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Original poster

Should I Let My DD Go???

14 replies

zoepybus · 23/10/2006 11:08

I'm mum to 3 beautiful DDs, my eldest (12) is from my first marriage. She has never taken to my now DH, despite the fact that he's lived with her longer than her own dad. We've tried everything we an think of to have some sort of relationship between the two, soft and hard approach but everything we do gets thrown back in his face. DD has no respect for him, is constantly rude and has a tendency to carry this on to her little sisters. She is moody, sulks and is incredibly stubborn, every day is a battle. A number of times her dad has asked for her to live with him, but we've always said no, trying to keep the family together - but should I just accept that I have to let her go?

I feel if I do, I'm failing her as a mother, and that I'm giving up because things are difficult all the time - but if it will make her hapy, it could turn her attitude around and she'll become a happy child again - is it really so bad?

Don't know what to do for the best for everyone? Anyone been in similar situation or any advice (for or against) would be extemely grateful!

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 23/10/2006 11:13

Oh God I have no idea, but did want this to go unanswered.

Is her Dad a nice person ??

Could it be a case of the grass being greener ??

katzg · 23/10/2006 11:16

would living with her dad for a bit maybe cure her of this? like sherlock says is it a grass is greener situ

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:17

What does her dad think?

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SCARErenity · 23/10/2006 11:18

Does she want to go?

I don't think you would be failing as a mother if you let her go tbh. Perhaps if she stays with her Dad for a while she will see that it's not all perfect and wonderful with him either, and will apppreciate what she has at home? Maybe if she can take a step back she can build a better relationship with her step dad?

Moody stubborn and direspectful sounds quite common for 12 yr old girls I'm afraid!

Would she have to change schools etc? Could you do a trial period, say of 3 months and then review the situation?

izzybiz · 23/10/2006 11:34

I have a Ds who will be 14 at xmas, i dont live with his dad and havent since Ds was 2.
I have been with my Dp for 10 years and we have a 2 year old Dd, so a similar situation really.
My Ds sees his dad and stays the night now and again, he has never asked for him to live with him and Ds has never asked either.
But i have thought about what would i do if it happened?
I have to say i would say no. I feel that i have brought him up with Dp for that long that he is our son. I just couldnt let him go.
I know thats probably of no help, but i really hope you come to the best desision for your Dd, and of course yourself.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:39

Who's to say that she wouldn't be disruptive and rude even if you were still with her dad. My gut instinct is to tell her no and just ride it out. I have a 17 yr old dss who lives with us and his mum basically rejected him and it has done untold damage to him. She lies and says that he wanted to come to live with us but actually he diddn't get on with her dp and she told him to leave. He has found this incredibly hard to deal with. I'm not saying your situation is the same just that it's tricky in my experience.

fairyjay · 23/10/2006 12:05

Would it be feasible for your dd to stay with her Dad for an extended period of time, say over the Summer, and then re-evaluate the situation?

Whilst my initial 'mum' reaction would be 'no', I do understand how hard it is for my brother and his wife when her 14 y.o. dd is so disrespectful and ungrateful for everything they do for her. When she is away at school (her choice), the atmosphere in their family is so much better.

Tortington · 23/10/2006 12:07

can you let her go for the six weeks holidays. or for a month over the xmas period

i am sure she thinks that there is some kind of parenting utopia at her dads.

with pre pubescent teens the grass is always greener - i assure you absolutley that she will be wondering about the wonderful time her mum and half sisters are having 'now they got rid of me' cue melodrama.

and maybe just carry on like that. with extended periods at her dads.

Tortington · 23/10/2006 12:08

fairyjay great minds eh?!

Original poster
zoepybus · 23/10/2006 13:16

Thanks for all your thoughts guys - her dad lives in Daventry, we currently live in Northern Ireland as we're a forces family - her dad works as a fireman so shift etc are tricky, and he's on his own (just recently split from long-term partner)so don't kow if he could cope, he says he can, and will do what is necessary but I'm in the same frame as many of you, 6 months i will she be clamering to come home?? Because of location, it would mean new schools etc, and I don't feel I can keep chop and changing school, especialy as she's just started secondary! Do you think it would be right to let her see for herself that the grass wouldn't be any greener, knowing the disrupption it would cause for schooling etc??

Thanks again for all your views, sometimes it helps to have a neutral opinion on these things!

OP posts:
babe1 · 25/10/2006 19:27

Could just be part of being a 12 year old. Emotions all over the place and so on, but then as you say, Zoepy, it's been going on for some time. I think a trial stay at her dad's, if it can be arranged, would be good. It may well be a grass is greener situation, and also, you'd probably find that she'd miss the company of her sisters, get fed up with Dad's shift patterns etc, and eventually want to come home.

Good luck.

riab · 25/10/2006 19:51

I'd go for a trial stay, He is her dad and if in the end she chooses to live with him and he wants her to do so I think you may need to take a deep breath and respect her right to make that decision. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you just have to pack her bags because she is having a strop! She is probably doing the whole teenage thing we all did about hating our parents and rebelling, the difference is she has an alternative 'i'll go and live with my dad'.

Even if you can only manage 2 weeks over christmas make arrangements for her to spend that time with her dad. then assess the situation after that. One thing I'd suggest is that you ask her dad if he could take a weeks holiday (at least) over the Xmas period, if he is truly commited to having her live with him he will do it. If he ums and ahs then you may need to think again.

I reckon its one of those 'let em go so they come back' situations, if you stand in her way she will run even harder. If you are reasonable about ti all she knows she can make the choice but that she can always come back to you.

7up · 25/10/2006 20:05

totally agree with riab, saves metyping it

Original poster
zoepybus · 30/10/2006 13:40

Hi again, I know what you mean, but we live so far apart from her dad, and being a forces family her education has had a severe knock and now we're finally back on track with that I don't want to jepordise it again by toing and fro-ing between parents - I think I've made my mind up that she stays and we, or mainly my DH, is just going to have to ride the storm. We always said she can leave our family when she's finished her education, and I think she probably will go to her dad when she's 16. But until then I think, like many of you that have been kind enough to answer, it's a situation that we as a family will just have to deal with. Thanks again to everyone for their much appreciated advice and views.

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