Hi, I really apologise - this will be long!
I found out I was pregnant in 2005, a month after I split up with the father. I was only 18, ex didn't want anything to do with me, tried to talk me into having an abortion, pushed me over when I was pregnant to try and hurt DS, and eventually moved to Australia a month before my son was born.
During my pregnancy I started dating a lifelong friend, he was there when my son was born, we bought a flat and moved in together and he has always treated my son as his own. We had a daughter in 2007, got married in 2008 and had another son in 2011.
When DS1 was born I kept in contact with my ex's parents and brothers and they saw him every fortnight. I never heard from ex apart from angry text's about the fact he would have my surname, and that ex wouldn't be named on the birth certificate (not a lot I could do about that when he was on the other side of the world!) He has no parental responsibility and has never shown an interest in obtaining it.
Just before DS1's 2nd birthday in 2007 I got a call from ex's mum saying that he was coming back to England, to live with them (bringing his girlfriend) and wanted to see DS1. It was a bit of a shock as he had already extended his stay from 1 to 2yrs and no one thought he would come back at all.
We met first to discuss the situation. I obviously agreed that he could see him, but I didn't want my son to be confused so he agreed that he would be referred to as his name, my husband had already been called Daddy from the moment my son said his first word. Plus with another sibling already in the family I did not want to cause any more confusion (this has been discussed and agreed several times since). Money was never mentioned as I didn't think he would actually stick around.
I continued to visit his parents house every fortnight, and I stayed there while they spent time with him. Eventually it got to the point as he got older that ex would pick up DS1 mid morning on a Sunday and bring him back mid afternoon. He then started going for full days, and they would take him out etc. I have always spoken to DS1 about the fact that ex made him (that is why he has different colour eyes etc, right from when he was a teeny baby - I never wanted it to be a big secret) but Daddy was his daddy. As he has got older I have added more detail ('Mummy and ex used to be boyfriend and girlfriend' etc)
When he was about 4 he started staying there overnight every other Saturday. At 4.5 he was being picked up every other Saturday morning and dropped off on Sunday evening. At some point the girlfriend left him and moved out - the first I heard was my DS asking me if she was dead as he hadn't seen her for ages! No one had told me, or explained the situation to him and he was very upset as he was fond of her (she was lovely, I still keep her updated on DS now.)
Ex got a new (not-so-lovely) girlfriend, started being really late picking him up and was spotted on more than one occasion out clubbing, so drunk he couldn't stand up, on the nights he was supposed to be responsible for my son. He would leave DS with his parents on a Saturday evening before bedtime, and not return until it was almost time to bring him home on Sunday. DS started bedwetting there (after being dry from age 3) and after a few weeks he also started wetting at home. He started coming home angry, lashing out at his sister and Monday's were horrendous. He was allowed to stay up far too late there, and everything was done for him (not even expected, or allowed, to help put away his toys) He didn't (and still doesn't) like having to share and help at home. He hated the girlfriend and she didn't like DS. Eventually he ditched the awful girlfriend and found a really fantastic girl, who he is now engaged to.
DD and DS2 don't think it's fair that he gets to go and do fun stuff with ex, and DS1 goes absolutely mad at us if we have been out and done something without him at the weekend (even if it's just a McDonalds, or going to the park - while at the same time he might have gone to a theme park and eaten at a proper restaurant!) It's causing huge problems in our home and ex's answer is to ask DS1 to lie to his siblings about what they have done.
We were all getting on well, up until December. As I was tidying up after DS 9th birthday I found a card 'love from Dad & ....' I text asking why he had written that after agreeing he would only use his name. Ex replied that he had been writing that for years and the card was supposed to stay at their house so I wouldn't see... After further discussion I found out that his extended family (not parents or brothers) refer to him as dad too, and that apparently whenever they leave the house someone asks him if DS is his son. He blames me for making DS confused (although I have done my best to explain in an age-appropriate way, without going into the full details of sex, or that ex wasn't there for 2yrs) He made me feel like an absolute failure, when he has been going behind my back and confusing DS for years. I am sure his bad behaviour (and possibly bedwetting) is related to this, I think he feels pushed out of our family.
I sat DS down and explained (without bad-mouthing ex) that we were boyfriend and girlfriend but broke up, and then I found out that he was in my tummy because we had loved each other very much. I explained that ex went away for a while and Mummy and Daddy had DD and got married, but then he came back and I wanted DS to know him and that's why ex takes him out. I asked him if he wanted to call ex Daddy and he said 'no, he is only the making sort of dad, I have my Daddy' - I said that he could call ex Dad if he wanted but he said no.
We met with ex before Christmas and he could barely control his temper, had drunk 3 pints before we even arrived and was absolutely rude to me, accusing me of not telling him the truth. Apparently what I said wasn't good enough? I told him I would not refer to his absence as 'a mistake', I just told DS neutrally and didn't make it out to be either good or bad. We get along fine in front of the children, and they always make an effort to stay for half an hour to play with DD and DS2. Money was also discussed (ex is not impressed that DS sometimes has my cousin's hand me downs, or that I can't afford to get his hair cut every 4 weeks, or buy him brand new trainers the minute his start looking worn) but he has not worked it out via the CSA calculator yet. He has only ever paid for the odd haircut or tshirt, and half of his 4th birthday party.
I have also said they can't take him on holiday abroad this year - last year they went to France for a week, which I was not happy with, but gave in to ex's whinging (and put up with DD crying and whinging all week because it wasn't fair he got to go on holiday - we can't afford it.)
Before all this kicked off, I was going to ask him if we could stop the overnight stays for a while to try and combat the bedwetting, on the advice of a doctor, as a last attempt before further treatment (we have tried lifting him to the toilet, restricting drinks in the evening, an alarm etc). He improves hugely between visits but then deteriorates after. I had discussed this with DS1 and he thought it would be good to try. Unfortunately I mentioned it at 'the meeting' and ex is now seeing it as me trying to punish him - it is not that at all. He hasn't stayed there since just after Christmas, and his behaviour is massively improved the majority of the time and all 3 children are getting along better. Bedwetting is still a problem but he is only wetting once a night, if that. He is having far more dry nights than he has in years. He still sees ex every other week, on both Saturday and Sunday 9am-7.30pm, the only difference is that he is coming home in between. I believe that this is stopping him feeling so 'pushed out' of our own family.
Ex has called another meeting as I am apparently confusing DS1 even more (even though he knows why he's not staying there - he has been given the option but is determined to conquer the wetting, he is honestly not fussed at all that he isn't sleeping there) Ex has accused me of removing DS1's stability and is demanding overnight stays again.
I really don't know what to do now. I am totally fed up with the situation, and with him speaking to me the way he does. I have never once stopped him seeing DS, I have given in to so many things over the years (which has often caused arguments with my husband). He refuses to listen to what I say and thinks he knows my son better than I do. I feel like I have messed up my son's entire life by making the decision to keep him :(
This is ridiculously long, I'm so sorry - I doubt anyone will make it this far but it feels so much better to get it out :( Am I being mean to stop the overnight stays temporarily? Can I explain the situation to DS in a better way? Have I ruined everything?