Newborns don't throw tantrums and they can't be 'bad'!!!!!

[juulie]

Can I just take a moment to call out something really weird and inappropriate that people say to new Mums? I can barely get through a day without hearing the phrase 'Is she good?' at least once and this started happening virtually as soon as my daughter came out. What else would she be?

Even more disturbing is that professionals often say this and worse: one midwife said my daughter was having a 'girly tantrum' when she cried during a heel prick and advised me she was probably making a 'fuss' about having a poo when I asked advice about her crying inconsolably a lot at nights (which turned out to be colic).

The midwife was a nice lady actually and most of these people are nice and well meaning, but please don't attribute a tendency or ability to intentionally exaggerate, deceive or play up to my newly born baby! She does not throw tantrums or make a fuss. She just shows distress if she feels it. Please don't ask me to categorise her for you as 'good' or 'bad' either!

I know I know, it's short hand for how easy or hard it is looking after her and the person is taking an interest and probably doesn't really believe deep down that a tiny baby is evil, naughty or bad if it cries too much, but it's a weird and loaded habit that should be revised. How do people feel if they feel they have to answer that their baby is not 'good'???!!!

We shouldn't slap a value judgement on babies that mean they are only 'good' if they stay sufficiently quiet and sleep in a particular manner and quantity! You could probably just ask how she or I have been getting on or something. AIBU? Thank you!

Saying "is she good?" Is a bit like "did you have a nice Christmas?" Nobody's really that bothered about your answer, it's just something to say at the bus stop or wherever.

The one that I've found really irritating is Mil referring to 4 month old DD as 'flirting' With FIL. I know people don't mean any harm, but I agree with OP, things like that are annoying.

OP, I completely agree about professionals who should know better coming out with this twaddle. When DD was just a few hours old, and screaming her head off as well she might in the circumstances, one of the hospital midwives looked at her and said, "Look, no tears - she's just putting it on." WTF!!! Newborns generally don't cry tears as the tear ducts often aren't fully developed at birth. Fortunately I knew that, but another mother might have taken her at her word and assumed that her baby was being 'naughty' or 'manipulative'. So not just stupid and annoying, but possibly dangerous.

People aren't labelling babies though, you are MASSIVELY over thinking this. They are making small talk, asking how you are finding thingsok good might not be the best word to use but they are not labelling children as bad etc.

Some babies are far easier than others people are just making small talk about it to you and wondering how you & newborn are settling into life.

I agree with you OP. And words are not without power.

I don't really mind this in principle but dd2 is not a 'good' bsby. Colicky refluxy and general hatred of being held by people who aren't me. But when I give a jokey 'nope' as a response to the is she good question I'm met with horror and frozen smiles. People always expect you to say yes! Lying makes me weary though.

This bugs me, I forgot about it from first time, I now have 5wk old DS2 and getting it all the time!
I just say 'he's a baby!'
Also, 'are you up in the night?'
Of course, he is 5 wks old!

I think people just want something to say, and generally have forgotten what a newborn is like!

It always annoyed the hell out if me too, and it still annoys me even now that DS is two when people try to slap on the 'good' or 'bad' labels. He's a toddler with huge amounts of brain development and learning going on - sometimes he copes fine and sometimes it completely overwhelmes him and he throws a wobbly.

I think I get wound up by this because my brother and I were defined by the 'good' and 'bad' labels throughout our childhood and it was really damaging to us both. In fact our behaviour was just our very different ways of trying to cope with the horrendous tension in our parents' marriage - me by trying to make everything ok and be as good as possible and my brother by rebelling. The labels were a convenient way to hide the fact that we were actually both suffering and needed help and attention.

Sorry, seem to have gone off on a bit of a rant. I'm sure in most cases it's just harmless small talk, but I just really don't like defining amazing little individual human beings by how 'convenient' they are for the adults around them.

I despise this claptrap. It feeds into a wider issue: people blaming children for being children, eg not understanding that tantrums are developmentally normal. Fucks me right off.

Yab a bit u. It's just the sort of thing people say - they're being chummy, amusing, interested, chatty. They don't think those comments are taken seriously.

"Is she good?" just means "are you ok?"

The "girly tantrum" comment was the MW trying to keep things light, because she knows it's often hard for mums of new babies to see their little one cry in shock and pain at the heel prick.

Seriously, the more I read MN the more I think you really and truly can't say anything to anyone without inadvertently offending or annoying people.
It's hard bloody work.

The "girly tantrum" comment was the MW trying to keep things light, because she knows it's often hard for mums of new babies to see their little one cry in shock and pain at the heel prick.

Well why not just smile sympathetically and say it can be hard? Instead of spouting nonsense?

God this place is full of humourless po-faced new mums.

Do you know...my friend and I bumped into an acquaintance with a new baby on Saturday and my friend asked "is she good?" really meaning "is all well?". It was just a friendly exchange of niceties, showing pleasure and interest in her new baby.

My friend is a good woman...she's got time for everyone, is generous and kind, a great mum to three, and bloody funny.
I hate to think our acquaintance went away with sour thoughts about her and the conversation. She didn't seem to, but perhaps she is on a forum somewhere carping about it.

Peppermint - I don't know why she said what she did, and not something else. When people said those things to me, I didn't give them much thought.

It is just a way of people asking "are you OK? Does baby sleep well? Eat well? Not colicy?" without interrogating you with lots of questions. In some ways its nicer than all of the above questions being asked because its easier to be selective in which bits you answer.

I also think its a generational thing. The only people I've come across who use that phrase are, at youngest late 40's, mostly older. In their generation it was the normal way of asking. They aren't actually saying is your baby an horrible, attention seeking, naughty thing - normal people know babies can be non of those things.

Its not worth stressing about.

Aw. Just coz this foible of common language troubles me / those who agree with me doesn't make us humourless and po faced! That's a bit sweeping! I've already said I don't have hard feelings towards the people involved too, so don't worry, no sour thoughts. Blimey, it's a forum for chat isn't it? My first go at writing a post. I get that people will have different views. I didn't realise there'd be thread police! Anyway, other than that, really enjoyed reading all your comments. A lot of people obviously do get it.

I wouldnt know what to say, what do you mean by good? And wonder what they would reply with