AIBU to say no to DH taking DS for a few hours with no means of feeding him?

[WhyNotSmile]

DS (5 mo) has been sleeping really badly of late; last night he was up every 45 minutes (combination of teething, eczema, sleep regression and possibly a cold coming). He has always been mainly breastfed, but used to get 1 bottle of formula per night from DH. However, he's been refusing this for about a fortnight now, and just screams until I come and bf him. Obviously, this means I have to do all the night feeds, and I'm exhausted!

We go to PILs once per week (DH goes separately once a week as well). I suggested to DH that I would like to skip it this week, as I'm tired and could do with a rest (by the time DH gets home from work, there's only really 2 hours till bedtime starts, and they're filled with me doing laundry, having a shower, dinner etc, so I don't really get a break). So my suggestion was that we all skip the visit, DH can look after DS for an hour, and I can get a rest. DH has said no, he wants to go to his parents' house, and wants DS to go too. I asked how he planned to feed DS if he gets hungry, and he said "I'll take a bottle of formula, and if he's hungry enough, he'll take it".

I'm not convinced by this - DS has never yet refused a bottle and then come round to the idea. He usually cries and cries until he's sick. I think he'll whip himself into a frenzy, and by the time he gets home it'll take me so long to calm him that the rest will have been pointless. I also can't stand the thought of him being hungry and wondering why I'm not there, and being all confused and upset. He's not well at the moment, and has been extra clingy.

The visit would take about 2-3 hours. He's pretty much guaranteed to be hungry at some point. They only live 20 mins away, but I know that DH wouldn't come home early just because DS is screaming. I don't want him crying for me for that length of time.

The alternatives are that we go as normal, so I don't get a rest, or DH goes without us, so I still don't get a rest (unless DS happens to sleep) and DH is cross, or none of us go.

Am I being unreasonable to say that DH can't take DS with no means of feeding him? Or am I being too PFB about it all?

I'd nip the set in stone visits in the bud , tell him you will go another night if DS and yourself are feeling more up to it .

Personally I think you should let them go. If your baby really does get upset it's not far but there is a good chance he will be ok. Mine was always better behaved at that age when I wasn't around!
I also think your dh visiting PiL twice a week is a bit much BUT taking the baby off your hands for a couple of hours (to give you a break) sounds like a good idea.

BeeRayKay, yes, I would think twice a week to my parents was excessive. Especially if we did both, and only had 3 remaining evenings a week at home.

It's not about how often dh or op visit their parents. My observations and comments which may well be unfounded were about dh apparent lack of flexibility/choosing to stick to the routine over his dw's express wishes. She's tired. She wants to stay at home as a family. He still wants to visit his parents....

Sorry. Cross posting there x

Yes, chinateapots, that's the frustrating part. I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with that. This type of situation is one of the side effects, I guess. I don't really see that it's worth upsetting DS over a dinner that happens every week, but I do know that DH needs to be able to take him out on his own.

I think I'll see how tonight goes, and take it from there. If DS has another wakeful night, then I'll be in serious need of sleep, and I'd also prefer that he wasn't brought home in a state just before bedtime tomorrow. If he sleeps, all will be ok!

I'm actually a bit jealous, I wish dp would demand he take ds for 2hours to his mums, the bubble bath I could have would be blissful . Especially as I work a full time job with a 6mo that wakes 4+ times a night lol

4 evenings a week! That would be horrendous. Two is enough, in fact one is plenty. DH must be a real family orientated guy, or a bit of a mummys boy (?) Go with your gut instinct. Hope DS is feeling better soon x

Let them go. You need the rest. DH needs to learn to deal with screaming child - or it puts him off so much that he will realise that sticking rigidly to routine of seeing PILES twice a week is bad idea. Both my DC started nursery aged 6 months (so yes a bit older) as bottle refusers who would eat about a teaspoon of solids a day. Eventually they gave in but it did them no harm to go without for about 10 hours each day for the first couple of weeks - but did mean me spending even more time feeding morning and evening. I suspect that you will cope so much better with screaming baby if you have had two extra hours if sleep.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, or PFB, at all. But then again, I have a PFB 6 month old, recent bottle refuser!
The thing that worrys me about your situation is you say your DH wouldn't bring him back if he doesn't settle. If he were to try the bottle, DS doesn't settle, so he brings him home early then that's fine.
My DD used to take bottles fine. I went out recently leaving DH with a bottle. Came home and she was screaming blue murder. She'd refused the bottle but settled straight away when I started BFing. Not trying to wory you, just being honest. Your son mag take the bottle if you aren't there, but it's not a given.
DD also hasn't slept longer than an hour and a half at a time for a week, so I feel your pain there!

the real concern is that it sounds like the DH puts his relationship with his parents over and above the needs of his child (i.e. not returning if baby won't feed or settle and starts screaming), not to mention the wishes of his wife.

Thanks all! Had a better night last night; still not as good a sleep as I'd have liked, but way better than the past few nights! So all is fine for this evening after all.

Reading back, though, I realise that the thing that really annoyed me was DH's inflexibility when I really was exhausted. I have depression and do need to be careful to get lots of rest, and sometimes it feels like his parents and siblings always come first and my needs aren't priority. I don't think he really appreciates how important rest is for me.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone. Hopefully we can get DS back onto accepting a bottle soon - he'll be on solids in a couple of weeks anyway.

YANBU and I really feel for you because, for me, this would be a really big deal. My baby is only 2 months (and I realise 5 months is a fair bit older) but it would absolutely break my heart to let mine go anywhere for more than half an hour. In fact, 15 minutes has been my max so far, and that's only so I could see the GP on my own. Just the thought of her crying and me not being there..... I can't bare it.

I read somewhere that until the age of 1 the baby doesn't even think of themselves as a separate entity from you. They believe you and them are the same person.

However, I'm trying to get my head around the idea that, at some point, it would be nice to be able to detach myself for an hour or two so this subject is on my mind a lot.

I was thinking, maybe at 4 months, introducing a sucky cup. Also (if she's ready) some puréed food/baby rice. So this might be an option for someone else looking after her.

Sorry.... This doesn't help you at all. Other than to say I think you're being reasonable and its reminded me I need to put a bit more thought into this and how I'll handle this situation.

Without a doubt I'd let them go. If it's only 20 mins away then I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

He maybe thinks he's being helpful taking DS out, giving you some time to yourself, and he obviously has faith in his own abilities as a father.

When I was suffering badly from depression, DH took the boys out regularly to give me a break. It was a huge help, and the only thing he said he felt able to do to practically help me get better.

Within reason I'd encourage it. If your DH is the stubborn kind and will let your child scream for hours just to prove a point then absolutely not. He's being a rubbish guest too.

My experience with two DD's is that the bottle refusing started when they started teething. I read somewhere on the internet that sucking on a bottle because of the different mouth action to bfing, brings blood to the gums and makes them more painful. Starting weaning made the problem even worse as they could top up on solids and refuse a bottle entirely.

Give him a good evening feed, a teething powder perhaps or some calpol before they go [if there are signs of teething like flushed cheeks], and a bottle of formula plus a sterilized cup. The top off a bottle is perfect if you don't have a sippy cup as yet. It's messy though so your MIL may be precious about her sofas.

At 5 months though I'd expect your child to be in an evening routine (not withstanding illness]. Is your DH heading out when he gets in from work to pass a child around relatives until 9pm? Your DC will be totally overtired and whingy.

Whether you let them go or not is your call, though sounds to me like you could do with a couple hours off! I do understand you might worry about how ds is away from you though.

DD is a bottle refuser most of the time too. I've found feeding her slowly from a syringe works well though, also spoon feeding her expressed milk. You could also try a cup. All tend to be a bit messy, but if your DH is up to it let him have a try!

We all went in the end. DS had a huge feed while we were there, so that was good. He screamed the whole way home though - quite often does, as he's tired by then, but this was more than usual, so it has taken a while to settle him again.