Sleepover with family I don't know

[PatterofaMinion]

I kind of want one person to say I've made the right decision but obviously if I'm being a twit, tell me!

We moved recently to a nice road with loads of children. They have a large playing field that they play on together, we all have gardens etc.

Ds1 is 11 and has got to know a lot of the boys, mainly his age or thereabouts.

One kid seems very nice and pleasant and lives a few doors away. He is fostered. Ds met him with his foster dad in town a few weeks ago and they asked him to go to the cinema with them, right there and then. He was with my Mum and she said no as she didn't know what our plans were.

Fair enough. Yesterday though, ds was playing with him on the field and his f.dad suggested ds comes round for a sleepover.

I have never met these parents and so I said no, as I don't feel comfortable with ds being in a stranger's house overnight - not that I suspect anything odd, but that it will be difficult for ds to come home if he feels uncomfortable for any reason - you know how hard it is to politely escape from a friend's house if you just don't feel like staying, you don't want to seem rude etc.

Anyway I'd appreciate thoughts on whether I was reasonable to say no, at least this time. And tbh there is a part of me wondering why a sleepover is necessary when they have the opportunity to play together all day anyway.

If they live in the same road he could come home fairly easily if he wanted couldn't he? i always tell my two they can come home from a sleepover even if it means me picking them up.

Is there something else bothering you?

Hmm I know it isn't far to come home, it's more the memory of being at a friend's house when I was that age, feeling uncomfortable with her family, they were a bit odd I suppose and I wanted to come home but it wasn't easy to say that without feeling like I was being rude or fussy or a cry baby, etc etc.

Sparklingbrook, yes there is I suppose which is that it was the dad's idea, not the child's and usually in my experience, it's the children who plan these things and then have to ask their parents.

So at the back of my mind, yes that's bothering me.

That's ok Patter. It's really difficult to make the right call, and it sounds like you are a bit uneasy.
I would imagine foster parents want the children in their care to have a very normal upbringing which involves friends/cinema/ sleepovers. plus they don't let anyone foster children.

Was your Ds terribly disappointed/

As a foster carer I'm surprised by this approach from the carer. A lot of our children are socially isolated and we often need to make friendly overtures, but a sleepover is something you would only do as a gradual process. I think the foster dad may be excited at the potential friend for his child, who may not have the skills to do it himself, but he isn't going about it in the right way. Perhaps you could suggest some activity the boys could do together and set the tone a bit?

Why don't you make the effort to go round and get to know them if you need to? They only live down the road, your ds is 11 not an infant. The fdad may be wanting his fson to feel secure and settled having friends to go to the cinema with and sleep over would help his fson confidence. If both boys want this friendship then get to know the family to put your own mind at rest.

Sorry x post with lots of others

Umm staying a foster family ( assuming you aren't going to drop feed about awful teens also living there ) shoukd be safer than most sleep overs are the carers are checked and the household under soc services review.
Go say hello and see what you think

Thanks for all the replies.

Ds was fine about it. I thought the same about the dad - maybe he is just trying a bit too hard to make things 'normal'. The lad is a bit socially isolated as he has told ds he's being bullied at school.

I could go round and speak to them, I suppose, but I am a bit averse to making social overtones and prefer the children to sort of just play out and not make me do the running

Given me stuff to consider, thank you.

I'd have said no too. There is usually a build up to sleepovers such as you come to mine for tea, then tea round at yours etc. These and the associated small interactions as parents dropping off/collecting give you a comfort factor (or otherwise) about your DS spending time with the family.

DS was once asked to a 11th birthday sleepover where I had only met the mum a couple of times at the school gates but I let him go on the basis there were four other boys also going and he could call me anytime for a pickup. So for me it's all about the gut instinct.

It does sound like a lovely set up with your DS having local friends and being able to just call for each other and go and play on the field Patter. It's what everyone wants I think.

Would you consider a sleepover for the friend at yours?

I used to hate sleepovers for my two but they have them and go to them all the time now. I did find it a bit 'ugh' at first though.

Yule, thank you for posting that perspective - I think fostered or not, I would adopt a very gradual approach to a sleepover with any child/family. ie only with a family where I know the parents pretty well and can ring them in the night, or they can ring me, or the children are free to change their minds without fear of being told off or something.

I kind of like my nights to be when I don't have to think about other people, anyway!