In battle with 3 year old - just want to CRY

[sydneygirl]

DS1 will not listen. I have tried bending down to his level and explaining things. I have tried time out time. I have tried losing my temper and yelling and this is the worry - I'm using far too much of that technique at the moment.
Just want to cry. Latest row involved me asking him not to put the butter knife (with butter) in his mouth whilst he was making his sandwich. Asked him three times then told him firmly NO. He responded by doing it again with huge scoop of butter.
It sounds comical when it's written down, but that was about the tenth thing that we've argued about this morning. DS2 is poorly, so perhaps I'm feeling a bit low also.
I had to deal with butter row by walking away. Walked down to the end of our garden, repeating to myself that the argument wasn't my fault. Must have sounded quite loopy talking to myself but it helped. DS1 was following and yelling, hitting and scratching me but eventually he calmed down, asked to be picked up and asked for his sandwich.
SO SORRY to bang on. Just needed to vent really. Sometimes I feel like I'm the shite-est mum in the world, yet other days I feel like Mary Poppins.

A three year old that won't listen? I have one too - well, nearly, she's 2.10. Tends to happen more when she's tired, upset, angry, or wanting attention...but tbh, I suspect its just the age of not listening!

Sometimes I manage to give her a choice, as in calmly saying 'if you put that knife in your mouth again, Mummy will take it away because its not safe' then doing it. Other times, if I'm tired/stressed/upset walking away is the best I can do: given I'm 33 wks pregnant and not sleeping well (as you can see...) this happens fairly often right now!

You and your ds sound totally normal and un-shite to me, honest...its not you, its just that there are shite days; have a hug, I hope your ds2 feels better soon.

Don't ask him 3 times - tell him once and then remove the knife from him.

He will learn to listen if he realises that you aren't going to repeat yourself.

All a 3 year old hears is "butter, mouth" and proceeds to do it over and over again. They just ignore the "don't" bit.

It's the complete tantrum that floors me, following the "No".
We've just got in from gorgeous walk through the forest. They both had ice lollies. We're two minutes inside the front door and DS1 is on top of poorly DS2 (who's one) hitting and scratching him. He's just yelled through his bedroom door (where he is currently in time-out) that's he's peed on the floor.
It's been the crappest of days today. I know that he's just asserting his independence, but he is just so stubborn and stroppy all the time.
Can't think where he gets it from .

You are not alone!! My DD is 3.5 and all I ever hear from her is NO, followed by whining about everything which absolutely does my head in! We have some really lovely times where we play and laugh and I always say to her 'isn't this nicer than shouting, we are laughing and having fun'. I try and make the fun times really good and praise her loads for good behaviour. BUT when the tantrum strikes there is no stopping her. It can be from anything like me asking her not to stick her fingers up DS's nose (he is 4 weeks) to not climbing on the table.

I know how you feel when you say you feel shite, it's like all the nice time has counted for nothing and you are back at square one again. I have learned though that you cannot reason with a stubborn three year old and have to mean what you say.

They say the two's are terrible, I vote that the three's are worse!!!

FB x

AGREE that 3 yeard olds are worse. DS is 4 at Xmas but cannot see any light at end of tunnel.
He is funny, bright, kind, gentle, determined and clever....and also a full-blown pain in the backside.
Love him dearly, but bad times outweighting the good. Thanks FB.

Thank goodness for this thread. I have just arrived in work, after the most rubbish weekend because of my 3.75 year old dd whining and whinging. I actually walked out of the house (dh and ds there) yesterday teatime and went for a drive. Could not take it anymore, wanted to scream.

Anyway my mantra after reading this thread is "it's not just me, it's not just me, it's not just me". Thank you. Deep breath. I thought this was all behind me when we got through the terrible twos!

Message withdrawn

Pruni, my dentist says tooth brushing isn't that big a deal until adult teeth are in. I tend to stick to making sure my kids have a good diet, and letting them brush their own teeth.

What was in the ice lollies? What colour were they?

Oh God, the 3s are horrendous - sorry! They grow out of it. I've got one who is just coming up to 4 now and he is a delight - he was a bloody nightmare from about 2 onwards though, really hard work.

However, I have another one who is just 2 so I've got the whole lot to get through again yet - arrrrghghghghghghgh!

I found 2s not tooo bad compared to 3s , Im pullng my hair out by the end of the day. She needs constant constant stimuli and I need constant sleep as have a 9wk old too. Nick jnr seems to suffice for 10 mins spurts and then she wants to cut , eat , draw , paint , play doh, aqudraw, cook , sing, put stickers everywere strangle the baby (with me telling her OVER AND OVER to be gentle and calm around baby !) Oh and then she wants to do cutting again !!!!!

There is a really good book by Jo Douglas and Naomi Richman, called "coping with small children" or something like that - try google. I normally hate childrearing books, but this is just a little penguin paperback, about 15 years old, but still in print. My mum bought it for me, and it was so helpful. I have lent my copy to my neighbour, and she is so impressed with it she is hanging on to it - her children are 2 and 3. It is full of common sense, lots of hints and tips, and explanation and reassurance.

Sydney
I SO understand how you feel and sympathise. And, God, is it good to hear other people on this thread feeling the same way!
My DS is 3 and can be the most adorable little darling, or the most taxing, infuriating little git you can imagine! Sometimes after a bad day, I am glad he has gone to bed and then I could cry, I feel so guilty for feeling that way.
All I can say is that in my experience this goes in phases and you're in the thick of one right now. It will pass eventually, even though you will gain a few grey hairs before it does!

I have no advice, just an "I am with you" reply!!! (Very similar post from me in depression last week )

Today (the whole 3 1/2 hours of it that we have had so far) has been good... I am feeling in control and we are both happy.

Ask me again this evening

Gosh, thanks for all the support!
Threebob, the ice lollies are lemonade ones - Icy Twists. It's really hot here at the moment and so they do tend to scoff a lolly every other day. They're not mammoth treats though.
Just been telling DH the day's events...at 1pm today DS2 was in bed crying (out of illness), DS1 was crying in bed (as he was in timeout time AGAIN) and I was curled in a ball weeping behind our bedroom door.
If anyone had been looking in on this situation it would have been bizarre, but the emotions were disgustingly real.
I tell DS1 constantly that I love him. I praise and reward good behaviour. His rewards however always seem to end up being removed from him, due to his crappy behaviour. AAAARGHHH. I'm meeting myself coming backwards.
After every incident / argument I end up talking to myself, analysing what just went on. It's the only way I can stay sane. I am a strong, assertive and loving mum yet I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Every morning I get up and think "today will be a good day". Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day.

Really really sympathise, sounds just like me and my ds (3.5) - get to the end of many days telling myself what a c**p mother I have been and that I will be better tomorrow. Sometime he just pushes all of the wrong buttons. Last week while trying to work from home, ended up shutting kitchen door on him and dd and sobbing in the hall while they screamed on the other side of the door.

I am aware that sometimes I get stuck in a rut of thinking he is a badly behaved child and acting accordingly, where as when I manage to focus on his positive attributes and ignore or distract him out of tantrums/whining our relationship is much better.

When I am rational, I realise that losing my temper at him has no effect at all except making us both feel rubbish. My current tactic is bribery (which I swore I would never do). He loves money (has never spent any but likes the sound of it clinking in his money box), so at the start of the day (not every day - just the ones I think may be difficut), I line 5 pennies up in the kitchen and say if he gets to the end of the day having been good, they are all his, if he does anything wrong I will take 1 away at a time and if I take away all 5, I will start on his piggy bank. This works sometimes - other times we just have a bigger tantrum over loss of pennies than anything that preceded it!

Good luck!!

Sydneygirl you are not alone! I came on to post a similar thread but this one already existed! It is so reasuring to know that it isn't just my three year old behaving like this and it isn't just me who finds it hard!

Three year olds are definately more hard work than two year olds, they are far more assertive and demanding, mine will not listen to me if he doesn't want to no matter what tactic I use! Yesterday it was playing with the phone at a friend's house, nothing I did stopped him from going back to it and playing with it,includingmy frined sternly telling him not to, in the end we had to leave .

He is worse though if I haven't given him much one on one attention, if he is tired,if he's hungry, if he has eaten sugar or chocolate, if we're in a new environmentor if I am trying to do something else like talk to friends, read a booketc. somostly now I antisipate what might cause a battle and avoid those situations. There are so manny little things though like the one you described, that are the last straw in a stressful day. Sometimes walking away is the only option.

Am so glad it is not just DS or a reflection on my bad parenting though.

Hope you have a less stressful day tomorrow!

SO this thread has just depressed me horribly. My DS1 is 2.8 and has been having tantrums since he was 11 months old. He seems to be getting better but I can definitely see more defiance (now that he can say more) and lots of ignoring. And now my 13 month old has discovered his temper and has started his tantrums too. And I think: shit - I've still got a long way to go before we're through this. And then I guess you get a few peaceful (relatively) years and then they're teenagers and it starts all over again.

Sigh. Will now go have some wine.

my 3year old ds responds well to the pasta jar idea, have got out of the habit recently and have found myself shouting a lot today. time to re-instate it. Use an old jam jar one piece of dried pasta for doing something well it might be staying in bed, eating a meal, being kind to sister etc and one removed for bad behaviour. Often the threat of removal does the trick. Some people give a certain amount of money for each pasta at the end of the week, it's not very MN, but I give one sweetie for each. Sweetie day is on saturday.

I agree wholeheartedly with all that has been said. Small children are very, very hard work. Sadly we live in a society where most of us have to struggle all day and sometimes night with no help or support from anyone, and it is really tough and exhausting. Any opportunity to be outside, playing at a friend's house, or similar activity should be grabbed immediately, kept to a sensible length of time (no more than 2 hours), then followed by food and a nap (for mum and children if possible). The days I could manage that, I could stay sane. 3 yearolds are always ten times worse if mum or sibling is ill or tired - that is the way they are, and sometimes it seems as if things will never get better. However - I promise - it does, and you look back and marvel at how fast the time has gone. They are only little, and they really aren't doing it in a premeditated way. Hang in there - it does pass. Mine are teenagers now, and I would love to have those days back again.

God I could have written any one of these posts!!! DS1 is 3.2 and either an absolute angel or an anti-christ. He is really good with DS2 though, and for that I am really grateful (although it's hard to rember that when we're having a battle of wills and he's winning ).
The joys of motherhood, eh. I guess that's why God invented wine

There is definitely something about 3 year olds. DS is 3 next month and will argue the toss about anything.
DH - "Do you want some of my pizza?"
DS - "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I do NOT want PIZZA"
DH - "Thats fine you don't have to have any pizza, just thought you might like it"
DS - "Noooooooo I do NOT LIKE PIZZA" stomp, stomp, stomp, scoots off on trike.

Every morning: DS - "Nnnnnnooooo I am NOT going to nursery school".
Every afternoon: DS - "NNNoo want to stay here and play, don't want to go home".

Sgirl - I have tough days (and nights) as well - drives me crazy. Just to offer support to you.

lol Iamascaryfairy about the wine

I really hope four and five year olds are better and it gets easier!

Anyone else have trouble with thier children running off when out? It is my biggest battle with DS, sometimes he just runs off,goes into shops,goes out of shops I'm in...
...having said that, he is sooooo lovely too, as all your 3 year olds are, and melts my heart with one hug or an "I really love you mummy".

Have to agree about the positive sides rosie. The best thing about DS now is that he is really good company when he is in a good mood.