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Now I feel really crap.

50 replies

Moobaloo · 28/02/2015 19:43

sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/04/5-reasons-why-your-birth-can-affect-your-baby-and-your-parenting/

Warning - The above link is about how unnatural birth/induction/assisted birth can affect you and your baby.

It really upset me, I have to share somewhere. I had an awful, long induction when I was overdue with lots of complications and intervention. Then a baby that was over 10lb to boot.

We've had a rough time, breastfeeding was so hard and couldn't go right, I gave up at four months. I love him so much but feel something is missing, I think I have pnd, I'm definitely not the same person anymore. He's never slept through the night (9 months now) and it's killing me. I fight more with my lovely lovely fiancée. I'm horrible.

Why couldn't I just be patient and refuse induction? Why was I so keen to let them take over when I'd had a textbook pregnancy and was in perfect health, with a healthy baby? Why why why. I know I can't change anything but... I just wish I'd known more. I'm a 'hippy' about most things so why did I just go along with it when a few more days of pregnancy might have started things off naturally and potentially changed everything?

Sorry. Just needed to vent. Am all alone and feel crap.

OP posts:
cartoonsaveme · 28/02/2015 20:56

I totally and utterly agree with point 1 and the amazing changes cranial osteopathy can make. DC had forceps and then horrendous proper full on colic. Not just crying but 4hours of screaming from 7-11 pm every day. Four sessions of CO sorted it. At least 6 people I know saw the same lady with significant results. All had forceps. The theory is exactly how it was explained to me. DC1 had got stuck so would not change it but CO should be standard afterwards

Moobaloo · 28/02/2015 21:07

Thank you all, I feel a bit less bad now :) I'm normally very confident in my decisions and parenting really, I don't tend to feel bad about this sort of thing. I felt great after the birth and about it for months, it seems to have crept up on me somehow. Odd. I don't think I was traumatised, I know it was bad but I think it sounds worse than it actually was really.

We saw a CO once and when I asked if he should come again he just said "if you think it's needed" and I just... Didn't really know?!

I have pulled myself together now :) onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
cartoonsaveme · 28/02/2015 21:08

However OP you must never blame yourself. You acted on medical advice. Non assisted births can also be fatal - like my DC1 getting stuck. Please speak to GP or MW about your feelings. With DC1 I was too tired to bond really for a while. DC2 was almost born in the car with no drugs - felt the same as I was in shock. I didn't truely bond with either for months

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

mummybare · 28/02/2015 21:16

FWIW, I refused induction with DD and had a straightforward birth with only gas and air. I did not feel the 'rush of love' afterwards either. I was just knackered and shell shocked by the whole thing and still wound up with PND 8 months later.

Breastfeeding was fine, if incredibly painful at first, but she would never take a bottle. We tried and tried and tried. I felt incredibly trapped by it.

So, even if you had made different decisions (and you obviously made the best decisions for you and your baby at the time, based on the information available to you), the outcome could have been the same. And either way, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Seek help if you are feeling low. I never ended up having any medication (although would have done so if things had gotten worse and/or other support had not helped), but getting a few HV listening visits, starting up some regular activities (exercise and a bit of breathing space for me and stuff for me and DD to do together), getting DH on board and enlisting help from family etc. really helped.

Having your first baby is such a huge adjustment. I totally identify with the whole not recognising yourself thing. I just felt like a bomb had gone off in my life. But now I would hate to go back to pre-DD me. I just prefer the person I am now and the life I have. DD is nearly 3 now and I think she's the absolute bee's knees. It has had its tough moments, but being her mum has taught me what love's all about.

Good luck, OP Flowers

cartoonsaveme · 28/02/2015 21:25

Op at least the CO wasn't trying to rip you off !!! It can be hard for them as they can't see the results in terms of whether screaming reduced or sleep improves

violetlights · 28/02/2015 21:27

OP, she's talking utter utter shite. Utter shite. I had every intervention going including three inductions for my last DC. I'm like you - happy to go with hippy decisions on the whole but agreed to be induced. Why did we do it? Probably because we knew the risks increase as time goes on. Probably because people who have actually seen the worst are advising us to do so. We made informed decisions and anyone who makes us doubt ourselves and these decisions can go fuck themselves. We rule! You rule!

Also whether your baby sleep / eats etc is not down to you. My darling twin nieces had the same birth and are treated exactly the same. One will sleep really badly for months, the other won't. One's grumpy for a bit the other isn't. One has a good appetite, the other doesn't. The mothers treatment of them has absolutely no effect! They are who they are. The birth affects nothing.

If you're feeling shit and feel you have pnd please speak to your GP. They can help. But please don't listen to these gobshites who pedal bollocks to further their shitty careers. Angry Flowers

CunningCat · 28/02/2015 21:28

I wonder what qualifications she has and what research she conducted? It appears she is offering a paid service and more about instilling fear into parents to be for financial gain, rather than actual facts.
Very reprehensible IMO! Most women have no control over what may/may not happen during the birth process and at the behest of midwives/Drs etc.
It is just another stick to beat mums with.
A family friend was a midwife for 40 years, qualifying in the late 1950's. She says as long as mum and baby survive, then that is all that matters! Very sensible.

TweeStuff · 28/02/2015 21:45

She has a psychology degree from Greenwich Uni (260 ucas point entry requirement Wink ) plus (I've cut and pasted from her web page)

After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, Hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Developmental Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.

So would you like her to give you medical advice or would you prefer a qualified Doctor or Midwife.

CunningCat · 28/02/2015 21:49

Hmmmm! No PHD, Research etc. Load of bollocks!!! Money making racket trading on fear and guilt!!!

Katekoom · 28/02/2015 22:35

I had the hormone drip and am currently breastfeeding my happy little baby.

I'm not even going to read that article - sometimes intervention prevails.

Dont blame yourself

Buglife · 28/02/2015 22:36

Shit like this makes me sick. Any time people beat you over the head with how amazing and natural birth should be and how all women can do it without an evil no good Doctor even LOOKING at you, why does no one ever remember 'oh yeah, before birth had medical interventions it was incredibly dangerous and loads of women and babies died?! My DS was yanked about with forceps before being ventoused out as he got stuck and struggled, heart beat dropped. He's now the most delightful little chilled out baby. Gis head was a mess afterwards but he healed. I'm sorry this has reared its head. Enjoy your baby and well done, you came through an ordeal that was out of your control.

DougalTheCheshireCat · 28/02/2015 23:22

OP I'm going to disagree with most people on this thread. I had a birth which was like yours interventionist when I'd rather not. I've read quite a bit of Sarah Ockwell Smith's stuff. She's not a great writer in my opinion but the research she is referencing is valid.

I think she's also quite brave to talk about things that are a r Al taboo (like feeling differently about different children, for whatever reason). I've also read quite a bit of Michel Odent's stuff and done his doula course, mainly to get my head around what happened at my birth.

There's lots I could say but first and most important is to note that kind of birth you had can trigger PND. It's not surprising or usual that that might come up later, your body and mind prioritises your baby at the start, the darker stuff often doesn't surface until later when you have a bit of spare capacity.

Please, please though, don't feel 'crap' as in, if I'd done better birthing, my baby / things would be better. That's not it at all. We all, especially first timers, birth in a system which sets us up to fail. What's more surprising, in the current model of standard care, is that quite a lot of people do manage to birth straight forwardly, rather than how many don't.

Rather, maybe, see this as the beginning of working through what the birth opened up for you. And/ or getting and making the changes you need to come to terms with it. How well you are , both emotionally and physically, matters a lot, and looking after yourself is the foundation of being a good mum and looking after your baby.

For me, the process took about 18 months and involved both understand the practicalities of what happened at my birth, and working through the emotional side. We had the support of a wonderful post natal doula who made a massive difference. I saw a wonderful cranial osteopath for DD regularly when she was little. I knew some of her more difficult aspects where connected to her birth. It helped some of that, some of it I rode out with her.

And I prioritised working through what it had brought up for me, as much for her and my subsequent children as for myself. I had a debrief with my obstetrician, I did a birth trauma session with our doula. Then later I did some therapy / counselling (not about the birth so much as working to heal the less constructive aspects of my personality that it revealed). And then the doula course with Michel Odent which has completely transformed my understanding of birth (and I thought I was well informed before) and made me excited and confident to do it again (and where and how I will).

In the end, although I still regret some aspects of it, I value the insights into myself it has brought. Through it I'm making changes that are benefitting me, my relationship, and my daughter. Though these have not always been easy.

The 'all that matters is a healthy baby' arguments are tosh in my view. That is a very low bar for success, and minimises the many many women who were upset or bothered or traumatised by the birth experience, and encourages them to ignore very valid feelings. Yes birth care is much better than it was. It's also a long way fro.m what it can and should be.

CunningCat · 28/02/2015 23:58

Buglife. In a perfect world. " all that matters is a healthy baby" arguments are tosh!
My twins were emcs at 30 weeks, twin one breach, both in NICU on ventilators. I was just relieved they survived. Perhaps you have been lucky enough not to have to go through something similar.

Buglife · 01/03/2015 00:08

I didn't say 'all that matters is a healthy baby is tosh' that was the next poster? I'm confused why you've mentioned me?

CunningCat · 01/03/2015 00:26

Sorry Buglife my mistake!
I apologise.
I meant DougalTheCheshireCat.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 01/03/2015 08:16

I haven't read the article, and I wont. I feel bad enough about DD's birth that I don't need to read anything designed to make me feel guilty!
If i hadnt have had labour induced when I did, both DD and I couldn't have died. I had pre-eclampsia, which post birth developed into eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. DD was IUGR due to my pre-eclampsia, which had gone undiagnosed despite symptoms for 2 weeks.
Yes I wish I could have had a natural water birth , with a full term healthy baby and spontaneous labour - but that was not an option for me.
Yes I feel guilty that my body failed me and DD, but all that matters is she is healthy now.
Yes, natural birth is the ideal, but we should all be thankful that modern medicine is available for when things don't go to plan. Women should not be made to feel they have failed because they need intervention. Natural labour and birth is risky, frankly i sometimes wonder how our species thrived for so long!

NinjaLeprechaun · 01/03/2015 08:51

The 'all that matters is a healthy baby' arguments are tosh in my view.
Your view is a long way from mine, apparently. I was in labour for 5 days and I was left far more traumatized by that than by the eventual medical interventions. I genuinely wish they'd 'intervened' a good two days earlier than they did.
Though the whole thing was certainly a good deal less traumatic, for both me and my daughter, than dying. Which is what would have happened if they'd done nothing. So there's that.

For whatever it's worth, my daughter is now an absolutely fantastic 18 year old. Who is probably far more well adjusted than I've ever been.

And OP, I don't think most 9 month old babies sleep through the night do they? I think that's another lie people tell new parents to make them feel badly about themselves.

LondonJen · 01/03/2015 09:01

I haven't read the link but just wanted to say I had what on paper looks like a very natural nonintervention birth. But baby was back to back, it was long and hard and I was utterly physically done in afterwards. Baby wanted to sleep not eat, we were having to wake her for feeds she would not stay awake as she ate, and had a tongue tie so wasn't managing to eat well. I was a sleep deprived mess. Things only got better once I stopped bf and could get some rest. But I didn't feel good about things until I got that rest. Dp was so in love with Dd. I told him it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I meant it. All these awful things happening were a result of having the baby. I don't have pnd but it was tough at first. I feel differently now but it was slow to come. Please don't best yourself up OP. My birth experience did not lead to instant love and an easy baby. I hope you can get some support.

harryhausen · 01/03/2015 09:15

OP, you WILL stop feeling like this.

I sympathise. I'm 10 years on from my planned homebirth withy first dc, which ended with a very long, difficult labour in hospital with forceps, a third degree tear and an argument between the Drs in the delivery room about how I should have been in surgery for a CS because dd presented the wrong way round.

Like you, being a normally confident cheery person I went on autopilot and got on with it. Dd wouldn't latch on, no matter - I'll ff. It's a shame but nevermind etc.

Then 6 months on, a friend of ours sent a round robin text about the birth of his new son. The text simply said "my wife gave birth to our wonderful ds on such and such with just a whiff of gas and air. Now that's what I call a real woman!". Even though it wasn't about me, I literally collapsed on the kitchen floor in hysterical sobs. It all just crept up on me.

My second dc was a quick uncomplicated birth with just gas and air. I won't lie and say it wasn't a better experience. It was. BUT my ds has been a much more volatile child. A bit like a bomb! Utterly lovely but difficult.

The article above is utter bollocks. You are and will be a fantastic mum with a happy child Smile

Ihavealwaysbeenastorm · 01/03/2015 09:16

OP is had an induction due to preeclampsia with my first baby, also had an epidural and ventouse. She breastfed fed like a dream, until well over a year. She was a happy content baby, no colic or reflux or any issues. She's a very happy girl now too.
My DS was born naturally, no intervention and only gas and air as pain relief. He had terrible reflux, I could only feed him til 16weeks, and every feed was hell. He's a very discontented baby, still is at 9 months, still doesn't sleep throug.

I know my evidence is anecdotal but I don't feel guilty about the interventions I had with DD because they made no difference to her, but babies have colic, reflux etc, do you really think by the time they go to school it will matter what way they came into the world or how long you breastfeed for?

Don't let shite like this upset you, some things are out of our control.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/03/2015 10:42

It sounds to me like this lady had PND following her medicalised births, and instant bonding following her "natural" births. She has therefore assumed that the medicalised birth caused the PND, struggled to bond, unhappy baby etc.

But the psychology behind depression is SO complicated, her conclusions are very simplistic.

FWIW I had one long induction and forceps with my first. She slept through the night first at about 18 months! She was a very sweet baby but for the first two months or so she wouldn't be put down so I carried her everywhere. Feeding was absolutely fine.

With my second it was a totally "natural" water birth in a maternity unit. He was a more chilled out baby and was happy to lie in his cot from day one (unlike my eldest). Feeding was harder though - we had issues with him latching on and it really bloomin hurt with him till at least 3 months in (as opposed to just being a bit uncomfortable with my eldest).

I know plenty of mums who had natural births and then the mum-baby pair found feeding difficult. I know plenty of of "assisted" births where breastfeeding was a doddle (I certainly found feeding easier with my "assisted birth" eldest).

Its really hard work with a baby - sleepless nights for nine months now. No wonder you are feeling ragged and down! Mine didn't sleep through till they were around 18 mths I don't think, in fact my "natural birth" youngest was more like 2 (even now at 3.3 he is not totally reliable!)

Be easy on yourself. Its normal that you are feeling down - its a really hard time of our life. And you feel something is missing - I think this is normal too - I don't think at any point with my children have I woken up and thought "Bliss! A day with my children!" (much as I love them to the ends of the earth!) I tend to wake up and sigh, "oh, another day of cleaning, feeding, wiping, washing, firefighting, tantrum taming, tidying (and laughs and giggles too!)" Perhaps you have very high expectations about what having a child should be like?

The reality is having kids is a mixed bag of joy and burden, both simultaneously. Me and DH are potentially having another following an "accident" on valentines day. I don't know whether to sob with dread or jump for joy!

Scotinoz · 01/03/2015 11:12

The majority of that article is utter twaddle.

For what it's worth, I was induced (my choice), had the injection for third stage, had a lovely medical delivery by OB etc etc. Baby breastfed until she self weaned at about eight months, she's a super wee girl, sleeps well etc. Husband and I seem none the worse for it either.

Baby 2 will be induced too (for slightly different reasons) and I've got no qualms about it.

Ignore the article - labour and delivery is what it is, however it happens.

squizita · 01/03/2015 12:12

Bumps yes the media pushes us to have extremely high expectations. .. and if we don't love every moment guilt ensues. A very toxic mix if you're already at risk of pnd.

I'm almost glad I've always had anxiety as at least I know it is what it is when I can't leave the house and worry my washing up will foster deadly germs... Grin

splendide · 01/03/2015 13:51

I had an amazing (as in I actually enjoyed the process) birth. At home, no interventions, no damage, very relaxed.

I've since had horrible feeding difficulties, huge problems with bonding, crippling PND and a complete loss of myself. I'm getting a little better now I think - he's 4 months.

But my point is that if I'd had a horrible birth I might have thought it was because of the experience but I'd have been wrong.

Butternutwash · 01/03/2015 19:49

Splendide, Thanks hope thing will pick up soon.

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