Can someone help me help my 7 year old DD please?

[Newbiecrafter]

Hello
Not sure if this tis the best place to ask, but here goes.

Basically, my 7 year old DD isn't enjoying school too much. She says she enjoys the learning side of school but not the playground side and this seems to be affecting her behaviour, negatively, at home.

She is a kind, generous and thoughtful young girl and is always friendly, but isn't best friends with anyone and feels like she isn't good enough when around these groups.

I managed to have a chat with some mums at drop off this morning and was also able to watch her play. She spotted a girl she knows so was chatting away with her. Then this girl spotted her best friend and was off. My DD was just left standing there and then wandered the playground aimlessly not sure which groups to join in with.

I recently had counselling and this came up as something that happeneded to me a lot when I was younger, and still does, to an extent.

My DD has also experienced being told she can't join in with groups of girls playing by the 'leader' on a number of occassion, so I get the feeling that she doesn't want to ask anymore and assumes she'll be told no. For example there was a new girl recently and my DD was really friendly to her. A few weeks later, this girl was one of the ones who told dd she couldn't join in. My DD doesn't understand why she said no, even though the week before they were playing together.

I have spoken to her teacher to see if she can help me to help DD, but she doesn't seem to have any suggestions. She does say that my dd is very mature for her age and that things will get better as the other girls catch up. I'm not sure what I think of that.

So, are the any things I can do to help my DD in the playground and with friendships and how to develop them? I try and encourage my Dd to play with other girls, and not focus on the ones who have said no, but as I say she is convinced that she'll be told no.

I feel that I am somehow at fault as we haven't really ever got I to play dates and sleepovers for various reasons, but predominantly due to my PND which I am slowly getting over.

Is there any way I can help my DD be happier, have more self confidence/esteem, and to maybe not be so defeated by what's happened, so more resilient, I guess?

Many thanks in advance.

This has happened to my dd (and me) and what helped amazingly is getting her collecting moshi monster cards - lots of other kids (boys and girls) collect them and they sitting together swapping etc and it is a very no-pressure situation. Find out what cards are collected at her school.

I have also tried playdates (maybe just an hour if the whole afternoon is too much hard work). Other activities eg swimming/gym/street dance/brownies.

Be persistant with the teacher - explain they are excluding her and this is not acceptable. I also went to the headteacher, who did assemblies on it.

Has the school got a counsellor? My dd started seeing her and she was brilliant too - got the mean girls in and did role-playing with them.

It's really emotionally draining for you - especially with PND but worth it in the end. Don't give up! The phrase that helped for me was: if it's important to you, then it's important to me.

Oh yes, I meant to add: when it happened to me, my parents did nothing and I felt even more alone. So it is very therapeutic in retrospect, if you see what I mean, to be proactive when it's happening second time round.

Thanks scattercushion. That's really helpful and also good to know it affects others too.

I sometimes wonder if it's something my Dd is doing or not doing, but really haven't got a clue how to help her.

I'll have a chat with her about whether there are any collectible things that the other girls are interested in. That sounds like a great idea.

I'm also co siding external clubs for her. She quite likes learning lines and things like that so was considering stagecoach, but quite it's quite a few hours at the weekend which would affect our family life. She loves dancing too and have also been looking at a street dance club, but haven't really found anything locally yet.

It sounds like I'm on the right track and the cards thing is something I didn't think of.

Longer term, I need to help her realise that if someone says no today, doesn't mean they will tomorrow and also need to help her believe in herself a bit more.

Like you, I didn't get help when I was younger, but I also didn't want to 'bother', my mum and dad with it. My DD is similarly 'closed' and it's hard to understand what's going on. All I know is she plays up at home, doesn't go to bed, doesn't listen etc as she's sort of trying to get some control and attention which I think is lacking at school.

In will talk to the teacher again. They don't have a councillor at school, but will look Into that as if I can help her open up more as she grows, she'll deal with things better in future.if that makes sense.

Thanks so much for your help. Xxx

What about Brownies?

On a previous thread, someone suggested a book, something like the unwritten rules of friendship? For children who don't always get things about the social side of life.

I could have written your post, and indeed have written a very similar post recently.

My dd1 is also 7, and popular, so you'd think she'd have no issues at all. However, one of her best friends cannot stand dd playing with other children, and has been rather unpleasant recently.

I poured out my heart on here (and in rl to some close friends!) and had a word with her teacher, who assured me that after a couple of incidents in the playground, she had reminded the class to be nice to one another. Dd tells me things have improved since then .

Out of school activities were suggested to me too, but we simply cannot afford drama (she does swimming and is learning two instruments; there's one of these franchised courses in our area but its £100s a term and a significant weekly time commitment), and she has no interest whatsoever in Brownies. I was forced into doing all sorts of things as a child and I think it can be counterproductive. But maybe I'm just super-stubborn!! She's hoping that she might be able to join a music ensemble in a couple of years, which she'll enjoy and I know from experience she's likely to meet lots of similar children.

That said, if your dd knows of others who do stuff like Brownies she might be amenable.

I'm rapidly losing patience with bossy little girls tbh. I've come very close to cornering the mother of one of the ringleaders in the playground. Which clearly I would never do!

to you and your dd: it's tricky.

Thanks so much for your replies.

One of the issues my DD faces is that girls are fine chatting and playing with her, until, someone else comes along. There is one girls in particular, well, lots actually, who seem to forget to behave normally when the bossy ones are there. I remember taking dd to a party once and we weren't late, but lots of girls had already arrived. When they came down, they saw dd but no one said hello. My dd did say hello to the birthday girl who then said hello back. One of the 'ring leaders' actually looked my dd up and down and then Ignored her which meant some of the others did too. I have actually started to decline party invites from some of the girls who I know are rude as I don't want dd to feel any more excluded from the 'clique' than she already is. Dd also says no to parties for some of the girls herself, as I think it's a bit of a self protection thing.

It's awful for me to see this as I sort of don't want to get involved, but after that party my DD was really playing up. At the time she just gets on with it, but it definitely plays on her mind, over and over. Some nights I'll be going to bed before she has fallen asleep, and she is still worrying about what she did wrong.

I honestly have wondered if it is all my dd's doing, but whenever I see her interacting with the others, she isn't at all loud or 'in yer face' or rude or anything. She is simply invisible and it's hard as like I said I've had that all my life. If we are away from school, say on holiday, she always makes friends really easily and seems to not have any of these issues.

It is a worry, so I appreciate your suggestions and thoughts.
Xxx

OMG manchestermummy! Just found your thread that you mentioned. Are you me and is your dd my dd???

Maybe we are each other's doppelgängers. Like you said I could have written some of your post.

It's a shame that some kids can be so mean at age 7. Do you think your dd is 'picked on' because she is so able?

Hope things are much better for her, and you, now.

DD (age 7) is v similar, she likes school but not playtime. I asked one of the lovely TAs and she has been keeping a special eye out for her - so can reassure me that actually DD is fine and is playing with others (even if she says she's not), and if DDs on her own the TA will find her a job or something.

We've also tried to give her a bit more responsibility and independence generally to try and improve her confidence. Now she sometimes walks to school by herself (v rural area and I follow about 5 mins behind walking DD2 to school anyway). And on Sun she did some baking all by herself (I gave instructions but didn't get hands on at all) I think it's a big picture thing that if we can give her some more freedom where possible, that might help her to feel more positively about herself and so deal better with other tricky situations??

Definitely worth talking to the school again. This sort of behaviour may seem low key but it is a form of bullying and the school has a duty to deal with it

I have the same concerns with my daughter but she's 10. she's always been shy in new company and won't join a group until she's asked. We don't live in an English speaking country and although the kids were born here they still find it hard to gel with the local children and they stick with English kids - that's fine but a lot of the English kids only stay here for a year or 2nd then move back and then she's alone again part if Mr thinks it's lack of confidence and another part believes that it's genetic as both me and hubby are quite shy and introverted.

Thanks everyone.

I emailed another teacher about this and she suggested speaking with the teacher again and has also given me another name that I can take things up with if I don't feel heard.

The idea of more responsibility is a good one. I have spoken with DD about her trying to do more for herself and she is really keen.things like washing herself, or taking herself off to bed.

At the moment, she is often just difficult and doesn't want to help or be cooperative. I am convinced this is her going control which she doesn't have at school, so we're in a chicken and egg situation where she misbehaves so has to be helped with getting things done, like getting ready for a bath or for bed. She is actually a really lovely kind girl, but we get the brunt of her frustrations with interactions at school.

Caliopexx, that sounds tough for your DD, and for you. Are there any clubs or groups outside of school where the population aren't so transient? I guess if you're at an expat type of school, that can be a common issue due to the nature of it. A friend of DD's moved to Hong Kong about a year ago and they were experiencing the same things esp for the first year. They found it easier to make friends with the children where they lived, once they moved to a more permanent block of flats, as they seemed to be more permanent residents. I hope you find something that works for your DD.

It's exhausting dealing with the fall out, so I appreciate you all taking the time to reply. It's sort of reassuring to know this affects lots of children.

Xxx

I am in a very similar situation. My DD has just turned 8 and doesn't really have any friends at school. Her teachers say she has always been very quiet in school although she chatters constantly at home is confident making friends outside of the school. Like your DD, she is a very kind, gentle girl but really plays up at home because I think she is frustrated. Her school mixes up the classes each year and I think this has hindered her making lasting friendships as girls she was friendly with last year are now in a different class. When I asked her why she wasn't playing with them anymore she said they had "moved on".

nickEcave, that sounds like our school in mixing up the classes, but dd has always been like that too. She sometimes says she can only play with someone else if that persons best friend is off sick, she is very aware of hurting those children's feelings as she,s been in that situation herself.

It's really sad that your DD says 'they have moved on'. I felt like that all the way through school and still do now to an extent. It really does affect my confidence so it would be good to help DD so she doesn't have to have the same experience.