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Original poster

How to help Dsd cope with mentally ill mum.

19 replies

sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:19

Hello, have changed my name for this as its a very sensitive subject and I think the mum involved has used mn in the past.

I'm really worried about the mental health of my dh's exp. She presents all the symptoms of Borderline personality disorder and we can't do anything about it.

My main worry is for the welfare of my sd and her half siblings.

The story is a long one which I can't really go into in too much detail but will give you some background info.

Sd lives with us half of the time and at her mums the other half. She is always very unhappy to go back there and knows her mum has problems.

She is now 11 and has worked out how often her mum lies to her about things. Also she ends up doing a lot of the childcare at home for her younger siblings.

Her mum is very volatile and flits from relationship to relationship not always with the most suitable men. She split from her husband of a year last summer which really upset sd as she felt safer in the house then, basically he would listen to her and living there became managable

We got Sd a counsellor in May which has helped a lot, she was suffering a lot of psycotic symptoms, stammering and bedwetting. Recently she has starting wetting again and has become withdrawn which is troubling us.

Her mum is very very secretive and has threatened sd into silence before. When dh took her to her mums to collect pe kit 2 nights ago he saw that her youngest dd 2 had bruising to the side of her head. We mentioned it to sd and she said that she was always bumping into things at the moment but didn't say how or what. Also she expressed to us that her db was frequently asking for daddy when upset so his mum ignored him when he was upset. Sd has to comfort him. (she has withdrawn all contact with the Father against his will)

We have spoken to SS in the past and they have basically said that while there are concerns they are not great enough to take any action and seem to just think it is exes fighting. I am really worried for the little ones at the moment and don't know what to do.

The mum comes across as very together and presentable and can lie for England so its really hard getting anyone to take notice. Sd's counsellor has suggested to her that mum is mentally ill without us saying anything to either the counsellor or sd. The counsellor has also told us that she thinks there are child protection issues.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Help!

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gigglinggoblin · 18/10/2006 17:21

if the counsellor suspects child protection issues shouldnt they report it? i would have a word with them, ss will prob listen to them more than you.

Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:30

We have done but they were relating to events that occurred a year ago. We reacted by contacting ss then. Sd is staying firmly schtum on what is happening at the moment and dh is not allowed past the driveway at her mums house to check if things are ok.

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PinkTulips · 18/10/2006 17:31

it is the concllours duty to report the matter if he suspects someone may be in danger.

i'm so sorry your sd has to cope with this, is there anyway you could convince her to tell ss about at least some of the problems at home? i know its hard for her but maybe if you try and get across to her that her mother needs help but won't get it unless sd tells ss whats going on

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Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:33

That is what I'm trying to do as I think its the only way we will be listened too. Had a good chat this morning and managed to get as far as mum is shouting a lot from her. Her self esteem is very low though as her mum is very emotionally abusive.

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foxinsocks · 18/10/2006 17:39

Having to live with someone like that is going to emotionally destroy her.

I'm sorry the step mum is suffering but the fact that she is not getting help means she is failing to care for her children.

I would go back to SS, ask the counsellor to speak to them aswell and I would probably apply to have her stay with you for more than half the week.

I know what convincing liars parents can be when they have to be. Unfortunately, I think the strength of your case depends on your sd talking about what is happening - I wonder if you could talk to the counsellor on your own and find out what she thinks your sd is capable of (in terms of whether she is ready to talk).

Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:43

I am the step mum and I am NOT failing to care for my sd! I rang ss last week and they have not called me back, dh has written to them today. WE have spent a year trying to get residency through the family court but cafcass went against us. The mum lied her way through it and they didnt check the facts. Sd told cafcass she wanted to spend more time with us and the cafcass officer said we had influenced her Currently have official complaint lodged with cafcass. I am pulling my hair out trying to get something done but not getting anywhere!

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foxinsocks · 18/10/2006 17:48

aarrghh sorry, meant mum not step mum

(was trying to sort supper out while I was posting!)

foxinsocks · 18/10/2006 17:49

I think you are being fab

Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:50

Phew! Thought you meant me! I know she is and they are such lovely kids too. Good idea about talking to the counsellor again its tricky because of confidentiality though.

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sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:51

Thanks! Have felt like I'm going mad this past couple of years though tons more has happened than I've been able to put on here and nobody official listens! It was a relief when the counsellor picked up on the problem our solicitor gets it too but thats it!

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ggglimpopo · 18/10/2006 17:52

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks · 18/10/2006 17:53

yes I agree but I don't think you need to ask her to tell you what sd has said - you can approach it as worried parents, asking her whether she thinks sd will cope with having to give any info about her mum to 3rd parties. It's bloody horrible having to speak about your own mother in that way - it's like the ultimate betrayal.

Also, having the counsellor on your side will strengthen any case you make with SS/child protection.

You could also call the NSPCC to see what they think.

Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:55

Gp and hv didn't help. Dh is at a different surgery to me and his exp won't let him move sd. Gp refered us to a local pyschaitric worker but he was useless. Told us we were being great and that it sounded like mum was the problem he gave us the number of teenrelate for a counsellor for sd which is good but that was it!
HV said that shared care didnt benefit all kids but couldnt do anything.

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Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 17:58

Dh rang nspcc last year got nowhere, the attitude seems to be well at least she spends half the time with you! May be worth trying again as think mum not coping as single parent of 4, plus we know she has been violent to at least 2 exp's, though nothing on record.

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ggglimpopo · 18/10/2006 18:01

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Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 18:03

Ah not done that! Only gone via council child protection services are they different?

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ggglimpopo · 18/10/2006 18:04

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Original poster
sadstepmum · 18/10/2006 18:13

Will do have looked at MINDS website the list of symptoms for bpd is so unbelievably accurate! Was almost a relief seeing it written down.

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Original poster
sadstepmum · 19/10/2006 11:28

Can't work out how to go through health everything points back to council child protection!

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