Whether to stick with 1dc or try for another

[MaudeTheMopLady]

Hello, wasn't really sure where to post this, hoping for some advice.

I have a lovely DS (4) with my DH of ten years. I had decided to try again for another baby when DS was 2 but the day after I came off my pill I ended up in hospital with meningitis and it has been a slow road to feeling normal again. Only at the end of last year did I feel ready to try again. I decided to try again and had a miscarriage.

The crux of the issue that I need help with is that ever since my Ds was born I have been unable to decide whether having another child is the right thing to do. I have moments of clarity that I do and then i start to doubt it again when thing go wrong. I had postnatal depression, my ds didn't sleep until he was three and a half, my husband was always abroad or busy with work and never there and it put a big strain on my marriage and on my health. No family near by. Friends mostly didnt have children and I felt very alone. I was/am running my own business, doing two other jobs and with a Child that wouldn't sleep and a DH that is hopeless with babies, the result was getting Sick.

I changed my life, moved to the country, now see lovely DH at weekends (he is still in the city). I work three mornings a week, sleep a lot more, have more space and time now and felt ready to try again. (Though I do still have occasional fatigue if I don't pace myself carefully. I also have to sleep at least eight or nine hours at night or my brain starts to go funny again.)
However, After the miscarriage in January, something strange happened. I was incredibly happy to be pregnant and felt it was definitely the right thing to do, but as the hormones left my body I started to feel familiar anxiety and abyss feelings I had after ds's birth. Remembering it all has made me unsure whether I am doing the right thing. I would essentially be doing it alone as Dh is always away. The other thing to mention is that DH really doesn't want another - he feels our DS is wonderful and everything we need. He's just getting to a stage where they really enjoy each other's company and he can't bear to go back to the hell we were in before. I can't decide what to do. I am scared I can't manage again, but am also scared of regretting it forever if I dont. I should also mention as it's quite important that my husband is thirty years older than me, he is early sixties and I am 35 - this doesn't make he matter anymore straightforward. Would so love some helpful thoughts on this dilemma that keeps going round and round without any kind of resolution in sight. Sorry for LONG post...

It sounds like you have been through an incredibly tough few years. Everything you list here is a reason not to have a second, or at least that is the way it seems to me. HOWEVER, how you felt when you got pregnant is very telling. I think this is a case of head says no, heart says yes. It is a very tricky one, good luck with yor decision.

Thank you time. Much appreciated.

We decided to stick with one child for several reasons, partly because I am 38, and husband is 17 years older than me, partly for financial reasons (time off work/maternity leave/pay and pension plus cost of full time childcare for one or two children). Also because although I had a healthy pregnancy, a quick and unexpectedly easy, fast labour and an enjoyable home birth, I really, really didn't enjoy being pregnant. I found it extremely hard physically, I had issues with severe pain from SPD and also some periods of awful depression whilst pregnant which were very hard to cope with and were so bad that I considered ending the pregnancy a few times (despite having wanted a child for over 10 years). We can’t afford full time childcare for two children, so even if we wanted another child we would have to wait until our first is in school, which makes the age problem even more of an issue. I also find I enjoy each stage of my child's life and feel that to concentrate on one child completely is easier for me than trying (and failing) to concentrate on more than one child. I do not feel I would do that very well and prefer to invest all my time and energy in one child rather than half heartedly in several. I also love our DD so much that I don’t see how having another, different child could make things any better than they are – despite always picturing myself with a large family earlier in my life, I don't feel any need to create another child at this point, and we love our family the way it is. We enjoy our life as it is. You don't need to justify your decision to others though. You need to discuss it with your husband and do what is right for yourself and also for your existing family.

Thank you Gourd! What a lovely post. It's makes me feel much better about the fact that DS may be an only too. I love the idea that you feel complete despite having thought you might have had a larger family and also that you feel you can focus all your love, time and energy on one without being run ragged. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I find your words very comforting.

Your post strongly suggests, on a logical front, no. Life isn't all about logic though.

I have recently had my second dc and I've been finding it extremely hard. My DH is around lots and my parents and sister are just down the road. Tbh most days I find myself feeling really stressed with how difficult it is and I keep thinking how I'm really not enjoying it. I'm not meaning to be ridiculously negative, I'm just trying to say a second dc may not be everything you'd dreamed and hoped for.

Some of my friends have deliberately decided to have just the one dc. They wanted to really enjoy their first dc and be able to do for and give him everything he might want and need. You can really do so much for a child if you only have one to worry about.

But as I say it's not all about logic and if you really want a child then you should talk to your husband. I can't see how going against his wishes on this could ever be a good idea. Children require so much and to have entered into that without him wanting to is surely recipe for disaster.

Whatever you decide I hope you look after yourself and continue to get better. You've had a really, really tough time of it

Too tired, thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. It's really good to hear your perspective from the other side of things. Your advice is really good and insightful and I am going to take it on board. Thank you so much. I hope things get easier for you.

It's such a difficult one isn't it?
I can relate somewhat. I had severe PND and a DH who put in 60+ hour weeks in his job. Our one and only is also of a similar age to your DS.

I had a great pregnancy and birth, but afterwards was quite simply like something out of a horror film. I have since established that my PND was mostly hormonal, as I pinpointed in the past year a crushing premenstrual depression that has been controlled to some extent thanks to a consultant gynae.

I never saw myself with one child, there were always two in the picture. DH is thoroughly enjoying life with our three year old now, but I know he found the baby stage difficult. He went through hell when I was ill.
He would happily have another, but at the end of the day life would carry on as it is now for him... not so for me.

I have just about come to the conclusion that it would be too big a risk to take to try for another baby. The chances of me suffering the same PND again are high. I really do not want to take antidepressant medication again, I had an awful reaction to it and an awful time coming off it. It's not the magic bullet for me that works for others.
I'm also 39, and we are tipping along quite nicely at the moment after a few terrible years.

What is confirming my decision for me is that my reason for having another is simply to provide a sibling. Like gourd I truly think I would be a better mum of one than of two.

maude I absolutely get where you are coming from. My LB is 3 (in a few days) and I have moments of 'I think we should give him a brother or sister' And then I snap back into the reality that I have found motherhood quite how do I put it? challenging at times. Financially we have been in a mess since I was on maternity leave (had to file for bankruptcy 18 months ago) and we are just about coming out the other side now he will shortly be getting some of his nursery paid for. He is another child who thinks sleep is for wimps! On a good night I will only be up to him 3/4 times, on a bad night it can be much worse (every 45 minutes Saturday night, cue a sobbing mess by 5am! me not him). My OH and I have discussed having another one a coupke of times but, tbh, I don't want one. I'm skint, I'm exhausted and I couldn't imagine loving another little human anywhere near as much as I love my little man.

There is nothing to be ashamed of only wanting one child, the way I see it is that you are making an informed choice that will actually benefit your family, as a whole, in the long run.

Violator ... Thank you for your thoughts. I'm sorry you suffered so much with PND. How terrifying that must have been for you. Thanks for sharing your experience - it's really helpful to hear you've been in a similar place and that you've reached some sort of resolution and are at peace with it.
Name change - oh my goodness, it sounds like you have been through the mill too. I totally identify with the 5am and 3/4 times a night. I thought it was just me! Thanks for making me feel I don't have to be ashamed of just having one. All you posters have been so wonderful. I am really starting to find clarity on this ...after going round and round in circles.. Thank you all so much. Am so pleased I posted. Thank you.

It's a tough one isn't it!! My DD is 16 months and my DH and I are "seeing what happens" we took 3 years to conceive DD and we'll both be 38 this year so we know time and luck isn't exactly on our side. My DH works away for long periods of time and we have limited support but I can't really explain other than I feel I'm not done yet if that makes sense - we only ever wanted 1 but since DD arrived my heart is saying try again but I'm under no illusion how hard it would be on my own 50% of the time but still I crave to be pregnant again.

I know those feelings Griffo... And I wish you so much luck with trying again.
I think partly why I wanted to try again was a feeling that I had somehow done it all wrong the first time around and that I could make things better by Handling it all better a second time round; putting myself more in control and enjoying it more. However, as time has passed , that urge to right my mistakes has lessened and the idea that I should concentrate on the present has become more potent. I am still wavering about the decision but am closer to making a decision I think. I have found so many of the posters comments helpful and clarifying on this thread. Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Well Maude my mind has just been made up. My DD & I have had a horrendous tummy bug for 2 days and my DH is away with work. It's been utterly horrible with no support. So I've had a moment of clarity 1 DC is enough - It's confirmed that I simply couldn't cope with 2. In an ideal world DH would be here all the time, my parents would help and we'd have another but I can't expect others to help. Decision made and it's actually a relief. I hope you reach a decision that's right for you.x

I have 2 DCs but I don't think I ever felt properly ready to have DC2, I got pregnant quite quickly so that was that. I adore them both and couldn't imagine my life without them - I'm so happy they will grow up with a sibling. But I found going from 1 to 2 really bloody hard. My DH works away, a lot. The GPs are great, but at the end of the day the responsibility for my DCs rests with me when DH is away. There have been so many times when I've thought, if I had just one DC now my life would be much easier/simpler etc.. And if you don't have proper support it will be incredibly hard to manage two on your own. But people do it and get through it. So fwiw I don't think there is a wrong decision - the grass may well always seem greener on the other side, which ever decision you take!

Only just saw your posts globetrotter and Griffo - but thank you for posting… Its very interesting to hear things from the other side Globe - its what I need to hear, I know you are right! Thank you for sharing that, its extremely helpful.
Griff - I'm really glad you've reached some clarity on this…am slightly envious of your new found certainty! Thanks again.

I have two DCs. They were really hard work as babies. Mind numbing exhaustion, borderline pnd etc etc etc.

However, they are both absolute joys. I love them to the death.

I have noticed that most of my friends with 1 DC have a lot easier life/more energy/able to prioritise DC's clubs etc. And their children are perfectly lovely.

There is nothing 'wrong' with having 'only' one child. Good luck whatever you decide. (I have 2 close together.)

I was convinced I would only have one after DD was born and felt this way until she was about 18 months, then it just felt right that we would have another one. There was no angst or debate, we both really wanted it. I've recently been wondering whether or not to have a third as DP wants to try, but have decided not. This time there has been a lot of angst and debate!

I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of the faint broodiness which makes me want to have another child, so I've had to employ logic and lists to help me make the decision and logic is telling me no.

Thanks Lowry, I think I feel somehow subconsciously that I am doing my DS a disservice not having another, so its nice to be reminded that there's nothing wrong with that decision…its a relief to hear! Good to hear that your friends' only children are really lovely and not suffering from a lack of a sibling, that's very heartening. Thanks for your advice.
Loveisagirl, interesting to hear that the feelings don't go away after you've had a second! I so identify with list making and the angst... Logic is telling me no too.
Iggly - sorry to hear you had a tough time with it too…but so brilliant that you have two lovely children that you adore….
thanks everyone. Its so brilliantly helpful to have this forum for advice from people who have been in similar situations.

I'm sure the feelings do go away for some people after their second - or their first, or their third, etc etc. But for others, the broodiness always remains and this can be confusing if you're tempted to have another child. I've acknowledged the broodiness may well be there but that doesn't mean its 100% the right decision to act upon it.

My DP is an only child and always raves about his childhood!

And good luck with whatever decision you make.

I have 2 DS's aged 3.5 and 5 months. I really wasn't sure I wanted a secod child and it wasn't until DS1 turned 2 that I really felt ready to try again. DH always wanted 2 and in an ideal world wanted a smaller age gap but for me that was just never going to work. I didn't want two in nappies etc and actually the three year age gap is working out really well as DS1 adores DS2 (for now!) And he is very helpful and revels in helping me look after DS2.

If I'm completely honest I personally would have been happy to stick with one. Once DS1 was sleeping and that bit older and independent I felt like I was getting my life back. Plus money is a big factor with no family nearby and childcare to pay for. I too felt it would be fab to concentrate all my energy into just one DC etc... But, the thing that swung it for me was when DH told me that when his dad died the only person in the world who really understood how he felt was his sister. Then we talked about the awful the possible situation of us both dying would be (even if we live to a ripe old age) and leaving DS1 on his own and I just didn't want to leave him alone. I am also the youngest of four so see how much joy my own parents get now they are older and have this massive family with loads of grandkids. Also, selfishly we said what if DS1 emigrates when he's older, imagine spending Christmas alone! At least with two one will hopefully stay around.

I'm not sure if any of this helps but they were factors in helping me to make my decision to have a second and I don't regret it. I am lucky not to have had PND and I had good pregnancies and labours. However I'm still on maternity leave and haven't had to get them both out the door by 8 yet so I can get to work so will see how I feel come September!

One last thought - all through my second pregnancy I was so worried I wouldn't love DC2 as much as I love DC1 as I couldn't see how that could be possible. But I do. Turns out there is enough love for both ?!

Not sure this helps but just wanted you to know that I know how hard it is to make these decisions and I didn't have the factors of older DH and PND . My DH does work shifts though and no family nearby so most of the childcare falls to me and weekends on my own can be very lonely.

Good luck with your decision!

My DD (only child) is only 4 months but I think about this EVERYDAY.

I'd always pictured 3 children. I've always thought siblings were essential to become a well rounded adult with a good support network.

However, having had terrible PND I'm simply not sure I could cope with another newborn. I'd I could guarantee no PND, I'd probably have another tomorrow.

Maybe we'll adopt the next one...

Belly rub apparently it doesn't necessarily follow that if you have PND the first Time that you will also have it with a second, my psychologist friend told me that...but it's scary to contemplate isn't it ? after you've been through such bleakness it's frightening to imagine going back there. Then I look at other people with two or three children and they all seem to be managing and having a lovely time and that makes me think how have I managed to find it all so hard? Am I overthinking it? (Well yes I am!) thanks for posting.

NutGirl - so interesting to read your post it really touched various chords - and v good to hear about the positives of a situation that you thought through before taking the plunge.

Thanks Loveis.