following on from "My parents did x to me.." - how do you improve then?

[monkey]

This rang a lot of bells with me.

One thing that lots of people said was they'd spend more time with thier kids. Thier parents didn't play with them much etc.

I've just returned from a visit to my mums. It was horrible. The whole time we were there, she didn't eat 1 meal with the kids. She plonked them in front of the tele. She couldn't be botherd. She sees them maybe twice a year, and that's when I bring the 3 little ones half way across europe to her, whereas she could skip on a plane and pop over, but she hasn't been to us for 2 years. The day we left, again she plonked kids in front of tv and was changing the beds & hoovering. She donesn't know when she might see them again. Miserable old cow. ANd she was so f*ing moany at the.

It brought back so many memories of my shit childhood at her hands. She couldn't be arsed with me either.

Sorry for rant. But I am very conscious of the fact I don't spend as much time as I would like to with my boys. I hate her for it, but seem to be doing the same.

I don't want to put housework first, but I am knee deep in bills and paper to file.

How do you get organised to keep house at reasonable level while not missing out too much on kids?

How do you change behaviour patterns that have lasted over30 years?

I can only give you suggestions for your housework....my advice would be...blitz the house, even if it takes you a good week or so..do it from top to bottom because once it is done it is easier to keep on top of...It might mean neglecting the kids for a tiny while but then you can work on spending more time with them.....
Get them to help you do it???

As for changing behaviour patterns....Maybe you shouldn't try to be the complete opposite...the good thing is you have recognised the problem and you want to change...which is evidently more than your mother has done....so good on you!
Your kids will be ok as you want to spend time with them, and you are trying to....

Haven't read the other thread but I think that during my childhood parents didn't really "play" with their children a lot - and a lot of people I have talked to say the same. (This was during the 60s and 70s). Obviously most families had a lot less in the way of labour saving devices than today so housework did take a lot of time to do - but I think children were also expected to just go out and play with other children and were left to their own devices a lot more than today. There probably wasn't much money for days out either (and not the variety of places to go too..)

I would say that my own mother doesn't really play with her grandchildren much when she sees them either - maybe will read books to them but that's about it. As you say, it's probably a behavious pattern that's hard to change...

My aunt, on the other hand, who never had children of her own, is great at playing with them and I remember her being good fun when she came to visit us as children - but maybe it's easier being fun when it's only for a few days at a time.

I know I am not great at playing with my own children - I tend to get bored quickly - but I think that is due to my own personality rather than learned behaviour from my parents. We do spend time together but I prefer to be out and about with them rather than down on the carpet playing...

I think just being aware of the problem is a good start. If you are worried about following in your parents' footsteps in a problem, then you'll be watching out on it.

I think NQC is absolutely right - the fact that you're aware of a potential trap, means that you're less likely to fall into it.

my main thing tho is trying to get the house in a reasonable state while still having time for them. I'm really rubbish at it, seem to succeed at neither, ie house tip and spend no time with them.

How do you do it?

monkey, what are you good at doing with your kids? I'm really rubbish at some of the playing business, but I enjoy Lego, painting, reading, dancing & playing doctors & nurses, mummies & daddies etc. So I will happily do those things with my children. Stick to what you enjoy & then you should all have fun. You don't have to 'play' with your children to spend time with them. Sometimes just sitting beside them on the sofa for 20 mins while they watch their favourite programme gives them the sense of companionship & closeness they love.
If you are feeling a bit disorganised, have a blitz one evening to get on top of things & then just spend 20 mins a day keeping on top of stuff perhaps?
Hope some of that helps.

My parents didn't play with us either, and that was pretty normal for the times.

I play with my dd at the expense of having a clean and tidy house. Not ideal, but I also go out to work for 25 hours a week and I am not able to stay on top of everything as others manage to!

It's still hard to balance demands on your time - trying to be a good mother, wife, employee, friend, housekeeper etc etc etc. And have some sympathy for your mum, I doubt it was easy for her, she probably can't remember how to play even if it occurred to her to do so.

ludaloo is right about getting the kids to do the housework with you...I need to work on that too!

Regarding the housework, if you have any time that is child free I would work on clearing out clutter and organising proper storage - much easier to tidy up when there is less stuff and somewhere to put it. I only tidy up toys at the end of the day too, unless there is so much stuff out that they can't put the trainset out, for example.

You can get loads done in an hour or less, if you are determined (or two 30 min slots if you prefer..) You also need to do so much and then stop. For example, one day I might hoover downstairs OR hoover upstairs OR clean the bathroom OR blitz the playroom, etc. And then apart from laundry (which I do every day), cooking and loading/unloading the diswasher I do very little else. Things like loading washing machines and dishwashers can be done while the little ones are having a meal in the kitchen.

It helps to have low standards too! I freely admit that I don't dust/clean out kitchen cupboards/hoover behind sofas as much as I should...

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