When is it ok to tell an adult 'no'?

[Roobo]

DD is 2.3 and goes to nursery. She is going through a phase of telling her teachers 'no' and refusing to do things (normal toddler stuff!)

Me and DH have tried to talk to her about this and ended up saying "You don't tell grown-ups no", which in hindsight doesn't feel quite right either

How do you explain to a 2yo when it is/ isn't ok to say no?

Too much explaining going on here. She's only 2.

toddlers only say 'no' because they hear it so much. Is she doing this at home? If so, analyse your own language with her. Do you say 'No' a lot?

If it's happening just at Nursery, the likelihood is that she is copying other children or staff.

In addition to this I've been telling DD to say 'no thank you' and she's got confused with the two scenarios.

E.g.
Me: DD it's bedtime
DD: No thank you Mummy
Me: Don't tell Mummy no
DD: I said no thank you?!

Help!

I'm not aware of saying 'no' a lot, but will look at how I'm speaking to her. Thank you.

She is confusing a statement of fact with a question!

Can you put your shoes on?
No
Ok I will help you

Please put your shoes on
No
I'm not asking you I'm telling you. Put on your shoes as we are going to nursery now

Yes that makes sense. I think I need to remember she is only two, I was just worrying about her being naughty at nursery.

As Snowman said, try telling and not asking. You'll be surprised at how much of a difference it can make.

Also, try saying "yes" instead of "no".
Instead of:
"Mummy, can I have a biscuit?"
"No. It's nearly lunch time"

Try:
"Mummy, can I have a biscuit?"
"Yes. You can have one when you've finished your lunch"

A 2yr old is too little to understand when it is and isn't appropriate to say no to someone. They're just beginning to explore their independence so rather than trying to stamp it out just try talking to her differently and sympathising
E.g
"It's bathtime now!"
"No thank you, Mummy"
"I know you're busy and having fun playing but it's bathtime"

You can show her that saying no is okay and you understand why she's saying it but that actually, when you say "bathtime" you mean it!

I know it's frowned upon but I use 'no' rarely. There are other ways to direct DC and also let them feel like they have options.

'You can choose, story first or drink first - which one?'

Or

'You can choose. Do you want a song in bed or a story in bed'

Don't make an issue out of her saying 'no'. It can become a power battle between you both.

We also do the yes thing - I work out when DS can do something - even if it's a few days away'

'I want tv now'
'Yes you can have tv after lunch'

Lots of helpful responses thank you

Or make going to bed a game. Pretend she's a dog or an alien or a robot or what ever. Have a little silly routine you do

Or go for the 'I've got something special to tell you about once your in bed'. You could tell her about a planned holiday or meal or friend or something funny that happened to you today. Or even make up a total whacky story about going for a ride on a unicorn.

I try really really really hard to not say no. I getting a lot of no's from my 3yo and once I thought about it, I would say no a lot. So I try to say 'yes, after we've had our lunch' or 'when x gets here very soon, we will', and save 'no' for dire emergencies and life or death situations!

It's amazing how you get a different reaction from the child!

What? Why wouldn't you say no to your dc if the answer to the question is, in fact, no?
Surely a child who wants tv now is not going to be satisfied because you've said "yes, you can watch tv after lunch"? Won't they just go "But I want to watch tv NOW"?

Anyway, OP - I would let nursery the nursery teachers deal with this, they must get it loads and have various tried and tested ways of dealing with it effectively.

I disagree toddlers only say no because they hear it all the time. I rarely say no, except when in dangerous situations and my ds constantly says no st the moment. He's 2.2

Nurseries do deal with it quite often - sometimes by suggesting to parents that they take the excellent advise in this thread

Seriously tho' "it's a stage"

& you are right "You don't tell grown-ups no" is not ideal as they do have the right to tell grown-ups when they don't like it

The problem with telling her she can't say no to adults is that there are times when saying no is perfectly acceptable. If you ask her if she wants more carrots 'no thank you' is fine. So you are actually being inconsistent and rather confusing by telling her not to say no to you.

I also think that this is a very normal phase that all toddlers go through and you are worrying about it far too much. I would expect the nursery to be capable of dealing with it themselves. If you don't make a big deal of it this will pass once the novelty of refusing stuff wears off.

Worth mentioning the discovery of "no" is a phase in child development and not a problem caused by adults saying it too much. It's to do with becoming aware of free will, opinion and self.
Well meaning prevention and yes-yes-yes at home or nursery (especially in girls) can lead to self confidence issues - either aggression/frustration or meekness - as they get older (think that Simpsons episode where Ned finally explodes! ).

An environment with no nos would actually be unhealthy.

As PP have said teaching HOW to use "no" without being rude or hurtful is great. Also that sometimes a good no might upset someone (another child snatching or breaking her stuff - or more seriously stranger danger!) but that it doesn't mean never say no.
Just don't worry about the fact she loves the word at 2!! It's normal.