What can I expect from a social services visit?

[MummySparkle]

They are coming tomorrow. It's all my fault and I'm petrified :(

Thank you. Sorry. I just don't know how to forgive myself for this. I can feel an angry empty black knot of guilt and hatred and pure disgust swirling inside me. And it won't go away.

I was feeling a bit better this morning, I did some crochet and had a nice chilled brunch with DD. Then I saw DS's arms and I feel utterly hideous again. I'm really not sure how to move on. OH has been saying 'just draw a line under it, we can't change it now, make sure it never ever happens again' but it's not that easy to just draw a line and forget about it.

OH doesn't think I should accept help from social services. He wants me to pretend to them that everything is fine and dandy and I'm coping. So I still don't have any support. I feel so isolated. I've registered with the GP, but they say it will take up to a month to process. The doctor I see from the mental health team is on leave for a few weeks. And OH doesn't want me to confide in anyone who has contact with the children. If they start digging into our past they will use any teeny little thing to take the children away. So I'm stuck, pretending to the world that life is perfect, when actually I'm falls by apart.

Re meds, I have a reminder on my phone, but if I'm busy with DD when it goes off then I quite often forget anyway. OH has been reminding me, which is helping. I know my thyroid levels are wrong, but again I need to wait for a new GP so they can order a blood test. So I just have to hang on

How old is your little one?
You need to accept all the help that's offered so this never happens again, not pretend all is fine if it really isn't.
Does your mother in law / your parents know what's happened?

Contrary to popular opinion, social workers really don't want to remove children unless they absolutely have to, to protect the children. They would much rather work with you and then hopefully help you manage on your own eventually.

Your OH is being very foolish to suggest you cover thing up and hide things from SS. Take the help offered and be honest. Who you discuss things with outside of that is up to you - if in doubt ask the social services representative what they think.

Please do try and forgive yourself. Everyone can make a mistake and lose control - you have owned up to it and are working to change things. That's a really positive move. When you remember the moment or see the bruises, remind yourself that you're changing what you do and trying to fix things. If you constantly beat yourself up about it you can't properly move on.

I think you need to rethink your priorities here. If the alarm goes, don't carry on unless it's life or death, take the meds. If the help has been offered, take it and prove you can manage and get signed off. If you refuse help that's going to look odd. I know it's hard but you have to think long term. What do you mean. About digging into your past? Is that paranoia or a real risk?

MIL knows everything. She was there at the meeting with us. My parents I think know, but they're useless. My mum is emotionally abusive. I was sectioned as a teenager and I have a long history of mental health problems. They probably don't paint a great picture of me. OH had a colourful past too, and also suffers from anxiety. On paper we probably throw up quite a few red flags.

I'm usually feeding DD when my meds alarm goes off. It's not life or death, but if I move about when she's almost asleep in he. She wakes up again and then bedtime takes a whole lot longer. What I should do is set a sleep timer to go off every 15mibs until I've taken them. I'll figure that out now. I know OH is worrying somewhat. But if I tell SS that I battle with graphic visions of hurting my children on a daily basis, it really doesn't doubd good. I wish someone would take me away for a while

I think you need to talk to a mental health professional about the thoughts to do with harming your children. That is part of the PND (it's part of the illness, not part of you) and it needs treating. Can you speak to someone about getting an appointment as soon as possible?

Thoughts are just thoughts no matter how scary they are, it's what you're doing that's important. Keep making the right decisions and things will improve.

I really don't know where to start re:getting an appointment ASAP. There's nothing MIMHS can do until the Dr is back from leave. My old area team won't see me because I live too far away. But they can't refer me until I have a GP. The social worker said she would try and chase up the GP surgery to do me as a priority. So fingers crossed. If the thoughts get worse I might have to take myself up to the hospital and ask for a psych assessment. That generally involves a 6+HR wait in A&E though and that's something I'd rather not repeat. I missed my one support group this week as it was on at the same time as the social worker came. It seems a long time to next Tuesday. Hopefully work tomorrow will distract me

You know mencap have a helpline if you are really stuck (I'm sure it's mencap). I really feel for you, you aren't alone in battling mental health issues . Do set the sleep timer and do think about the benefit you could get from having some breathing space from the help fromsocial services.

*PND support group

SS are coming again next Thursday, so I'll see how I feel then. I'll ask my family support worker what it all means, I'm seeing her on Tuesday.

I'll look into the mencap helpline. I don't know whether mental health matters still run their helpline, I've called them in the past and they have been helpful. Really I need a complete MOT, blood tests, meds review, the full works.

Right now I'm going to look at some positives. I'm snuggled up in bed on my nice comfy mattress with OH cuddling me and I'm face-to-face with DD. She still has a hint of new baby smell about her despite being almost 9months. I can hear her breathing and that's reassuring. DS seems completely unaffected mentally (thank God) and is conked out in his bed. He is 2, and I know in a few hours he will come and climb into our bed too: and it will be a total pain because I end up with only 6 inches of bed, but an absolute joy to be cuddled up to all of the important people in my life. The dog likes to sneak onto the bed for a midnight cuddle too bless him x

www.mind.org.uk

It's Mind, sorry. Not mencap.
Focus on the small stuff - safe and warm and together tonight.

That's brilliant. You are doing so well. Keep counting your blessings. I find it helps to write them down before bed, daily gratitudes.
Please accept help offered by SS. They do not want to take your children away and they will be suspicious if you don't accept help.

Thank you Nerf and YouAreMyRain [flower]

I've just got home from work & watching OH with the kids. He's been at home with them all day and he loves it. He's so much better at it than me. He keeps saying 'I don't understand why you find it so hard' to me. Well me neither.

I've just got home from work and I'm utterly exhausted. I could probably sleep right through til morning. I Just feel hollow today. And it's pants. Pants pants pants.

Oh sweetie - stop being so hard on yourself.

No 2 people parent exactly the same way - and whilst your dh is great at some things, there are bound to be things that you do better. It's not a case of finding being a parent hard, we all adjust to it at different rates. My dh was useless when the kids were little - but he's come into his own now they are older, I find it much harder now than when they were little.

Don't try and "measure up" to your OH - you are a parenting team, you complement each other.

Try and get some sleep, early night if possible. Exhaustion clouds and affects absolutely everything you do - how you see it / react / what you say & think. Don't underestimate how much rest you need. You have 2 children under 3, and are working, have just moved and have some health problems that are not well controlled.

Be kind to yourself and take any help that is offered.

Don't be too hard on yourself, the fact that you feel guilty means you are a good person & a loving Mummy X

I was watching DS wrestling with DogDog earlier. Turns out the dog gently bites his arms when he wants him to stop. Some of the bruises look like they were from DogDog. Still not good, we will have to keep an eye on the pair of them, but at least they weren't all me :/

I went for a run this afternoon. Not far, and not fast, but it was nice to have some time alone with my feet and some music to drown out everything else in my head for a while. Not sure it's helped long-term, now My legs hurt as well as my head! But at least I've achieved something. And DogDog had fun too.

I will accept the help that the offer. And I will enhance with people and say I'm struggling. I might save the 'graphic thoughts of hurting my children' for the MH professionals instead of the social workers though.

It's times like these I wish I could be back in a psych hospital. I hated it before, but now I know that if I engaged for a week or two it would be really beneficial.

*engage not enhance

Fat fingers + small phone = frequent typos!

How are things going Sparkle ?

I hope that you are feeling a little better?

Have you been able to stop ds winding the dog up?

My ds2 was laying all over our boy dog today - it's a good job he is stupid (the dog, not ds ) and sees all human contact as a good thing!

I think that's really sensible actually, admitting you are struggling and receiving mental health support is a good idea but the actual details aren't necessary and the SW won't be trained up necessarily to do much more than refer you and you don't want the stress of worrying how they've taken it. I have only shared what I need to and it's fine.

AAMF, your dog sounds a lot like my dog! Ours is pretty dim and sees almost all human contact as a good thing. I don't think he realises that he is hurting DS, and DS keeps poking, prodding, pulling at him relentlessly. That makes me sound like we need reporting to the RSPCA too! Most of the time DS is actually really sweet to DogDog and strokes him and gives him kisses and cuddles.

I'm doing okay. I went to the pub with some of my work colleagues on Friday. It was nice to do a normal sort of thing with adult company. Although I have been smoking again recently :/

Today I am tired. We've tried to have a nice day as a family, and it has been. But it's also been a long and stressful week and all of us are tired.

I've decided to cut my mum out of my life for a bit. I feel bad, but right now I need time and space to heal myself. And I need to minimise any stress that I can. Whether she accepts it or not she makes me very stressed, and I need a break from that. Unfortunately I've had my grandmother calling me with a million and one questions, and that was hard to go into. Grandma doesn't believe me that a lot of my MH issues are because of mum :(

I've had a couple of brain flips today. As soon as the children start whinging I just can't take it. I used to be able to let it wash over me, but at the moment every little noise is like a punch in the face and I just start shouting at them. OH has been good at telling me to step back and take a breather. And distracting the DCs whilst I spend a minute or two getting my head in order.

Oh and we now have the added stress that my coil fell out last night. I don't know how long it's been dislodged for and now I swear I have all of the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I'm worrying over nothing, because I always worst-case-scenario things. Another reason that I hatemy stupid brain.

OP please be open and honest with SS and take the help they offer.

I came onto their radar when DS was born because I am autistic and a new over enthusiastic adult services social worker didn't understand what that meant. The social worker from children's services told me that the reason they could happily walk away and close the file was because they knew from talking to me, my HV, MW and OT that I was very open about what I found difficult and was the type of person to accept any help going if I needed it. They saw that if I was struggling with DS I'd be the first person banging on their door asking for help.

Willingness to engage with them is massively important. Secrecy and 'going it alone' will lead to suspicion and more involvement from them than you may actually need.

Thanks Hedgehog I'm somewhere in the middle of a long waiting list to be seen by adult autism services.

I am going to be open with them. I will tell them that I've been struggling with myself, and that I'm finding it hard to give the DCs as much positive attention as they need / deserve at the moment. And that im feeling lonely and a bit isolated since the move. And I'll let them know that my PND is bad at the moment and is really like to be seen by a MH professional ASAP. But as nerf pointed out, they probably aren't trained to deal with severe MH issues and can't do anything To help medication-wise anyway. Not that I want more meds, I hate that I have to take regular medication to be able to function like a normal human being. But I need to be a mum for my children. Mums are supposed to be dependable and strong, the anchor in a storm. If medication can get me a little closer to being there, then that's what it will have to be.

It's still 2 and a half weeks til my appointment with the PND team. That feels like an incredibly long time

It makes me so angry when I read posts like yours. You're ill and your screaming out for help but what little is available is rubbish. Don't ever think you are failing your children. You're not. The health service is failing you and your children. You are doing your best to keep it together in extremely difficult circumstances.

I thank god that we emigrated to a country where mental health is taken seriously and genuine support services are available.

Thank you for your kind words hedgehog sometimes it feels very hard to get worthwhile MH support in the UK. "Despite the consultant telling us that CBT will not be beneficial for you, we can offer you CBT over the phone?" - I've had that in the past :0

I've been really struggling today. The morning was good, but I've been alone with the DCs since 1. OH has been blasting bicycles in the garage with a friend of his. I was starting to get to the end of my tether when he came back in, to announce he was "going out to halfords, back in an hour" despite me telling him I was struggling, couldn't cope and I didn't want him to go. He refused to take either of the DCs.

DS then kicked DD in the head, he's also bitten me today. So I decided to take them for a drive. Turns out OH has taken my fecking car to halfords. I'M livid and exhausted. I've taken his car. I'm currently sitting outside Halfords. DD has fallen asleep, DS is still whinging. I don't know what to do

Hello all
Apologies I've been off air for a while but you may remember I was going through some major stuff at home.
I haven't caught up on all posts Il sorry as just out of hospital (an on the side weeny (major) heart issue ) ..... seriously though my life is drama free almost always so this last three months can just do one 🤣
Anyway thank you so much to @EastCoastDamsel
@WendyWagon
@ShyMaryEllen
@REP22
@Middlemarch123
@BlueLightBetty
for all your lovely words of support recently. Sorry if I missed anyone x
I didn't reply at the time sorry I'm sorry as it's just been the worst time ever ever ever BUT (drum roll happening in my head) I'm 50 days AF !!!
I haven't had a drop throughout x
Have stuck with good old Earl Grey, Yorkshire brew and Chia.
@REP22 I loved your saying and will share for others again if thats okay:
"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water"
Wow this is brilliant thank you
For various reasons I have never had to be so strong for my beautiful amazing family and this group and your continued support and motivation is priceless.
Thank you so much x