Mother-in-law - what do I tell her?

[Millieash]

Hi all, I need some advice! In a bit of a sticky situation. DD is 17 weeks old now and my mother-in-law usually babysits on a Thursday evening while I go to the gym. However DD is currently going through a phase of screaming from 7pm until she falls asleep which could be anywhere between 10pm - 1am! So I've started a very strict routine in the evenings and stopped going to the gym because I don't feel that mother-in-law follows it as strictly as I do. (Had reports back from daddy that when he got home, she was sitting on Grandad's lap crying at 9pm in the livingroom and not up in her bedroom).

Anyway, mother-in-law still wants to come over for cuddles but has a really nasty cold, she says her skin is burning and she aches all over. Last week I said no, today she texted me saying still ill but not as bad as last week and can she come over because she "needs" a cuddle & misses baby.

I've said no but I feel awful, am I being too paranoid? What can I do/say to make it sound less harsh?!

Thanks
Millie xx

As long as she has symptoms, she's contagious. I would (politely), keep her away for now. Could you suggest going for a walk together so she can "see" LO but not actually cuddle? I would play along a little and say "oh DD is missing you so much too, but she doesn't want to be poorly, especially with how fractious she's been in the evenings" etc.

As for the routine...it's hard. Does the room she's kn make a huge difference? We rigidly stuck to "bedroom only" for a few weeks and then realised we were bored to tears, so sat downstairs where we at least had the telly to entertain us.

Have you looked at why she's crying so much? I don't know, but I thought the evening cranky bit sort of stopped around 12 weeks? Could there be something underlying that's bothering her?

I think GPs should respectfully follow a parent's wishes, offering advice when it's asked for and at no other times. How you tell her this without hurting her feelings is another matter. It's great that she's so involved and happy to help out. I might just take the chance to go to the gym to be honest, you need a break too.

I'd be really sympathetic about her cold, and lay it on thick. Then just gently say that you might be a bit over protective, but you're sure she understands, and you just want to do what's best for baby so it might be best if she steers clear till the germs are gone. Then ask if your can send her some new pictures of the baby? Be nice, but firm. This is your call.

As to the evenings, are you OK not going to the gym? It sounds like you can either forego it, and baby might not sleep anyway, or have a conversation with the PILs about following your routine. Sounds like they might just be overexcited, in which case I'd user very different tactics than if they were being deliberately obstructive.

I'd just keep using the line; "I know how much you love baby xx, and you want to do what's best for her, so this is what we'll do..."

Hey girls,

Thanks for the advice. She has agreed to leave it a few days before having cuddles, going for a walk is a good idea, especially now the weather is nice!

I think she's cranky in the evenings because she's overtired, I have real trouble getting her to nap for longer than half an hour during the day and even then I have to drive her/walk her around. We keep moving bedtime routine earlier and earlier bit last night she had such terrible wind, her rumbling tummy was so loud it woke me up! ?? trying again tonight. Any advice on how to make her nap longer? My mum just says "well you never napped very long either" but I can tell she's still tired when she wakes up ??

Oh and when I say half hour nap, I mean half an hour per nap!! Not just one half hour nap all day!! She has about three, so she's only getting about an hour and a half total nap time all day!

Are you sure she's not hungry? Babies often cluster feed in the eves.

On the nap front, DD2 was a cat-napper and at that age was into the 30 minute thing badly. I tried everything I could think of to make her sleep longer but it rarely worked. However I did always make sure she had 4 of these short naps each day and that was just enough to keep her cheerful and OK about going to bed at night (at 7pm from about 8 wks).

Thankfully when she got to 5 months or so she suddenly started napping for longer without me doing anything different. So based on that experience I would advise not trying to do much differentother than tryand get in another nap.

Hi Bert2e

Don't think she's hungry as she feeds until she doesn't want any more before her bath & then after her bath. Then we have a story and she sits between my legs & usually turns around when she's hungry, so feed her again and she falls asleep, so I burp and put her down and she stays for a few minutes and that's when the screaming starts and we try a combination of gripe water, feeding, patting, rocking and nothing seems to settle her and she just wears herself out from screaming in the end..

Thanks for the advice Missmidden, think I'll try squeezing another nap in!!

I'm trying to remember back to my baby at 17 weeks and I don't think I put her to bed for the night until quite late, maybe 9 or 10pm?

I vaguely remember bedtimes being a moveable thing until around 10 months when DD settled on a 7pm bedtime and became monstrous if she stayed up past that :-)

Hope this phase passes quickly for you, a crying baby all night is no fun.

Nap wise, at that age my DS stopped napping well. I found I could get a nice long nap out of him if he slept on me. That way I could resettle him past the 35-45 minute stirring phase of his sleep cycle by rocking, shushing etc. If he was in his cot, he'd wake up in this light state, and usually not go back to sleep if I wasn't there. 4 months can be an awful time for sleeping, previously routine babies can go a bit crazy! If you could get one longer midday nap holding DD, and a short morning and afternoon one, that would help her last happily until bed? With my DS that screaming was always over-tiredness and he could go 2 hours tops between naps before he was very upset. So maybe a nap between 4-5 for a 7pm bed?

Otherwise I think you just have to ask GP to do the bedtime as you have asked. I can see why she would have DD with her in the living room if she was crying, she was probably trying to distract her. I'm not sure a day or so out of a regular routine would make a huge difference (DS has always adapted fine to some changes when we've stayed elsewhere) but if it's what you want, you should ask for it.