I feel really guilty about getting angry

[Mercedes519]

DS (8 weeks) woke up last night after I'd only been asleep for an hour and cried. I felt really angry towards him and cried too. I feel guilty because he can't help it and it isn't his fault but I start to understand why people shake babies and it scared me that I could feel that way towards him.

In fact, what I did was get up, change him, feed him and put him back to bed. And then got up three hours later to do it all again. And then fours hours later.

I don't know what to do because I have no end in sight. DS is only 6.5 lbs and doesn't eat enough to go for more than four hours between feeds and is unlikely to for some time yet. I've only had a maximum of 3 hours sleep at any one time and its slowly killing me. DH takes pills for his back and doesn't even wake up when ds cries so he is useless in terms of helping out. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel but I don't want to ever feel like that about ds again. Sometimes its alright but right now.... Help!

Hi there, I think most mums have felt like you do at one point or another. I know I did when DS used to be awake from 11pm till 2am every night screaming. Are you getting extra sleep during the day when baby is napping? I know there are always a hundred and one other things you could be doing but while DS is so young you need to focus on him and stuff the rest of it. He needs a mummy is rested enough herself to look after him whatever day or night. Could DH give DS the last feed of the night - bottle or EBM?

My ds1 was born at 5lbs 11oz. He slept though at 16 weeks and around 11 or 12 lbs. My ds2 was born at 8lbs 14oz. He has yet to do it at 10months! I don't think weight is the only determinant of how long they can last. You may be lucky despite your ds being littler. 3 - 4 hours between feeds isn't that unusual at this stage, but it is horrible to cope with. In my experience 12 weeks is a point when things seem easier. Can DH help in the mornings or at weekends and give you a break? Are you sleeping in the day? If not, do and say to hell with everything else!

Hi there...don't feel bad about it. It's only human for your emotions to become heightened when you are so sleep deprived. I remember the exact same feelings when mine were that age...sitting there feeding them and sobbing.

There isn't alot I can suggest to help - but it WILL get better. The four hourly feeds will gradually become five hourly and then one night you'll realise you've only got up to him once!!

I know it's hard, but is there anyone who could mind him for an afternoon so you can catch on some sleep? Could DH have him in the morning to give you a chance for some shut-eye?

Keep your chin up..just keep remembering that it WILL improve.

Good luck.

Hi Mercedes, firstly, well done for doing all the right things for your DS despite the sleeplesness and anger you felt. You are right, he can't help it and the first few weeks and months can be really tough. Babies who are big at birth also wake up frequently, and Dh's on no medication can also be quite deaf to the baby crying. Don't be too tough on yourself. It WILL pass and you will find the strength to adjust to this new life. It just takes a while longer.

I was reading somewhere (maybe in N Staedler?)that mums can sometimes have these feelings of anger and imagine all sorts of terrible things happening to their babies which is the subcoscious way of learning how to better protect their child and avoid those situations.

Keep going. Is your DH helping enough during the day and evening so you can get some sleep?

Thank you for the reassurance. When you're pregnant for the first time you have this idealised vision of cute babies and cuddly times without the mind-numbing tedium and sleep deprivation. Its no surprise that they use it as a method of torture (the deprivation rather than the tedium!)

I think my problem is more quality than quantity because I can get 8 or 9 hours in a night but not at more than a 3 hour stretch. DH did the 7am feed this morning so he is a good dad, its not his fault his pills make him sleep so deeply. Although believe me it is quite annoying when he is so asleep beside me...

I do try and nap in the afternoon but I also find that I have to get out of the house for my sanity so sometimes it slips. I think I need to make more effort with this but it is still only a couple of hours at most.

I think FreakyFloss' idea is a good one because I could go to bed at 8pm (in the spare room) and if dh did the feed at 10pm and ds slept through to 2am I would have 6 hours. There are a lot of ifs in that statement but it might be worth a try? And I will keep repeating 'its just a phase etc.' and its good for my mental development. Thanks guys.