Worrying about bond with my baby

[findingherfeet]

A lot of it comes down to lack of sleep and me being an anxious over thinker I'm sure...

DS is my second child and I know of course that lack of sleep is inevitable with a baby, it's a phase, it'll get better....but it's not. He's approaching one and tonight didn't manage 2 hours before first wake up.

Problem is, I don't understand WHY he's screaming, I don't know how to soothe him back to sleep.

With my DD I felt so in tune with her, my responses were just instinctive and I could calm her and put her back in her cot to sleep having 'solved' the problem. Even if it meant holding her for hours I knew what would work.

DS seems so unhappy sometimes, he cries and wants me to carry him constantly (which I try to do but I can't always) he's often over tired.

I do feel guilty for not continuing to breast feed him (I stopped at 6 weeks) he was a good feeder and has since struggled with formula/bottle feeding. Feeding him has always been quite difficult. I choose to stop and wanted to as I struggled with the very very long feeds and caring for my then 2yo mainly on my own. So while I was happy to stop I wonder now if this is why we're not so close, or maybe it's just how it is with a second child, you don't have time for them to be your entire world.

On the rare occassion I've been without him I don't worry about him.

He's a beautiful boy who at times beams and giggles and he is mischievous and so adorable with his sister. I know I love him.

But I'm starting to resent the screaming and my inability to know what to do. I'm more than happy to pass him to someone else to hold.

I have a weird niggling anxiety that his birth experience wasn't what it should have been and I didn't do right by him.

Maybe I'm depressed or just not very good with the baby stage!

Helpful to write this down.

A friend of mine had a baby with colic who basically screamed for the first 6 months. She said she now knows she didn't start to bond with him till he stopped screaming, and that she feels he didn't have a chance to bond with her either as he was so busy being in pain from the colic. He's 7 now and they have a great bond.

How far have you got with investigating why he's screaming? Have you posted here about it / spoke to the doctor for example? Finding a way to help him would surely help (easier said than done I know).

If he likes being held, might a sling help?

I'm no expert, but IIRC, feeling that you're not bonding with your baby can be a sign of PND. Do you think there's a chance you might be suffering from PND?

It's a bit "woo" but lots of friends have found cranial osteopathy helpful, it's supposed to help especially in the case of a traumatic/instrumental delivery. Worth a try?

I also know people who've said cranial osteopathy can help. Maybe write down all his naps and sleeps for a couple of days and see if you can find any pattern or triggers. Some children are more high needs-google it, but it does settle over time and you have a lifetime to cement that bond with him. As long as you keep spending time with him them don't think about the bond for now, it will come.

Poor you.
could it be that comparing to how things were with no1 is chucking up a lot of 'shoulds'?
I should know how to settle him.
He should be sleeping for x no of hours.
I should worry about him when i leave him.
You're the one making these rules, why should you know why he screams, many parents don't.
I think you need to be kind to yourself, have some empathy for you and stop making the rules. If you hear yourself say a 'should' then think twice!!
You didnt do this to him, its just the way he is!
I hope you can find a solution to his screaming xx

That makes sense KateKoon, I do compare them, I was meant to do better 2nd time round! He is his own person.

I spent a small fortune of cranial osteopathy sessions, the osteopath was very pro controlled crying and encouraged me to go down this route...until he heard how loud my baby cries!! (DS did not appreciate gentle head manipulation I can tell you...)

Don't get me wrong, I do go to him and try and guess what could possibly be disturbing him again! But it's more guess work - milk? Dummy? Hot? Cold? Teething? Wind?

My feeling is he's a very light sleeper and once disturbed is wide awake, white noise blocks some background noise out. He woke x3 last night (he's asleep now but I've been awake with him since 430 and give up!)

I feel a sense of failure that I might try controlled crying (and get rid of dummy as it appears to do very little) I just want him to sleep and be alert and content in the day! I really am not a natural co-sleeper, I don't get any sleep! I'm worried about my neighbours and disturbing my daughter but I don't know what else to try. (Any kind of gentle comforting in cot, patting, stroking etc is met with utter fury!)

I don't want to set myself up for a cranky, over tired tantruming toddler. I want to enjoy him!! He's so little :-(

Oh and HV and GP say he's fine, let him cry. :-(

He's definitely a little and often eater/drinker which might be part of the problem (ie he only wants 2 or 3oz of milk at a time, regardless of when last feed was) maybe when I get rid of bottles after his birthday things might actually improve (prospect of not being able to offer those 2oz when he's screaming in the middle of night is not fun)

And I've bought a lot of slings but it doesn't change the fact that I don't WANT to lug him about all day, he's a big tall wriggly boy! And is very heavy...I can't do much with him attached to me..

You are not doing anything wrong, nothing happened at his birth or with bf to make him this way, just children are different. Sadly some children find sleep more difficult than others, but if you think about it a small proportion of adults have sleep difficulties as well (I am not saying that your DS will have sleep problems as an adult, rather that having sleep problems is within the normal range of human experience).

Don't compare him to your DD. My DD was a high needs baby/toddler, a terrible sleeper but she was my first child so I quickly gave up any views I had that I could shape her behaviour beyond a certain point, i.e. make her a chilled out, good sleeper. My DS is a super chilled out baby and a very good sleeper. There isn't even a comparison between the way they cry, DD's baby cries were gut wrenching every time, DS's are a minor grumble, you can tell that he is nowhere near as distressed as DD was even when he is distressed. If I had had DS first I would have lulled myself into a false sense of security and had a total shock with DD's arrival. Could this be happening with your two DCs? Don't compare them, each one is an individual and they will find different developmental stages easier or more difficult.

Does anything work for your DS? For example does co-sleeping help at all? With my DD I took the path of least resistance and did whatever helped us both get most sleep, in her case co-sleeping and endless bf during the night. I did have to carry her a lot as well, maybe look into different carriers that distribute the weight better and protect your back.

Oh forgot to add DD was a massive baby/toddler and seemed to need to eat every 2 hours day and night until about 2yo. She's nearly four now and is slim but very, very tall.

I have heard people on here say that little/often feeding can be a sign of silent reflux.

You are getting no sleep & your baby screams all the time & you have a toddler. That you are holding it together at all is a miracle & clear proof that under the fog you love both your children very much.

I would feel reassured by the fact that children change so much at each phase of development. My nightmare baby was a fun toddler and a thoughtful, intelligent child. My calm but poor-sleeping baby is now a cute & overexcitable toddler. Don't feel your relationship now, which is obviously going to be difficult due to the sleep issue, will always be that way.

He sounds like my ds2. Ds1 never cried. I mean he would have a little grumble but that was it.

Ds2 was miserable and sensitive and jumpy. He'd feed little and often. I stopped BF him earlyvss he's just latch have a few sucks pull off and scream. It was awful.
Anyway Gaviscon in his milk helped a lot so could your ds have reflux? Or a cows milk intolerance?
Also it's inly as a 9 year old that I've noticed he has a bad tongue tie which was never picked up and could explain his feeding problems and misery?
As an older child tbough he's still more touchy temperamental and prone to tears. Hates cuddles or being held and touched. Opposite of my others.

Have you read the no-cry sleep solution? Im part way through it and although i cant comment on its effectiveness it seems to have some intetesting ideas in it.

Remember, this too shall pass, keep at it mummy! x

You're not doing anything wrong. Some babies just struggle to sleep and spend their days a tired, miserable mess. Its hard to really understand how exhausting, stressful and demoralising it can be, unless you have one.

We tried PUPD and it was a disaster. Dd cried till she threw up (while we held her). In the end we resorted to cc (at 10 mths) and that worked much better. Dd just wouldn't sleep if we were holding her or even in the same room as her, let alone co-sleeping.
You need to do whatever approach is right for you and your ds.

And we tried cranial osteopathy too (disaster, dd hated it and made no difference).

If its any comfort dd (now 2.7) is a fantastic toddler. Yes she can have mega tantrums sometimes but she's happy, very sociable, confidant and not at all clingy. And she sleeps great. I think some kids just don't like being babies.

Sorry to suggest more things to try. Has he been tried on a non dairy formula? Some babies can be like this when they are very uncomfortable due to cow's milk protein intolerance.

Whatever you do, think about now, not when he's a toddler. What he's like now most likely has absolutely no bearing on then, it might even be that he just hates being little and wants to be able to do things for himself!

It is true that some babies need to "cry down" for a while before sleep and even being held is too much stimulation for them. But if he gets worse and louder when you leave him, then I would worry that this is not right. How long have you tried leaving him for?

Sorry for late response, keep typing long posts and loosing them!

Thanks for everyone's views on this, it's made me think a lot and I am trying to be kinder to DS and myself.

The issue lies with me, I hate being woken throughout the night every night, I hate DH sleeping on the sofa, I feel guilty my DD is taking second place to her demanding brother, I HATE the crying, from either of them, I'm hopeless with confrontation and upset as it is...

I find the relentless demands of my young children wearing and the physical 'thing' of always being touched hard...co-sleeping and slings are nice on occasions but there not for me long term...I crave time alone.
This is not my DS fault! Last night I'm horrified to say, I muttered 'I hate this baby'...but I don't. I know I don't. I hate the things above but not my son.

When a dark though enters my kind, I will stop myself and think of all the good things...

DS eats really well, he makes us laugh, he's adventurous and cheeky in his play, he adores his sister, he's very active and quick to grasp new things, he's beautiful and he is extremely kissy and cuddly :-)

Still planning trip to dr mind...just in case because I'm not myself

Sleep deprivation can send you mad. See the GP as planned and please believe you will come out the other side! (I said much worse things about my baby btw but all was fine once I got my sleep back)

Defo see docs. I hope something eases soon and it helps the rest of it to fall into place. It's just the combination of everything all at once isn't it? It's so physical and full on when they are little. You do need to make sure you get regular time out for yourself (even though it never seems enough.)

I remember people saying "Try to get 5 minutes to yourself every day!" and me thinking 5 minutes?? 5 weeks might just do it. No, five months, thanks. I went to visit now DH in Germany for four days when DS was 4, the longest time I'd ever been away from him (and single parent for three of those four years) and on the way home my heart was sinking and I thought "I'm awful, I should be missing him but it just hasn't been enough time."

There are not enough hours in the day, truly, and it is really hard but prioritise whatever time you can get - a lie in once a week, nightly bath or nap time for you, hour of uninterrupted reading time, going jogging, whatever helps you and whatever your DH can spare you.