How to discuss death with a 2 year old?

[bagofsnakes]

My son is 2.7 years old and is increasingly fascinated by the idea that other people have mummies and daddies. He was delighted to find out that Grandad is my daddy and Grandma is my mummy, likewise that his other Grandma is DH's mummy. The thing is DH's father died some years ago, before DS was born and he had started to ask DH about him. DH is great, he tells him all about his father and shows him photos but today DS asked to talk to him. DH explained that we can't talk to him and tried to explain why. DS didn't understand and became upset, thinking that we were denying him a simple thing. DH then became upset. Then, in my pregnant hormonal state, so did I. So that was the three of us hugging and crying with no real answers for DS.

So, how do we do it? How do we answer the question - 'We're is your daddy, Daddy?' and 'Why can't I talk to him?'

While we are Christian, we neither of us believe in a literal Heaven, so it doesn't feel quite right to use that.

Any advice, especially if you've had to have this conversation with a LO yourself, would be very welcome.

'He's gone to heaven'. Not much more for a 2 year old really. You don't want to have deep discussions about life, death etc with a toddler.

Oh, how sad OP :( poor little DS, and poor you.

DD was born a few years after we lost DH's Mum. His Dad remarried and his wife has always been Grandma. We call DH's Mum 'Daddy's Mummy' and DD has her name for her middle name. I think we used to keep it really simple - 'Daddy's Mummy died so we can't see her any more, we can only remember her. She was very poorly and couldn't get better. It is very sad' Then we'd change the subject.

As DD has got older (now 5), we have been able to expand on the story as she shows more curiosity, but I'd say just keep it really simple.

It's sad that he got so upset about it, and that it brought up some painful memories. We often think of DH's Mum and how she'd have loved to meet her DGC - it is a sad situation (though their Grandma is ace). I hope you're all feeling a bit better now.

I wish I could help. I'm actually posting to follow this thread as I'm anticipating a similar situation. My partner's dad died about 8 years ago and my mum died 3 years ago. My little one is 21 months old, so hasn't reach the point of asking but I'm dreading it, especially as it's quite raw still. I am an atheist so I don't really believe in heaven, so that's me a bit stumped!

Just to cheer me up even more, my son who is still learning to talk and making up his own version of words calls his grandma (my OH's mum) by a word that is very similar to the name of my beloved grandma who died 18 months ago. I really hope that passes!

We had a similar issue 6 months ago when my grandma passed away (she was like my mum to me) DD who was 4.7 yo at the time she died.

We said grandma had gone up in the sky to watch over everybody and that night we took DD outside and showed her the sky full of stars and told her that her grandma was one of them. She asked who the others were and we told her that there is a star for all the special people who go to the sky to live.

DD was the star in her school nativity this year and she came home when she found out and said she was going to be a star like grandma.

she looks out her window every night and says good night to her grandma

That's very sweet Meplusyou.

Actually, that reminds me, one of the books I've read to my son a lot as one of his bedtime stories is quite nice and matches that sentiment, which was the reason I chose it - even though the first time I read it to him I cried (but he was a little baby, so didn't notice!). It's called "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori. There's a bit at the end that reads;

“Small said, "But what about when we are dead and gone, will you love me then, does love go on?"

…Large (replied) "Look at the stars, how they shine and glow, some of the stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight never dies…”

Thank you all for the lovely support and ideas.

Concrete I do feel better now, thank you. When DH finishes his work for the evening I'm going to have a chat with him about it all. I'm going to suggest that we agree on a way to explain it to him so that next time we're prepared. I think that part of the issue today was that we just weren't prepared and so we floundered, struggled and then cried.

Meplusyou - stars might just be the way forward.

Havingkittens - that book sounds beautiful but I am going to have to be in a MUCH more hormonally/emotionally stable place to read it to him... just the lines you put there made me well up!

We started off explaining to them that every living creature dies, eg look what happens to the cut flowers in the house after a while.

Animals and humans live their lives and eventually when they are very old everything gets worn out and the person dies. It's very sad for us because we miss them but we are happy to have had them in our lives. We believe that they are with God now and that they are at peace. We think about them and remember lovely memories and they hold a special place in our hearts.

As the children got older and asked questions we explained that yes sometimes people of all ages sometimes die from illness or in accidents.

So sorry bag, it is such a hard thing to do. My dd was very close to my grandfather when he passed away when she was nearly 2. She was in the house at the time and very distressed that we were we all obviously very upset but we gently explained to her that Grandpa had gone to live in the clouds. She still asks about him regularly (as often as last week) and now that she is nearly 3 she asks more questions. We've found that the simplest thing to tell her is that he has gone to live in the clouds and that even though we can't see him anymore, we will never forget him and we can still talk to him and the wind will carry it up to the clouds so he can hear. We haven't mentioned heaven as we felt it would be a bit much for her at this age, and she seems happy with the clouds explanation.
I hope that helps.

DHs Nan died yesterday, so we had to sit the boys (7 and 4) down to tell them last night.

DS2 : so now we have to speak really slowly and loud so she understands?
DH and I : errrrr no we can't talk to her anymore, sadly she died.
DS2 : we can, we just have to talk really loud
DH and I :
DS1 : she's not DEAF, she's DEAD!
DS2 : DEAD?
DS1 : yes, she went URGH (dramatic swoon onto sofa with tongue sticking out)
DS2 : ohhhh. So no more sweets then? (She'd give them a wine gum when we visited).
DH and I both collapsed into giggles I'm ashamed to say!

OP, at 2 I don't know that your son will really understand the concept of death, DS2 certainly didn't.

So you talk about your DH's father and have pictures about?

'No Matter What' is a very lovely book. As it happens, it's on iPlayer at the moment being read as a CBeebies bedtime story - here, read by James McAvoy. Such a sweet, gentle story.

having kittens is that the big and small book? I think I've seen that episode

bag of snakes it was the nicest way I could think of explaining it without her getting to upset

Yes, it is. The one with the mum and little fox. I think I can recite it verbatim without the book now!