Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Not coping with 2

22 replies

MumsGettingDesperate · 20/10/2006 15:36

I have dd1 who is 3 and dd2 who is 5 weeks. I?m fine Monday to Wednesday as dd1 goes to nursery but its just the rest of the week. Dd2 constantly seems to scream unless she?s on the breast but when she?s feeding dd1 wants all my attention.
I?ve tried reading books to her while she?s feeding but dd1 gets bored and I usually resort to letting her scribble over me with face paint.
I feel guilty that I don?t seem to be looking after either of them properly. Since I had the baby it seems like dd1 isn?t the same. She big , rough and quite frustrating most of the time. And I don?t even feel the same for dd2 and I dd1 at this age. Can?t even put her down without her screaming, although I?ve been and bought her a swing today which she?s asleep in now so hopefully that?ll help.
Not sure if any of that makes sense, just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nogoes · 20/10/2006 15:42

I have no experience as I have only the one at the moment, but I do have friends with 2 with less of an age gap than yours and they are experiencing exactly the same problem. It is early days though and from remembering my sister and her two it does eventually fall into place. You sound like you are doing a great job and dd1 will get used to having to share your. The face painting idea made me smile .

catesmum · 20/10/2006 15:44

hang on in there...this is perfectly normal...I remember changing DD1's nappy the day after I had DS and thought she was far too big to be having to do this (she was 19 months...!!!!). It does get a lot easier...just give yourself time to adjust to a whole new baby

happybiggirl · 20/10/2006 15:47

Message withdrawn

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

MumsGettingDesperate · 20/10/2006 15:51

Thanks for your replies. Its probably the tiredness setting in and making me miserable. I haven?t got a double buggy but have been driving round for hours on end to settle them both. I attempted a visit to the park but dd1 ran off while I was sat on the bench feeding dd2, scared me to death!

OP posts:

JodieG1 · 20/10/2006 16:50

I'd suggest trying a sling, they're really great and with baby close to you rather than in a swing or pram etc they will be happier and more content (usually). You can also breastfeed in come sling positions and it's easier to get out and about and give attention to the older child using one. I have a dd 4 years old, ds 3 next week and nearly 28 weeks pregnant and intend to use a sling, there was 22 months between dd and ds but will be 3 years this time.

hotpot · 20/10/2006 19:19

I can totally relate to you, I have ds1 3 1/4 and a 5 month old and I still struggle. Your first born does now seem big and clumsy and wants your attention at the most inconvenient times.

My toilet trained ds1 started lying on the floor and weeing every time I breastfed ds2 and was like a changed child. I have a buggy board which ds1 likes riding whilst I take ds2 out, he is also really well behaved normally and started running off so I put one of those awful wrist straps on him as I told him I couldn't trust him, it worked a treat.

I still feel like I can't give enough time to ds1 despite ds2 now being 5 months but you can only do your best and don't beat yourself up about it. Does it make you laugh now when you thought just looking after a baby was a challenge??!!!!

I make it clear when ds1 has to wait for me to finish doing stuff with ds2 and he also sees that if I am making ds1 a snack/drink etc that ds2 can wait a short while too. Even if it means holding ds2 whilst I continue making snack etc.

I have invested in a sling last week and it is a godsend as ds1 was very independant and ds2 seems much more clingy and you can't just pop them on the floor for fear that your oldest will step on the baby. The only thing he wont do in the sling is sleep because it is so alien to him, but he likes being carried on my hip.

Who said parenting was easy

crayon · 20/10/2006 21:22

I think it is always like this at first and it is really hard for the Mum to watch their first child so unhappy. But, I promise you that there will be a day eventually when you will see that they love each other so much that you will know it has all been worth it.

Our DS1 and DS2 adore each other, I just hope DS3 loves his brothers as much and is loved as much in return.

Crayon

mysticpeaks · 20/10/2006 22:04

It is so hard at first. Mine are 3 months and 16 months. Given the post baby exhaustion as well things get on top of you. It gets so much better though just wait until your youngest grins for the first time at the eldest - its even better than when they smile at you!!! Mine have just become aware of each other and even tho they're so young i can see a bond there. They seem to gain comfort from each other.
Hang in there.

minko · 20/10/2006 22:30

I just came on mumsnet to type an almost identical message to yours, now I don't need to! My DD is 3 and DS is 6 weeks. DS is fine, I can cope with him, though obviously the tiredness thing is pretty much his fault! It's DD who is the problem, always demanding attention, whining in a really annoying 'baby' voice (that she;s only started to do since DS arrived) and generally regressing into a baby. She even did a poo in her pants today!

Generally she has just started being really naughty since DS arrived and I guess it's jealousy. I can see she's unhappy but I jsut don't have the energy or patience to cope with it and end up shouting at her which obviously makes things worse. I feel like such a failure as a mother. DP goes on about being stressed at work and tired and isn't too supportive either.

Just hope it gets easier soon. Right now I can't wait for DD to start school. My mum told me today that these are the happiest days of my life, yeah right...

bluejelly · 20/10/2006 22:36

It's hard for the older child but they do adjust. And believe me they will appreciate having a sibling far more than having boring old mummy to themselves for the rest of their lives

3andnomore · 20/10/2006 22:45

HI there,
I had 21 month between ms and ys, after having 6 1/2 years between es and ms, lol, and it seems that the scenario you describe is pretty normal, unless you are bleesed with a very happy Baby....anyway, ys is the most uncontented and grumpiest lil one I have ever met, and I have been made to feel inadequate in all respects so often, but you know what, there is light at the end of the tunnel...ms is now almost 4 and ys is 2+ now and, even though there is still fighting and screaming going on, there is less and less of it all the time, and there are so many times that they play so lovely together and laugh together and they just can be soooooooo cute together....it really is all worth it!
So, just hang in there and go with the flow

burstingbug · 20/10/2006 22:49

My ds1 is 20mths and ds2 is 9 weeks, so with only 18mths between them it is really hard work. I'm also breast feeding ds2 so ds1 plays up big time then and tries to climb on the pair of us, slapping his brother and pinching him etc just to get a reaction from me ds 1 has also taken to undressing himself completly and taking his nappy off! Today he did it and then wee'd on the sofa, then had a complete tantrum because I put his nappy back on and dressed him again - this happened numerous times today.

Lact8HisLiverWithANiceChianti · 20/10/2006 23:00

Hi, yet another one who understands what you are going through.

There's 22 months between ds2 and dd. I remember I used to be petrified when ds1 and dp left the house in the morning, thinking of a whole day of just me, ds2 and a new baby.

And it was hard. Ds2 would do allsorts to get my attention when I was feeding DD. I'd try to plan as much in advance as I could, have a selction of books, toys, remote control for tv and dvd all to hand so I had things to entertain him while I fed her.

And now, dd is 10 months old and they are such good company for each other, he loves kissing her and she thinks he's fab. He still hits her sometimes but she's started giving back as good as she gets.

And the feelings of how horrendous it felt at the time are starting to fade. It does get easier.

I also remember noticing a change when dd could support her head. I got her a bumbo seat which I found great and dd seemed much happier when she could see what was going on and ds2 calmed down around that time too.

tiredandgrumpy · 20/10/2006 23:09

I have ds who is nearly 3 and dd who is 6 months. Things are getting easier, although my great relationship with ds has degenerated beyond recognition. He's quite a handful these days, which is clearly to do with jealousy. It's very sad to look back on the days before I got pregnant and to remember how well we got on. Still, I can see better times ahead and can say that things are getting easier - as dd gets older the interaction between the kids gets more fun to watch. ds can get by far the best giggles out of dd just by jumping up and down in front of her!

For those of you struggling with younger babies, the one tip I can give is to get your older child to help out - eg. dd used to hate bathtimes and screamed constantly. It was only when I put her in the bath with her big brother that instantly, miraculously, she switched to really enjoying them - so be brave!

Oh - and the guilt thing. Think we just have to accept it as part of life for the next few years. The little blighters are genetically programmed to make us feel permanently inadequate.

MrsWednesday · 20/10/2006 23:15

My DS1 was nearly 3 when his brother was born and I remember feeling so stressed and guilty that neither of them were getting the attention they both needed. DS1 was really hard work, badly behaved and demanding, and I spent a lot of time shouting at him.

Two things helped me: putting DS2 in a sling when we were out and about; and having some time with DS1 on his own. Most of the stress from him came because bad behaviour was the only way to get noticed. Unfortunately DS2 was left to cry much more than DS1 was, but in the long run it hasn't done him any harm, and now that he's 16 months, it's a joy to see the two of them together. Younger siblings might lose out in one way but they gain a lot by having an older one around to provide ready-made entertainment

DS1 got to watch a lot of telly when I was feeding DS2 - is that an option for your DD1? Maybe watch a special video when it's time for DD2's feed?

It will get better soon - you're still recovering from the birth and lack of sleep too. The first few weeks are just about survival - no one (apart from you!) will remember the early months. Take care.x

Lact8HisLiverWithANiceChianti · 20/10/2006 23:17

Oh yes, tiredandgrumpy, I'd forgotten about that (see I told you it fades ) ds2 became my little helper. Fetching nappies, wipes, breast pads, \nything I could think of to keep him feeling part of it.

I also made myself get them up and dressed and out for a walk as early as possible. I know its hard without a double pram, but it got us out of the house for a while and def saved my sanity.

I'd also plan how I'd get through each hour and talk to ds2 about what we'd be doing.

Do you have a playgroup you could go to on the days when there's no nursery? I found the other mums were more than willing to take dd off my hands and it gave me a chance to have a cup of tea in peace and spend some time with my focus just on ds2

burstingbug · 20/10/2006 23:26

I remember bursting into tears whilst in labour with ds2 wondering what on earth I was doing, thinking of how ds1 was going to feel when he had a sibling to contend with. Dreading how I would cope with 2. I still feel sad for ds1.
I try to get out to a toddler/baby group every day with the pair of them - just to get me out and keep me sane!

LadyOfTheFlowersAKA2Babies0Bum · 20/10/2006 23:29

mgd. i have ds1 who is 15m and ds2 is 5 weeks. i know exactly where you are coming from.
if you want to email me you can on [email protected]

Mirage · 21/10/2006 08:08

I went through a similar experience with my dd's.They are 20 months apart & for the 1st 6 months or so,I thought I had ruined my life by having another baby so close.

It didn't help that dd1 was an unusually placid,happy child who slept through the night at 9 weeks & never got us up in the night again until she had a bad dream just after her 1st birthday.Whereas dd2 screamed almost continually,would wake every few hours & wanted to be attached to me at all times.She was never happy.

Now they are 3 & 17 months & they share a room,play together & are a delight.I am so glad that there is a small age gap & that they will always have each other.

I found that it got easier at about 6 months.Before that,I used to go to mum & babuy groups a lot.The other mums would look out for each others children,so I could spend time with one or another of the girls.

Good luck,I do feel for you,but hang on in there.

lostinfrance · 21/10/2006 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lostinfrance · 21/10/2006 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

amphion · 21/10/2006 12:44

I had three, and used to do what happybiggirls did - take them out with the double buggy - side by side Maclaren one was best for maneovrability (sp?), and lightness, and was high enough/weighted correctly to be able to be 'tipped' to get it up kerbs without killing yourself - cos cheaper double buggies (I tried the Argos one - useless) can't cope with the weight of a three year old. Although 3 year old can walk, it won't be far and this way you can get out even when the weather is miserable. I found the Maclaren one was o.k. even with 4 year old. BTW - I became very toned in the stomach and upper arms/shoulders areas.

Flip