13 year old Daughter Advice please

[Momoffour4]

I have 4 children, 19, 17, 13 girls and 5 year old boy. My 13 year old is worrying me a lot. she is golden in school. Does all her home work. Helps around the house. loves her sisters and brother. She doesn't swear or Stay out late.
she has no friends. she talks to girls a school. but doesn't go out after school with them, She doesn't email or text anyone. No matter how much I encourage her. She doesn't interact with anyone after school.

She goes Kickboxing with her uncle and cousin twice a week and Is amazing there. but again she doesn't talk to anyone other than her family.

She cant not make a decision... About anything. What's she is cooking in school the next day end with her crying a shouting in total distress.

Dinner times are a nightmare. She doesn't like any food. she causes so much stress at dinner time at home we don't know what to do with her. she eats eventually after fussing for 30 mins or more, The whole family dread dinner time.

She doesn't sleep. its 2 or 3 am when she finally goes to sleep. and then finds it impossible to wake up in the morning.

She will kick off at home if we turn the TV over, Even if she isn't watching it. She Strops off a lot over nothing, like her sister just looking at her.

I have tried all kinds of things to understand her, and try to help her. I have tried being patient and talking through each thing. I have tried shouting to try to get her to decide on something. We have all spent time one on one with her.
I have phoned her school and spoke to head of year, who spoke to her, the teacher called me back and said it was like getting blood out of stone talking to her. And has said she will keep her eye on her.

My husband and I are at our wits end. She had anther meltdown this morning over cooking in school ( which she picked to do herself)

Does anyone have any advice or understanding

Has she always been the same or is there a recent change?

She was very lively and outgoing at primary school. but since secondary school she has been like this. Now it seems to be getting worse

You can contact the pastoral team at school if you're worried about friendships or eating. There are lots of subtle ways they can help from just keeping an eye, to creating opportunities to socialise at the end of school to having informal mentoring/chats.

...as in ask specifically for pastoral staff. Often they have a different dynamic.

Thank you squizita. Her head of year is part of the pastoral Staff, I have spoken to her. Maybe I should talk to her again.

Are all your kids your husband's children? Just wondering if she was your baby and now you have a new one who also gets to live with his dad which she doesn't? (Guessing wildly!)

Sounds hormonal to me. I can only think to try to have as much happen to plan as possible.

please don't take this the wrong way but stop pandering to her tantrums, especially around meal times. I used to dread dinner time with my dsc's because like your dd they would muck about over whether they liked it or wanted it and I used to get really cross/upset. it made it awful for everyone and frankly just made the kids behaviour and food refusal even worse. these days it goes like this; food gets put on the table, they either eat it or they go to their rooms and they get nothing further to eat until the next meal time. there is no argument or discussion anymore just a calm and frank explanation. it only took a few times of them going to bed having not had tea before they learnt not to muck about. (I am talking about food I knew they loved cos had eaten it hundreds of times before). bedtime is the same, take lightbulbs out her room and remove all electronic devises but she is bed by X time and then set her an alarm (and hide it well) so she has to get up.

as for friendships, dss is exactly the same. making a fuss will make her more self conscious and won't help. speak to the school again but leave her to it, unless she says she is unhappy then broaching it and forcing her to socialise will only make her withdraw further

I was worried about my DD2 - golden in school, increasingly worrying at home - and was given some excellent advice here and on the SN boards. It may just be hormones. Or it may be something else: my DD2 has a DCD dx and I suspect strongly has ASD tendencies as well. The extreme reactions may indicate something deeper than just puberty. I was recommended the Explosive Child and some other resources. I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along to make some constructive suggestions.

I am very wary of offering advice, but have you considered Aspergers? Girls on the spectrum can often hold it together until the High school years.

I am not suggesting for a moment this is the case for your dd. It's just that my dd has AS and some of the things you say ring bells. On the other hand they could just be a result of puberty/hormones.

I was thinking Asperger's too. From what you've put here she sounds just like my DD who was diagnosed when she was 15. With girls it's when they hit their teens that they really start to diverge from the norm. Before that it's very easy for them to slip under the radar.

Thank you Everyone. All my children have the same dad, But u She really was the baby until our son came along. So you might be on to something.
Hormones could also be the answer. Ill keep an eye on that kind of thing. I Will 100% say if you don't eat what we cook, you go without, After her outburst this morning, She came home from school like nothing had happened. AS is interesting, My brother has a child With Autism. I think ill also have a chat with him. Thank you all so much for your Advice