Baby whisperer, is she right?!

[Naomip88]

hello! I have a three week old dd and since I started to notice she was constantly wanting to be fed and doesn't like being put down in her co sleeper cot or Moses basket I decided to read the baby whisperer book on a friends recommendation and I am now feeling confused and like I'm already getting it wrong! We have had various b feeding issues and it's been a struggle to ebf ( I'm feeding via a mixture of expressing and currently trying to wean off nipple shields) . But now to add to the mix I'm worried that we're already using 'accidental parenting'! I have no idea how my dd fits in her baby type system and feel bad because she sometimes sleeps in our bed, she's feeding on demand ( which doesn't fit with the easy routine) and I feed her to sleep or let her fall asleep ( or dance her to music as she seems to love that!) in our arms because it's the only way she'll settle.i had assumed getting her into good habits and a routine could wait till the 2 month mark but this has made me feel already failing. What have been your experiences with this book?

I picked up bw to read about pick up put down with dd2 as having a few issues at night (all sorted now but not by bw).

I instantly started to feel crap as it told me I had to change her whole day time. She wasn't sleeping long enough, feeding too often (didn't tell me how though).

Cue panic , guilt when I only wanted some ideas about self settling. Dh reminded this was the effect of the book with dd1.

I think she over complicates things, 4 types of baby my arse. She maybe has some good ideas but then makes stuff up to pad out book.

When my dd was 2/3 weeks she seemed to go through a week long growth spurt of feeding every hour in the day (although she has always given us one 4 hr sleep at night) the idea of imposing a routine onto that was ridiculous. She's now 7 weeks and just coming out of another growth spurt.
You can't be too precious about routines when they are tiny, they are just growing and learning so fast its all so unsettling for them. Remember growing pains as a teen? Imagine what it's like for a baby! No wonder they want cuddles all the time!
Dd is my pfb so I have no experience of when a routine might be achievable, I was going to keep an eye on her naps once this growth spurt is over and see if she has her own pattern I can try and encourage.
Enjoy your baby, bf sounds hard for you at the moment, feel proud of yourself for sticking with it and don't let any person or book make you feel guilty!!

My dc got into their own routines in their own time. I was very much an accidental parent! I fed on demand, co slept, no set bed time. It took the pressure off and I could enjoy my babies.

Throw the book away. You're the mum, you know your baby.

Don't read the books.

One might work with your baby, but they are all different and are guaranteed to make you feel awful unless you're lucky enough to get the right book the first time. And it sounds like you didn't.

As long as you and baby are happy, you're doing it right.

I'm in the burn it camp :) some of the advice in there might be ok but the stuff about there being 4 types of babies is just horrid, I always feel for parents and babies reading that bit and deciding their child is difficult then parenting them that way, self fulfilling prophecy! It really knocked my confidence reading her book when my baby was small.
Every parent does some flexible responsive parenting where you end up doing something you hadn't planned in order to survive :) it isn't easy having a young baby even though it is very wonderful :) If you do want to read baby books something more gentle (and with someone who has actually studied children as an author!) are the Penelope leach books, the gentle parenting books like baby calm are ok too but you might still end up feeling bad as sometimes it's not achievable to sling/cosleep 24 hrs a day. So be kind to yourself and do take everything you read with a pinch of salt because every baby is different and different things work for every mum too.
Enjoy these precious weeks, the days are long mama but the years are very short xxx

Feeding your baby to sleep is one of those parenting book no-nos (except the attachment parenting type ones) and I don't see why. Breastmilk produced in the evening is DESIGNED to be sleep-inducing. It's as nature intended, surely.

Both my babies learned to stop relying on being fed to sleep all by themselves. They just reached an age where they could stay awake after a feed and so they came to stop relying on it.

I fed to sleep both my boys and fed on demand. Neither resorted to dummies or thumb sucking, presumably because their suckle needs were met. It might not have anything to do with it but surely dummies and thumbs are turned to as substitutes when desperate. I did offer a dummy during some dark times of 3hr suckle-athons but both refused them.

Feeding to sleep is normal, natural and done all around the world. Both my boys are now brilliant sleepers at 2.5y and 10m.

Nutella yes and they don't always rely on it even when small. When my mum visits and puts my baby down for a nap, she gives a gentle rock and shh shh and she drifts off. When we're out with the pram or sling she zonks out too. So clearly feeding her at bed time doesn't mean she cannot sleep otherwise!
To me, knowing that putting a boob in her face at 7.30pm means she's out till midnight is a great "routine" ... far more predictable than following rules which don't always work.

Although mine will smilingly come off the breast and pop her thumb in her mouth, even though I'm offering the breast still.

The first think I ask myself when I read these books is Does it make sense. This book doesn't make sense. As others have said, BF induces sleep and her pattern of feeding, playing, sleeping is opposite to what every baby wants to do, and I think that these books make a lot of money out of exploiting insecurities. This thing about accidental parenting is utter rubbish. Do not feel guilty because you are improvising, just relax and enjoy your baby.

Just to add my voice to the 'burn the book!' chorus...

DD is 12mo and over the course of her life, she has been in many routines, none of them enforced by me. There is just no point at all getting stressed out about whether they are eating, sleeping etc at the 'right' time because, give it a month and that right time will be a different time.

But the BW would hate me, I'm still feeding DD to sleep and adore doing it.

And well done on sticking to breastfeeding. The early days can be very tough but the payoff is enormous!

Buggerlugs Of course, the solution was to throw the book off a bridge (just one with a river underneath so as not to hit anyone).

It's a horrid, horrid book IMO.

I'm not a Gina fan, but at least she just says "do this at 8.02 am". There isn't quite the emotional baggage.

I think it is different strokes for different folks (and different babies).

I loved the baby whisperer books, DD was in a solid routine and sleeping through the night by 8 weeks. I do think you need to adapt any suggested routine or plan to suit your baby. IMO it is a combination between having a plan and following your instincts. BUT everyone is different.

squizita cute about her thumb sucking anyway haha. I hope you weren't offended.

I think you should take the bits that work for you from any book and ignore the bits that don't. My EBF baby weirdly did fit into the EASY routine early on, just out of pure luck I think, but from about 4 months we've had to reverse it as he will now only feed in a quiet dark environment and feeding is the only thing that calms him down enough to sleep (think, wind up toy on speed. I've been known to have to hold arms and legs down to get him to stop moving enough to sleep). The result is he won't feed to sleep, but he does need a dummy, which is also a sleep prop, so I'm not sure we gained much by not feeding him to sleep. The BW breast feeding advice is complete rubbish and I ignored it, but I think the concept of having them sleep regularly every 2 hrs or so, is good - but by no means a BW invention. So yeah, by all means take on board the bits that make sense and work for you, and ignore the bits that don't!

Nutella I'm just offended that she's started treating me like a hotel long before teenage hood!
Next she'll be making it clear slings are just handy for travelling from a to b ... none of this comfort nonsense. She's Ard as nails!

3 weeks is so tiny, there is no need to be worrying about routines and parenting styles.

I find books are just far too rigid in their advice, no one baby is the same and your instincts are the best thing to go with. I did ask for help with daytime naps from the blissful baby expert but my lo is 5 months. Basically all I needed was a bit of help on the timing of them, I took what worked for me and lo then ignored the rest.

Ignore the book and enjoy your lovely new baby

Agree with all those who have suggested that you ditch the book.

I was the same and wondered what the hell i was doing wrong. Ds guzzled milk for England (he was a very hungry breasfed boy) and slept whenever he wanted to without rhyme or reason. I ditched the book, listened to my own instinct and my baby and instantly felt like a successful mummy. Ds was happy, i was happy. And fwiw i co-slept with ds on my chest until he was around 12 weeks as he was so uncomfortable on his back and none of us was sleeping. Read the guidance, do it safely and it's a great way to ensure you stay sane. Also fwiw I found all of that 'making a rod for your own back' an utter crock of crap. Since the day i started listening to ds' s needs i was rewarded with a happy little boy who has always slept brilliantly. Ime they get there in their own time and you'll begin knowing when it's right to encourage your lo in the right direction. It's different for each baby. Congratulations and enjoy your dd without the guilt!

another burn it vote. it made me anxious and full of self-doubt and that alone should tell you that this is a crappy book. You job is to learn who your baby is and what kind of parent you are and grow in confidence with that. I actually feel so strongly about this I threw the book in the rubbish rather than risk inflicting it on anyone else via a charity shop etc. Grrrrr!

I did all the "accidental parenting" stuff you are describing eg feeding on demand, rocking or feeding to sleep, using every prop under the sun....but at 4 months my baby started self soothing after a teeny bit of fussing she fell asleep on her own. It just took time and patience and kept trying until she was ready...if she was screaming her head off I'd go back to feeding her or rocking her and try again putting her down awake but drowsy the next week. Or making sure she wakes up a little bit as I put her into her cot so she knows she's going in there so she doesn't get a shock when she wakes up out of my arms. Trust me we did everything that people say you shouldn't do cos it'll 'spoil' a baby (impossible with a newborn) and my DD was SO demanding and high needs as a newborn - I'm talking, straight jacket swaddle, maniacally bouncing on the pilates ball whilst singing to her to get her to sleep. Then if you even thought about stopping bouncing she'd wake up. Screamed her head off in the pram and the carseat. Never wanted to be put down. Fed every 2 hours all day. That was the extreme at the beginning but now she's 7 months old and is feeding every 4 hours as she cut her milk feeds to that about a month ago when she started getting more solids and being more independent, she falls asleep on her own for all naps, she settles well at night and sometimes settles herself at night. And she is a happy healthy 'unspoilt' baby. Please don't stress about what everyone says you 'should' be doing, (wish I hadn't it made me really down when I was comparing my baby to the baby in the books or other people's babies) Just enjoy your newborn and all the cuddles, everything changes so fast.