I have read disturbing information on daughter's Facebook message thread - what do I do?

[a30lady]

My 14 year old daughter is currently receiving help from CAMHS as she has severe self esteem issues (self harming, suicidal thoughts etc). so I have been monitoring her Facebook account and have come across several message threads containing very disturbing information, posted by members of the group thread (not by my daughter, but she is a member of the group - made of her peers - which is why I can see it when I am logged in as her). The messages between these other girls including information such as how many pills they have taken, how much vodka they have drunk, who has been buying cigarettes from whom, who has been stealing blades for cutting etc. The language in general is foul (c word, every other word is f-word etc) and the messages are continuing throughout the night, even on school nights. Some of the messages are very sinister, referring to 'suicide parties'.

I have tried to follow the Facebook links via my own account to report the content of these message threads to Facebook, but as I can't access these messages from my own account, I can't report them (and if I am logged in as my daughter the report will look like it is coming from her, which I can't risk her finding out).

I have the phone numbers of the mothers of some of these girls, but if I call them and they then tell their daughters that I have reported this issue, they will make my daughter's life hell (I know this from bitter experience, having reported a bullying episode previously).

My daughter has not contributed in any way to these discussions, but is part of the group and therefore exposed to their content (although I remove her phone at night so she is not kept awake by the constant messaging).

I have been in touch with the school, but there is little they can do as this happens outside school hours.

Any advice? Struggling to know what to do. Is this just a very toxic part of being a 14/15 year old girl now which I should ignore? I just feel I should be doing something about it.

I think you have to talk to your DD and try to convince her to hide this group - if she doesn't want a public falling out, she can block them (I think) without them knowing, rather than unjoining, IYSWIM. It must be horrendously worrying for you - I'm sorry, and I wish I could come up with some more useful advice.

I think the school are being pretty shit, though - they have a duty of care to these girls. Can you screen-print some of the messages and actually put them in front of the Year Head/pastoral person?

Do you have a CAMH's contact? I phoned them a few times about how to handle issues with my son when we were under their guidance. They were really good. They will no doubt have come across this before.

I don't have direct experience of similar but reading what you've written, your daughter is not involving herself in these conversations. Thats a positive. Could you have a more general conversation with her about how she feels about when those sort of conversations come up online?

I don't get face book as don't do it but would ds know that you can see this stuff?
Do you think she actually wants you to see it and discuss it?
I think id be inclined to tell her Id seen it and was glad she was staying out of it but that I was s bit concerned that it wasn't great for her to see given her previous concerns.

When you report on FB they contact you be email - there will be nothing actually on FB about the report. Do you know what email address she used to sign up to the account?

I reported stuff on DDs account without doing it directly from her account, I think I just gave details and it was removed without her knowing who had reported it.

I hope everyone is that group is ok. I would contact the Mums and just ask them not to say it came from you or your daughter. I know there is chance they would tell their daughters the source of the info. It is a chance I would have to take. How would you feel if something actually happened to one of the young people? I just couldn't take that risk.

I really, really would hope that if another parent found out my daughter was involved in such a group they would tell me.

You reported to the school that students are talking about suicide, stealing blades for cutting and appear to have mental health problems and they said there's nothing they can do? These girls sound like they need help and there are certainly things that the school can and should be doing. Who did you talk to at the school? Could you ask to speak to the child protection officer and make it clear you are concerned for the welfare of these girls? Screen shots are a good idea as then they have something concrete to go on.