Father role and responsibilities

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Hi,

My husband is a workaholic. We both would like to plan a baby but I have been delaying it for a while as he does not contribute with housework etc and I feel that is certainly one indicator that I'm signing up for a big responsbility. There are some MIL issues too but putting all aside, I want my husband to parent and take responsibility of the baby equally. Now in general, he says he will obviously be more involved when the baby comes. But I want to go into finer details and agree so we are on the same page. Is there something I can refer to, which isn't a full book as he won't read it. But highlights the everyday mundane stuff that parents can divide amongst themselves?

Sorry OP but I'm struggling with the question on a number of levels.

What are your limits now, pre-baby? What makes you think your dh will be any more helpful once you have a baby? Ime if a man is clueless about equality before children, so too will he be afterwards. The difference is that by then it's too late, especially as a baby puts even more pressure on a relationship and will expose horribly all those little deficiencies that once you might have been happy to overlook.

On another level, Looking at it in a division of labour way is way too simplistic. That will be based on your own situation - do you both work or just him? Will you be going back to work? A baby is only a baby for so long until you're into their next stage of neediness, which will change with them. I found my ds an easy baby. I've needed my dh's help much more the older he's got. He's always done the housework side of things, so it's been his interaction with ds so i can have some 'me time'.

Over and above anything else it's about intuition about your partner's needs/ wants/ desires - without needing a 'to do' list. It's about taking the pressure, in whichever way is helpful, when either of you need some space to eat, sleep, bathe, go to the toilet, swim, get some fresh air or space to feel like 'you' again.

Sorry if this sounds obscure, but there are so many variables and personal circumstances/ personalities involved in parenting that each situation is so different. I think maybe you're approaching it with the wrong mindset. You're right to be concerned about your dh's current lack of engagement and to try to address it now. I just don't think you can apply a formula to such a massive life change.

Thanks for replying. I know what you mean - it has not been equal. I have taken on most of the housework and will take most share of the child rearing responsibilities too. We both are working full time but I work from home mostly, need to go to office 1day/week. All I have are his words that a baby means different to him, house cleaning is something he would rather pay a cleaner to do. But he says he will do what is needed for the baby. I just want to discuss openly that most fathers would do Task A in the mornings and then be home by 6 or 7pm and do this or that, at least I would know how much willing he is or can practically offer. I'm going to save money to have a nanny? to help out for the first few months anyways. But its too vague to me to ask him all the things he can help out as I don't know what is commonly arranged between couples. Not sure I'm still making any sense

Will you try to breastfeed? I ask because this makes a big difference to how much a man can realistically help on the practical side. I breastfed so did all the night feeds. But dh would wake after i did the last feed (4/5am) and take ds downstairs with him so i could have maybe 3 hours uninterrupted sleep without having to first resettled ds to sleep. He also gave me a lie in at weekends, or took ds for a stroll so i could catch up on sleep during the day. In the evenings we just both muddled through. I'd usually managed to find time to prepare a meal during the day - but we may not have eaten at the same time! One of us would eat while the other comforted ds until they'd finished eating, and then we swapped. Bathtimes we both did because we enjoyed it. While I was feeding and settling ds to sleep at bedtime, dh did other things - make sandwiches for the following day, load or empty the dishwasher etc. Nappies was whoever was lucky enough to realise first he needed changing - except nights which I did because i changed him when i fed him. We had to change our whole routine when i went back to work full time which was the hardest time for us as it significantly cut the time available to us to prepare for the following day. We had to squeeze all chores into the evenings which was also the time we wanted to be spending with ds. We pretty much split everything 50/ 50 and did our best to make our lives easier by being organised. It's always just been about muddling through together - although ds's food has generally been down to me (dh stresses too much about kids and food and i'm happier with taking a more relaxed approach which seems to have served ds pretty well so far). But then I have worked ft since ds was 9 months so i could not have done it otherwise. The only other stuff I've done entirely on my own has been ensuring childcare arrangements, covering ds's medical appointments, booking our family breaks etc. That's because dh is less organised than me, and forgetful.

You might be better reading a book about what you can expect from a baby at different ages. I seem to remember 'Your Baby Week by Week' was a pretty good illustration of the amount/ type of care needed at different ages. I found it harder once ds became mobile - babies sleep a lot during the day giving you time to sleep or do housework. Toddlers don't give you a moment's peace. There were times when I seriously couldn't take a dump in peace!

My STBXH promised he'd be different when a baby came along. He was quite offended that I thought he might not be. But he wasn't different. (Disclaimer: issues were different to yours, but perhaps illustrate that men don't tend to change their spots when they become fathers.)

There's a thread at the moment somewhere else on mumsnet called something like "how much did DP do in the first year". You might find it useful reading.

my experience, which is the same as a lot of other posters on that thread, is that DH could not help too much with the baby care at least in the early days, because I was breastfeeding. and because he was working fairly long hours. but he did all the food shopping, cooking, washing up, tidying, house admin during this time.

once dd would take a bottle (after 4 weeks or so) he did a bottle feed at 10 or 11pm so I could go to bed early and get more sleep. He also sometimes went into work late so he could look after DD for an hour 7-8am (after I did the morning feed) while I napped, especially if I had had a bad night.

Then of course once your child is older and/or not BF he can do much more. For example now we are both back at work. I do most of the weekday mornings and evenings because my hours are shorter but DH does the first 30 minutes once DD wakes (nappy change, milk/breakfast) and he gets home to do bedtime once per week. Then at weekends he takes her out on Saturday ams and also does most of bath and bedtime.

I do most of the child related admin as little describes, but DH does more house/car/finance related admin so it vaguely balances.

Hope this gives you some ideas. Agree it would be worth looking at something like Your Baby Week by Week.

It hugely depends on the child you get. For example little says babies sleep a lot in the day - but mine would only sleep on my lap or in a moving buggy, so didn't let me get a lot done!

Thanks, will get that book and also read the other thread. I have found many ways to reduce the tension around house work so now considering about a baby. I'll read that book and see if we can spend more time as a happy family by hiring help, I would do it. I guess it gets easier when they are about 4-5years old.

my now 6 yo ds does more with his 13month old baby sister than dad does! and im pg again he is now an ex and am on my own...why do you need a nanny? if I can do it alone then you and your dh should be able to sort it between you?! obviously if you do decide you want a nanny it is your decision to make but im just curious as to why you feel you would need one?

Except then you have to factor in homework and school activities etc. There's always something!

It concerns me that you mention 'tension' around housework. What do you mean? Do you feel like you're agreeing to do more housework to avoid confrontations?

Yes I'm doing more housework than I like. I wanted to share housework equally. But he says he doesn't want to spend his weekends cleaning. Now he is obviously too busy during the week for someone who thinks it isn't worth his time on weekends. Opting for a local dog care, a few changes in my schedule and I enjoy the house. I work from home so like a cleaner house. Can't wait for weekends for us to do a weekly clean. I have noticed a big difference on how much more involved my husband is on weekends to do fun stuff and has actually starting cooking each evening that the pressure is off him to come with me for dog walks or his favourite task to clean kitchen, wash dishes, etc. Previously there would be arguments on the weekends about who is going to do what and when. After that, even when he did finally do the chores, I could not appreciate it after asking so many times. His attitude sounds bad in writing but with a little help from outside, I can concentrate more on my job, knowing my dog is in good care and since I'm less annoyed, I don't resent cleaning, everything is much better for me and us.

We are not rich in anyway but if I can have more happy memories than stressful days, its money well spent. I will have professional help for my baby, can hold onto my job and spend happy family time with husband. Sorry I sound too mechanical in planning this but false expectations and getting him to do what he doesn't like just change frustrates me more than its worth. We have recently moved to UK so have no family around to help.

I believe I will be an activity pro mom. Really enjoy kids activities (well its fun with nephews) and outdoors

If he won't even read a full book about the subject now, (I believe Wifework is good) what makes you think he will change his approach once the hand grenade that is a baby is thrown into the relationship?

Why didn't he organise professional help in the house when he didn't want to do his share?

From what you say you seem to already know that you will have to have a nanny because he won't step up and be a parent.

Your posts seem to scream that he doesn't do the shit work because he doesn't want to (like a sulky teenager) - but he doesn't care enough about you as an equal to not dump it on you.

I couldn't respect someone as lazy and selfish as this enough to have a child with them.

I used to believe the same and ended up being miserable, he doesn't like it whichever way you try. But he is a completely different person, the one I really love and enjoy spending my life with, apart from house chores issue. Now I have resolved it in my own way with a few tweaks.

dh doesn't want me to do cleaning either and will pay for a cleaner. We tried cleaners for about 2 months but I decided not to waste money as there is no real need for it atm. I personally don't think this one problem really makes him not worthy of respect and love. What I don't know is if helping around the house is the only issue or will he genuinely share the responsibility of a baby. Was reading the other thread, some husbands help with other things, and everyone seems to have their own arrangement. We'll need to find our own arrangement but it helps to know what works for other people and being aware of babies' needs before having one. Nanny will be a nice to have but I wouldn't hesitate if it keeps the peace. I'll buy the week by week book.

Little not all babies (or mother health) let you do housework. No way. Some are hungry or don't sleep or require holding. Mums with birth injury, pnd or PNA might struggle.
My dh has to do housework. I have a lovely baby but I bf and have PNA and sleep/sensory issues... I'm crushed with throbbing headaches and exhausted at times.

You can't assume it will start easy.

People telling me that at the start contributed to me feeling awful at finding it quite do hard!! And dh thinking he wouldn't have to do much.

I didn't say it was easier at the start. I said I found it easier when my ds was less mobile. I also said i breastfed so it wasn't easy for dh to help with night feeds. I think what I've tried to do is portray a fairly accurate picture of parenthood, in which each phase is challenging for different reasons.

And by 'less mobile' I mean even if they're not asleep you can stick them in a sling and at least get on with something (even if it's eating your own dinner).

I have to say that what worries me most about your posts, op, is there's nothing that indicates you & oh are a team.

In my house (dh & I are same age both work full time, dh has a long commute, I work near home, ds 3 & I'm 7 months pg.) we pull together as a team, rather than divide things equally. Neither of us take the other for granted & we all muck in (including ds). I'm lucky in that dh is no caveman & enjoys cooking & if anything I'm the one that doesn't feel washing up is necessary! There was a time when for almost a whole working week dh didn't get home before ds went to sleep. One night dh expressed his unhappiness about it, then decided he'd make some changes and pick ds up more often - I have to let him get there in his own time.

Parenthood is full of ups & downs. The balance at the beginning (bfing, night feeds) is very different to where you're at when your kid is 3.

I think what you need to sort out is an approach to life, not an approach to managing a house.