3 year old and awful behaviour

[sugarplumfairy28]

I realise that this might not be the best place for me to be posting as we emigrated last year, however I need advice from people whose language I can speak and understand.

My 3 year little girl is strong willed to say the least, she is stubborn, doesn't much like mixing with other children and would rather be around adults. She plays wonderfully on her own or with 1 or 2 people, she can be very caring and attentive, rarely have to ask for an apology if she's been naughty. In England she used to go to Nursery 1 morning a week like an angel, we upped this to 3 mornings and she got very upset, and started playing up at Nursery, this coincided with our son starting school and moving house, so we went back to 1 morning.

We now live in Germany and both her and her 6 year old brother attend Kindergarten. Most of the 'teachers' speak just German although each of them has one teacher who speaks some English. Our daughter has just turned in to a monster, she will lash out at other children and adults, she doesn't like group activities, she won't eat and will spend great periods crying, screaming or shouting.

My parents live in a flat under our house, however neither have been willing to offer any advice other than "you should have nipped this in the bud" my husband works full time and isn't a great ideas man. I think this week here is half term too, but Kindergarten don't seem to have the same 'terms' and there is no break. In light of this and the prospect of them attending Kindy every day until April (since the beginning of Jan), I have decided to cut our daughters days from 5 to 3. The lady at Kindergarten seemed confused about my reasons and my parents seem a little annoyed at my decision. Have I done the right thing? I don't want her to feel abandoned, or overwhelmed with the changes in moving.

Your poor little girl must be extremely stressed and confused.
I think you have done exactly the right thing.

I can't imagine anything worse than having to go to a group activity every day in a strange country where I couldn't understand what was going on, having been uprooted from everything that represented security and safety.

Moving anywhere is very hard for a 3 year old, let alone to another country with a different language.

She is not a monster - she is a very small child expressing her fear and frustration the only way she can.

She needs to be at home with you until she settles.

When small children are ill or traumatised they regress. You may find you need to treat her as a 2 year old for many weeks or months until she gradually adjusts.

My instinct would be that she is feeling she has been unsettled by the big transitions and is fighting to gain some control over her life. I would keep her close and simplify her routine as much as possible until she finds her feet. I think you are doing the right thing.

You say she started playing up at nursery in England at the same time that you moved house and her brother started school. This was entirely normal and to be expected. You did the right thing then by going back to one morning.

We knew that the move would be difficult so chose to do it while the children were younger. I used to work full time and haven't looked for a job yet so I can be here for the children. We've been here since July and the children started Kindergarten in September.

We've always lived in rented houses so I got the children involved with decorating their bedrooms and trying to give them a sense of belonging.

Our daughter is incredibly strong, it scares me sometimes, she can climb a climbing wall all by herself, can do bench presses, and last night managed with her legs to lift a door off it's hinges. Other than keeping her home with me, so she doesn't feel abandoned or offloaded, does anyone have any other suggestions on how to deal with the outbursts? It can either be screaming, stripping off naked, but the worrying one is the physical outbursts, which of late tends to be throwing small chairs, tables, office chairs.

I think lots of cuddles and reassurance and treating her as you would if she were younger will help.

Also lots of fresh air and exercise, doing simple things like a walk in the park, swimming, just the two of you, will rebuild her sense of security.

Poor little mite You must be so worried. I can't believe your family are being so unsupportive. It doesn't take much empathy to realise how hard this must be for your daughter.

My parents moved to the UK from my mother's country when I was just a bit younger than your DD, and I didn't understand English. Apparently, I would get incredibly upset and angry when people didn't understand me, and then I stopped speaking completely for quite a while. Apparently that's actually not uncommon when young children are immersed in a second language after fully acquiring their first (google bilingual silent period) but it scared the hell out of my mum!

When I did start speaking English, I refused to speak my mother's language. My parents went with that for a while before re-introducing my mother's language (by which point I'd forgotten it). I understand why they did that, but I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. I'm now quite awkward in my mother's language (far more so than my older brother) and truth be told I have a fairly strong emotional reaction against it - but who knows whether that's due to the shock of the language change (my mother's theory) or simply because I lost that language and had to relearn it later (my theory).

My mother has told me that one of the things that really seemed to help me at that time was dancing. Might be worth trying to find a class for your daughter with an understanding teacher who lets her make the experience her own. Obviously, you'd have to choose carefully so that it doesn't become another stressful environment where she doesn't understand anything.

Just another thought: it might be worth posting on the bilingualism board for ideas on how help her improve her German as quickly as possible.

Your mum must have been so worried. The only thing my mum has come up with is ways to ensure the children keep their English, but that is more aimed at our son. They are both picking up bits of German, they can count, say colours, yes no, please thank you, some basic objects, but I agree I think learning the language should be the key.

My Dad is German and does speak German, however due to his pride it's only just come out now that his German is actually very basic as he left Germany when he was 7 and he never developed a more comprehensive vocabulary. Having said that it's better than nothing and have pleaded with him to speak to the children in German, but have again have since found he has a very different accent and dialect and his pronunciation is very different, which is completely knocking the children's confidence. Dad will say something this way, they understand, repeat and remember it, go to Kindy to only be corrected.

What's totally throwing me though is our daughter has a clear cut favourite teacher at kindy, she will always run to her and gets more upset if she's not there, will usually calm down for her, the only one she will say goodbye too, and she doesn't speak a word of English, she speaks to her only in German.

I never realised how stressful it would be for a child to move to a school/nursery where they did not speak the language until I read so many threads on MN on this very topic. As well as bilingualism thread check out living overseas thread.

I think you did the right thing by reducing the hours.

I can't give any advice on this issue but in respect of discipline I recommend that when she plays up, when not distressed by nursery, you get down to her level and loom her in the eye and tell her what she is doing wrong. Give her a warning and if it continues take a treat away from her. Don't repeat yourself endlessly, tell her twice at the most. Make punishment short as possible. Encourage good behaviour and reward her for being so good.

I didn't have the same experience as you but other factors made me overlook some naughty behaviour with my 3 year old. I regretted it by the time she was a teenager. The nursery issue is tough but remember you are in charge.

I hope it works out.

That's great that she's formed an attachment to one of the teachers. And even greater that it's one who only speaks German, since that will help her to learn!

Could you afford some babysitting for a few hours a day? If her favourite teacher was available (maybe at the weekend?) that would be perfect, but otherwise maybe a student? One-to-one play in German - in a familiar environment with someone she gets to know - might speed up her German learning.