9yo DS accused of having oral sex at school

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Hey all,

This relates to an incident that happened just before half term but the school only found out yesterday. The story is that DS1 was seen by another child receiving oral sex from a 10yo girl in the playground hidden behind a wall. This is a boy who is so self conscious that he protests at getting changed in front of his parents. The school called in DP yesterday to inform her that they are following 'due process' and will probably have to call the police over the matter.

Needless to say, I am livid over the whole matter. This is the sort of accusation that can stick and cause problems further down the road for DS1. The rumour mill has also already been in full swing and DS2 has been getting picked on over the matter (DS1 has been off school for 2 days after an injury at breakfast club on the first day back), as well as looks being given to DP.

We do not want to expose DS1 to the whole charade and so are going to the school today to inform them he will not be back until the situation is sorted out. We are also looking to get a public apology from the accusers for the trauma this has caused.

Of course your child is going to deny it - you are angry and they don't want to upset you. This is a trap that many abused children fall into and the reason why many abusers get away with it.

The young girl may be being abused herself and acting out with boys at school - you never know...

Could you not talk to your son and explain that even if it did happen, he hasn't done anything wrong, you just need to know the truth. Ask him what could have been happening that would make someone think otherwise.

There was a young girl at school with me who in her primary years would show boys her bits and touch them. The children in my class treated her like a bit of a joke. How I wish teachers had intervened - at 12 she was pregnant with her dad's child...

I think you should have every sympathy for the child who reported it, it is very likely they are being abused or inappropriately parented.

From all you've said of your son and the other girl it sounds as if it didn't happen. If he doesn't even know what oral sex is and is confused more than embarassed then really the school should be treating him and the girl as victims of the whole thing.

I realise youre worried and angry but are you sure they're not just following the procedures and not blaming him.

as LaurieFairyCake says, quite possibly this is more to do with the 'accuser/witness' and social services involvement will eventually be more focussed on them. think of it that way, stay calm, dont question or coach your ds in what to say, make sure safeguarding policies are followed

This is surely a safeguarding issue- your ds should certainly not have been in the meeting your Dp had with the school. There are very specific procedures that should be followed. It sounds from what you are saying the school isn't following them.

At 9yo your child would (should) be treated as a victim if anything did happen.

He is under the age of criminal responsibility.

For a rumour like this to start amongst that age group someone has been exposed to sexualised behaviour/images/something which is inappropriate. This needs to be investigated.

All the children involved need to be interviewed by an experienced team (usually 1 police officer & 1 child protection social worker).

Hopefully the matter will be resolved within a few weeks and a child that needs help/protection gets it.

So, your child was potentially sexually assaulted by another child. I'm not sure why he is being blamed at all tbh. There is no way he should have been in that meeting. School should be leaving it up to trained experts to establish the truth from all the children involved.
I understand why you want to keep him off school but that will show him that something is wrong and may increase any feelings of shame around the incident/accusation. I would try and keep things as normal as possible for him.

I don't think he is being "blamed" is he? The whole situation is being investigated. There are potentially 3 victims here..........

That sounds really awful. I think I'd be tempted to talk it over with the police. But would have to think about it first. Not sure if I'd entirely trust the schools investigation skills. I'd be concerned too that the child who said they witnessed the incident is a known troublemaker. It could be mischief making and now you have all this worry. No wonder you're furious. Hope it gets sorted out soon.

This is shocking, hopefully your meeting will shed some light on the situation.

The title "accused of having oral sex at school" and the tone of the OPs posts suggest that her DS has done something wrong and that he is being blamed.

Your son may not known what oral sex is, but he will understand a simpler explanation (eg girl licking his willy)

You need to tread very carefully here. You need to try and avoid your anger being related to the alleged sex act.

You need to make sure you dont inadvertently discourage your son from talking honestly to you about sexual things, and that your reactions dont teach your son that sex is bad, dirty, or shameful.

I agree that as horrible as it is to feel accused, the school & SS are duty bound to investigate as children of that age simply should not have oral sex on their radar.

If something of this nature did happen, it could mean that the girl is acting out something she is forced to do (or watch) elsewhere. As horrific as that thought is.

If the other child is completely making the event up (as children do of course), then the question needs to be asked as to how he knows about oral sex. It may be relatively innocent - e.g. the child has older siblings who have been discussing such matters rather too loudly/indiscreetly or it may be that the accusing child is being abused. Or allowed/made to watch completely inappropriate material.

I hope for everyone's sake that this is all sorted out very soon. It must be awful for you.

Co-operate and put aside your anger - at least one of these children is troubled and has had to grow up too fast. Bear in mind that my DD2 (7) watched Princess Diary a few weeks ago and exclaimed 'euurgh, Mum, they're sucking each other's lips off....' - it was the first time she'd seen a 'proper' kiss. Oral sex is not even in her universe, let alone her world. It just doesn't exist.

There are three children involved in this story and the school has to observe confidentiality and only discuss your child with you.

So the school have a duty to pass on the information that they have collected - that child a alleges that she witnessed DS1 receiving oral sex from girl x.

Personally, I don't think you should have been told who had alleged this activity. Even if the child is known for 'causing trouble' you shouldn't know that was the origin of the situation and it definitely shouldn't affect how this is managed.

The professionals now need to look at 3 scenarios:

a) Child a is troubled/has been exposed to sexual activity and needs some support.

b) Girl x is troubled/has been exposed to sexual activity and needs support.

DS1 has been assaulted (don't forget criminal responsibility kicks in at 10, although dealt with differently in most cases) so needs support.

Child a was absolutely right to report what they saw, whatever their motive for doing so.

c) DS1 is troubled/has been exposed to sexual activity and needs support.

Girl x has been assaulted, so needs support.

Child a was absolutely right to report what they saw, whatever their motive for doing so.

Whichever scenario has occurred, at least one child needs support. In fact, if it is a false allegation, your DS1 and the girl will need support anyway to overcome the impact of that.

I have two DSs (7 and 9) and there is no way they would know what oral sex is, the thought of even kissing is girl is beyond their comprehension and they make vomit sounds if they see two people kissing, and shiver at the thought of holding hand with a girl.

I completely feel for you op, I have no advice to give, except that you must, absolutely must keep your cool and use language that is not emotive, and not let yourself be carried away especially when you speak to the school/police. Keep a record of all the meetings try to take notes, ask for notes from the school if minutes are taken. Maybe you could ask for a third party to attend all meetings with head teacher? Also can you ask that the school governor who is responsible for child protection be present/informed?

How did the meeting go OP?

None of the children involved should be 'blamed' or chastised. It should be investigated sensibly and with sensitivity.

It could be innocent enough e.g. a child has learnt what oral sex is from an older sibling or such.

Or yes it's something more sinister, which needs dealt with.