Being a 'bad sport'

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

I'm currently listening to the wails of a 9 yr old, as a result of her having a tantrum over the rules of a game we were playing (T-Rex, in case that's relevant - a 'fight' between dinosaurs resulted in her going back to the riverbed).

I hate playing any kind of games with DD cod this always happens - she can't stand anything other than 100% success & really over reacts. She was actually winning but this set back resulted in a total flounce & now a full on tantrum over me 'hurting her feelings' because I told her we play by the rules or we don't play at all.

At 9 yrs old Id hoped we'd got past this, but it seems not. So, any suggestions on how to address said wailing 9 yr old? Ignore? Not take her to her trampoline class? Start game again to see if we can get to the end without a repeat performance (as long as she wins of course )?

Sorry but you are late to the ballgame. My twin GC just turned six, and they have been able to play and lose in good spirits for at least a year. We talk about how it is just fun to play and it doesn't matter if you win or lose. I don't make a big deal if I win, I'll say lets see who comes in second.

My older GC, three boys ages 8, 8 and 10, and I were playing Sorry over Christmas. Henry did not get to move for ages, we were feeling bad for him, and he ended up winning. It was his new game too! Two of the boys have a cousin who just turned ten and she has to win or she throws a strop. Her father will give her Monopoly money or the best properties.

Some good games for winning even tho you are hopelessly behind are Ludo and Sorry. They are similar games.

I don't think you meant this to be taken seriously. It would be cool for your DD and my GC's cousin to play though! It would be quite a match. ;-)

Dd is 5 but we found that an episode of my little pony geared towards "It's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts." totally changed her attitude.
(We don't do a lot of telly and discuss everything we watch together afterwards.)

I would actually play more games so she gets more used to losing tbh.

Yes lots of chat about why we play etc.

Hansie- the award for 'most unhelpful response' goes to you!

I have a DS, also age 9, who cannot follow standard rules for any game. He has to be in control, makes up his own rules. He also struggles with other unwritten rules. This means that complicated board games are impossible to play and he gets very frustrated very quickly. He will stop anyone else playing. I find it very sad - I grew up playing loads of board games. But for my DS the taking part, the winning or not winning - that isn't the issue. So I wonder if your DD is feeling pressure from somewhere. Perhaps she just doesn't like games?

It was not an unhelpful response. Do you approve of kids who have to win?

Thanks for the replies.

Spring, you were right to suspect something else was fuelling this reaction. And it was a complete over reaction to the situation, even by past standards. When she eventually calmed down & was able to tell me in what way I'd hurt her feelings (rather than deflect the reason she was having a total melt down) we got somewhere. She has always struggled with game rules & it seems that others she plays with change rules to suit them (at school/play dates) .& she always ends up being bossed about or being on the losing side as a result. She's frustrated with this but too scared to say anything to her friends in case they then fall out with her & 'tell' on her for being mean. So all that frustration & not saying anything means she wants to win when we play & over reacts when something goes against her.

Her best friend bosses her around in games in her house (which DD says she doesn't mind as its her friends house) but then does the same when she has a play date with DD at her Gran's house (our heating is broken atm) on the basis it's not DD's house either - so DD feels she's always being bossed around & never gets to be in charge in her games in her home. I've overheard them talking & I have noticed some things her friend has said (I don't get involved) but then she's a very sharp girl who switches on the charm for grown ups so I think she's just someone that bit more switched on than DD & who knows how to get what she wants. DD's naivety is I think what is really behind all this. That, and not knowing how to be assertive when she feels she's being walked over.

We have talked about this lots over the years & I thought we'd got past all this already, but I think she's finding some of her friendships are a bit unbalanced in terms of whose in charge & who wins, & doesn't know how to deal with that, so I get all that frustration spilled out over something pretty unimportant.

At least we've got something to work on & I'm trying to now get her to see that others have learned from losing to get better the next time. Hopefully she can learned to be assertive without getting too bossy herself & reach a balance in her friendships or realise when someone simply isn't being a good friend at all.

Thanks for the responses.