Politeness and manners

[Numbat]

26 months is easily early enough to learn the basic "please" and "thank you". These should just be a habit, you say please whenever you ask for something and thank you whenever someone gives you something.

Mooma, you make a good point about learning by imitation. So many parents order their children about, "Pass me that book!" "Put your shoes on", and then wonder why the little darlings haven't any manners!

We've been prompting our son for a while over please and thank you and its just becoming habit for him to say unprompted(he's two now). I don't think its ever too early to introduce politeness and manners.

Our son has just started imitating us saying 'bless you' when someone sneezes now - its very funny.

I thought my dd's nursery were a bit OTT when they always made a point of saying please and thank you to the babies. However, now I'm a very proud Mum of a very polite (nearly) 2 year old. Definitely a case of getting used to hearing and mimicing. There are a few little phrases I must utter with great regularity which are quite funny when I hear her saying 'oh dear' every time she drops something. Luckily she isn't yet copying her Dad everytime he says c**p, he didn't realise how often he said it until I started pointing it out to him every time!!

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I think politeness is really important, as it gives an easy entre into social situations. I have tried to teach my kids to be very polite and they still need a lot of promptings but are pretty good really. I have always thought it is nice for them to have good table manners as well, so that they can go to anyone's house and be a pleasure for them to have, and be invited again. I've just realised that sounds so old-fashioned! It includes things like not saying "yuk", but just leaving food .... to me it seems like part of consideration for other people, and I really try to get them to think of other people's feelings. My daughter who is 5, is going through a very cheeky phase, but underneath it she does care about people and tries hard to respect their feelings.

Don't you think manners should be caught, ie you are always polite so they are. Surely politness is an attitude rather than please and thankyou.
Children who say please may have no idea what it means - is this still polite?

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I think it's never too early to start with saying please, please may I, and thank you. I am appalled when I hear other adults asking for or taking things without common courtesies. I wonder how their children behave if they don't say these phrases themselves. My 2.1 year old says Sorry to the dog every time he bumps into her! She asks to leave the table and says thank you for her lunch etc, totally umprompted, because I started it as a baby. Manners cost nothing, but mean a lot to a lot of people, it means you care and show respect for each other. I adore going to Canada because they are so polite and genuinely mean it ( Unlike the americans who trot out the ubiquitous' have a nice day' without the slightest bit of sincerity. apologies to any americans on the site!) Thank you for reading this!

My little boy is only 19 months and he usually says "more please" (or "peas" would probably be more accurate). He clearly is not aware of exactly what please means but I am glad that he is getting into good habits already. He is also getting to grips with "Thank you" although struggling a bit with this, he sort of bobs his head and says "ungoo".
The under threes are so absorbant, it is the best time to get them started on good manners for the future. By learning these things almost unconciously they become part of their personality.

bugsy, i love the idea of absorbant under-threes - mine are older - please may i borrow yours next time i spill something?
thank you very much! :o)

Our little boy (23 months) has been using thankyou (well, taa actually) since he was about 19 months. This was by us saying "Taa" to him whenever he wanted something and we gave it to him. At about 21 months he started adding "please" (pease) to any requests. This was not prompted by us but he just started saying it of his own accord. I guess his parents, grandparents and carers must all have reasonable manners for him to pick this up. He also covers his mouth with his hand whenever he coughs or yawns (also completely unprompted) and has been doing so since about 18 months!

I love the idea of good manners being caught, not taught.

I think you may need to have to do both, though. We find that the children are polite erratically at home and apparently always away from home - we are often told how polite they are. Sometimes we can hardly believe this, but it comes from a whole range of people who can't all be imagining it. I'd like them to behave as well at home - but they have a different relationship with us ...

A very well known Northern saying is "good manners cost nowt" and I firmly believe that people always respond better to others who show them good manners. Children have to start somewhere and even if they don't understand the concept by the time they do it will be a positive habit they'll have developed which will stand them in good stead.Rightly or wrongly as parents we are judged by the behaviour of our children. I agree wholeheartedly with you,Kathmary and old fashioned or not I feel it's something that everyone should have!!! Just don't get me on about people who DROP LITTER in the streets for God's sake!
Anyway Aliceb I'd say start now.

I agree with the 'caught not taught' bit - our sons very early and quickly said 'thank you', but were slow to say 'please'. But when we considered our behaviour, we realised please wasn't a word we used very often to one another. Since then we have made a point of saying please, and the boys are doing so too.

I'm not convinced that it matters whether they really mean it. If they know they won't get it unless they say please, is just a good way of learning. A reluctant 'sorry' is better than no sorry at all, even for grown-ups. My youngest is almost 2, but at 18 mnth he often used to say 'excuse me' in a way that sounded like an insult, but it still comes across better than 'get out of the way', even though it means the same to him.

Ha ha Kmg - our son is currently saying "excuse me" in exactly the same way, but it is a big improvement on "move it". I agree about the meaningfulness of pease and fanks: we all have to say things we don't really mean ("I'd love to help out at the school fete"; "That is such a nice hat mother-in-law"), to oil the social wheels, so they might as well start really little with the basics. We make a big effort to use please and thank you with our son but find he is much better with thanks spontaneously than with please. Could this be because by then he has his hands on whatever it was he was after?

OK it's Friday lunch time and I don't have much to do so I'm probably causing trouble...but. What an odd thing to say, we must teach our children to lie. We all say things we don't mean - absolulty right - therefore we must teach our children to be insincere (spelling?). They should say please and thankyou even if they don't mean it. Is sorry OK if you don't mean it?

So a child who has no real remorse says sorry and it's ok.

Having said all this I'm teaching my little boy to be polite but I really do belive simply teaching the words is the tiny tip of the iceberg, and the bit we in this country are obsessed with.

Don't get me wrong I belive manners are very important, I just think there is a lot more to it than saying the words.

Batters, Snowy, I take your point. Maybe what we have to do is concentrate on showing children the difference between untruths/"insincere" politeness which spare other peoples' feelings, and a lie which covers up something wrong or bad. One sort of lying and insincerity by and large benefits individuals and the other sort doesn't (except maybe the liar...). I think some children as young as three can begin to tell which is which. A friend got her daughters to squeeze her hand when they wanted to ask her something about someone they were looking at (eg on the bus) and when they had got off, they would ask away and she would explain - also why they were right not to ask the question in front of the person. They were quite young when she set this up and it seems to have worked really well.

The general concensus seems to be that while we think young children are too young to understand social intricacies(?), we still teach them what is accepted as good manners. I really agree with this; as a teacher of nursery and reception aged children for about 10 years, it never failed to astound me how many children had absolutely no idea about even the concept of good manners. I really don't think it is part of a teacher's job to teach basic manners from scratch - it's something that should come from home. I teach my own children manners and would have been mortified if the eldest's teachers had had to do the job for me.
Good manners is all about being part of your own community and respecting others - what they do and how they feel. Surely, that can't be left to chance?

I feel that nowadays children are forced to grow up too quickly. As long as the child displays good manners by being well behaved I don't think it matters that they actually vocalise it till they can talk properly, probably around age 3. If some kids can say the right words before then, then fine but it shouldn't be a big issue. I am constantly surrounded by people talking about how clever their children are, how good they are at socialising, how independent they are etc etc at about a 18 months - which all seems to be that they are behaving more like adults than children.

My friend has recently stressed that her child "has come on a lot" because he goes to nursery full time. I feel that my boy is very naughty in comparison. At the end the day it doesn't matter - as they will all catch up with each other.

I feel myself that "please and thank you", cost you nothing, and both my kids have always been taught that. I always say please when asking for something and thank you when I receive it, it seems to me sometimes that people are shocked when please or thank you is said by either a child or an adult, don't know why this is, but I do say it myself and my kids do as well. Even if we are at friends houses they say please when they ask for juice, we've got 2 nieces aged 16 and 14 and they in my SIL and my opinion can be very rude even to their parents and us, although they don't get away with it! even at their aged I'm still taller than them!

My five year old son has just won a badge at school for being kind, and having good manners. That means more to me than any academic achievement. Being considerate, and polite gives you such a head start in life. He is popular at school, and the teachers like him. Other children are out of control, and making other pupil's lives a misery. I know which I prefer! It is never too soon to teach children manners and the results are worth every "Remember to say please" that you will have to say.