut going for your favourite that you should give them all a chance...not alwas getting anywhere of course, lol! So, no just ignoring is not a good thing!

Hi there, i'm new to this site but just wanted to say that my grandparents have always favoured my 2 cousins over my sister and I and still do. Don't know why really, in fact you would think they would favour me more, if anyone because I spent 75% of my first 4 years with them because my mother was training to be a nurse. They always gave them more spending money, always bought them better birthday and christmas presents. My sister and I rec £10 and a card for our 18th birthday but our cousins rec a gold necklace and a siler diamond bracelet.

My mother regrets not saying anything when we were younger. It's now too late, they are now too old and too bloody minded to see what they are doing. In fact my grandad is adament that he treats us all the same.

I think you should say something before its too late.

Moo

My mother recently flew out to see my much favoured brother and his 9month old son.

The date she chose to fly out? My due date of my second baby. When I brought it up (prior to flights being booked) she clearly had not even thought about it and didn't seem to think I should have an issue with it.

My dd2 was born on her due date my mother flew back 10 days later. The airport is 30 mins from my house. Instead of coming to visit she went home was forced by my sis to call me later that afternoon and eventually reluctantly appeared the next day and had oops forgotten her camera.

Since I have only produced girls I am not expecting her to be beating down my door to see my children despite living 45 mins away rather than in another continent.

I really don't think there is much you can do about it except point out to your children that it is wrong and not fair so they know that it isn't their fault.

we have this too with il's thier dd's children are favoured they have always looked after them while sil goes to work, once gs was off their hands aged 16 they had another one so whole cycle repeats itslef. bil's kids are the bottom of the list - they are now 21 & 18 and have always known that they are the bottom of the pile. I dont think i'ls have ever baby sat for them, but do absolutly everything for sil (even baby sit their money every month)

Our 4 are middle ground somewhere in the cycle and it really hacks me off and my elder 2 14 & 12 know and feel it, so if they do then I can only imagaine how bil's kids have felt over the years

my mother and father are like this too dotes on dd but completely ignores ds. i know he's tiny still but at this age dd was passed from one to the other and doted on like you wouldn't believe.

my mother rants on and on about how great dd is, when i point out i have a son as well she says 'yes but we know dd already' whatever that means

she goes as far as telling me to give dd her love and hugs and kisses when she rings and not mentioning ds at all.

my dad isn't as bad but he does tend to blank ds, when he came to visit right after i had ds to see his first grandson for the first time he hardly looked at him

(hi crypmonkey, are you in ireland too?)

my mum favours my DD. It's a bit odd since she favoured my younger brother over me- don't know if she feels she's making amends? Frustrating because DD can be a complete cow yet can do no wrong in grandma's eyes, while DS2 and DS3 can't do anything right

My own grandparents on my mum's side were always very fair but my grandad in particular adored me (think that's why my mum didn't ) On my dad's side we lived 10 mins away from them but they could never be bothered with us. My cousin was born when I was 15 and they travelled 160 miles by bus every month to see her.

Families. Who'd have 'em.

whoops, just realised thats your hallowe'en name chipmonkey, brain wasn't working too well at that time on a friday night