All 4 Grandparents to visit straight after birth - too much?

[Motherinmarch]

The headline says it all, really. Will having both sets of grandparents to visit be too stressful after our baby is born? We're first-time parents and all the grandparents are naturally keen to come and visit as soon as they can. They all live far from us (one set in Norway and one in south of England, whereas we live in Scotland).

They have offered to stay in a b&b nearby (at least one set), as we live in a two-bedroom flat. I am just worried about having to think about their needs as well as the baby's, and getting enough time to bond with the newborn and get to know him/her on our own terms. I am fairly relaxed about my parents, as I think they will be a great help, but if my husband's parents are visiting at the same time (which is likely - they're pensioners and so have lots of time to spare and want to book tickets as soon as I go into labour!) I fear it will be exhausting. My husband insists they can look after themselves, but I know what I'm like...I always want to cook nice meals etc. And I worry about them giving us enough time to just sleep/relax. I am also a bit worried about my husband not having enough time/energy to get to grips with being a dad (he's never changed a nappy in his life and we both have so much to learn!) when his parents are here.

Has anyone had a similar situation? What did you do? Is it reasonable to tell one set of grandparents (or both) that they are more than welcome, but not right from day one, but for example a week after we are out of hospital? Hope this didn't end up in the wrong forum!!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

We had exactly this situation, as we live in Germany, and even though I'd stressed that I wanted MY parents there first, MIL somehow booked for them to come at exactly the same time.

Even though both sets stayed in a B&B, it was very stressful having them all there at once as they all wanted a 'go' with DD at the same time, and my dad would be asking FIL to let him have a go pushing the pram etc... Drove me crazy.

IMO, it's not so much how soon after the birth they come, as much as not having them all there at once.

DD is 18months old now and it still makes me tense to think of it.

please put your foot down! you might, like me, have an unplanned c section, be full of the baby blues and very emotional. there's no way i couldve coped with that! take it from us, you will not want them there. wait 1 week at least. put yourself first. this is a life changing event- if you give in to them you will probably regret it in a big way!

i always found that people rushed round in the first week, then after that people left me alone, when i wanted company!

I'm with noonar. I ended up with unplanned c-section and then my parents rushed to the hospital on the day DS was born whilst DH caught up with sleep grrr.

This was fine as it is their first gc but they then came two days later with my aunt and insisted on staying for hours whilst DS was permanently latched on as I was struggling with BF oh and my Dad tried to videocam it all.

My Dad then had to be put off from visiting the day we got out of hospital. My parents are lovely but just dying to see their gc and had forgotten how hard the first few weeks are.

If your DH goes back to work after two weeks then that would be a great time for them to come each set separately and staying in a B&B. If they must stay with you then set the ground rules, they make the meals, they do their own laundry or they don't come.

My MIL came to stay 2 weeks after having dd when DH went back to work.

Total nightmare, all she wanted to do was "help" by taking dd off me but it didn't seem to occur to her that making me a cuppa or God-forbid, doing some cooking might be more help. I felt uncomfortable BF in front of her especially as it wasn't going well (at one point when dd was wailing she said "Ooh poor dd, your mummy's not making you enough milk is she?" and just couldn't relax.

TBH the whole episode stuffed up my relationship with her and I still feel hugely resentful. This time I've hired a post natal doula for 6 weeks and I won't be having anyone to stay full stop.

Anyway, the baby will be so much more ineteresting once they're a few weeks older and smiling etc, far more fun for grandparents.

It'd be probably too much to expect to have someone staying at your place just after baby is born.
however, I loved to have my parents and my parents in law coming to see me as soon as ds was born. and my friends as well. I missed all that when I had dd here in england, and just my mum was here.

If your dh will be at home with you for the 1st week or longer after the birth DON'T LET THEM COME THEN. Joyous though you'll feel, you'll also feel very emotionally sensitive and up and down. Not to mention leaky/sore boobs (watch out for day 2 or 3 if bf !/ lochia. Really the last thing you'll want is to be worrying about the grandparents. The boobs, the lochia etc and the emotions are all VERY MANAGEABLE IF YOU STAY CALM, WELL FED AND RESTED. You won't feel calm at all if you're worrying about your visitors. Because they aren't near, they can't exactly pop in quickly after the birth and then come back after, say, a fortnight.

Personally I'd recommend the following:

• none of them in your flat; all to B&B, even if the visits are staggered
• visits to overlap with your dh being at home for a day or 2, so he can help you "lay out the territory"/ show them what he can do too/back you up if you're feeling overwhelmed
• be clear what sort of help you want; cooking casseroles, soups etc is great. So is food shopping, doing the laundry etc.
• don't be shy about going off for a nap with baby when it suits YOU, even if they've popped in from the B&B at 10.30am one morning. You might have had a particularly bad night and just need to get your head down.

I've had 4; after the first I knew exactly what I needed postnatally. I'm actually quite jealous in a way that this kind of sounding board just wasn't available for me first time around.

"i always found that people rushed round in the first week, then after that people left me alone, when i wanted company!"
That is so true!!
When DH was home with me for 2 weeks I had MIL here constantly. She even brought over meals so we didn't have to cook. As soon as DH went beck to work I was on my own completely.
Needless to say we ate a lot of takeaway taht 3rd week!

For my own 2 pence worth, here's what I learned!!!

The first few weeks are the time when the kind of help you need is with cooking and cleaning, not for people to nick your new baby and take away your precious bonding time. Buy a sling and carry your baby in it, especially when the gps are there, as then you can say "oh, I can't disturb him/her now, s/he's just settled" and people who find it acceptable to lean over and "nicely" steal a baby from mummy's arms (grrrr!!) can't do it if they are tucked up in a sling!

I also learned that if you've had enough it's OK to say no. It's also ok to throw a rabidly hormonal strop/disappear off for a sleep or some peace and quiet/remove the baby from someone's grip and tell everyone they are overstimulated/tell everyone to bugger off and prime dh to whisper "it's her hormones" so that you will later be forgiven etc etc.

The biggest thing I learned is to pay attention to baby. I went to visit my family who live overseas when ds was 3 mths. They were over the moon to see him and although were very careful to respect my wishes (hurray!) did play pass the parcel a bit on the first day after we arrived. I thought at one point ds was looking a bit out of sorts but held my tongue as I didn't want to spoil my parents' fun. 5 mins later ds was a wailing heap, totally inconsolable, and it took me about 2 hrs to calm him down again, which was totally out of character. My parents actually told me off for not following my instincts and telling them he had had enough (ooh I wish they lived closer....MIL lives just up the road and is barking mad)
...anyway, big waffly point is that it's YOUR baby and YOU are the mummy so what you say goes. Like it or lump it. And you can afford to put your foot down as any snappiness will be put down to hormones and you will be forgiven.

Just don't have all 4 at once, oh lordy no!!!

ASkl them to leave it a week or so. You have no idea what sort of birth you will have, how knackered you will feel. The first few days at least should just be you, dh and your little bundle. You need to sleep, be together and find your feet. Too much stress worrying about others. You need to concentrate on you and baby and dh needs to cook, clean and provide emotional support

Congrats btw!

I imposed a six-week rule with one set of gps

they weren't allowed for six weeks

I was v. glad I did this as I spent the first four weeks naked, leaking and crying almost more than the baby

OhMIGOD, you MUST insist that they all stay in B&Bs if they have to come at all. IF the in-laws really CAN take care of themselves then it should be no problem. If its too much hassle for them, then you definitely dont need them around you with the new baby! I had my first 4 weeks ago and Im SHOCKED at how much work it is. My husband does all the housework, and my mother in law pops in twice a day to bring me lunch and dinner , because honestly, since she was born, Ive basically had a baby plugged to my breast and havent been able to move from the sofa. So you basically have your boobs hanging out all day if youre breastfeeding. I dont know if thats a sight you really want your elderly father in law to see! Im lucky if I just about manage a shower, but you can guarantee that the second you step in the shower the baby will start crying! Couple that with the fact that you cant sleep more than 2-3 hours in a row at night, and even if you have an easy birth like I did, you bleed for weeks and weeks and your iron levels become so low that its difficult to find the energy to put something in the microwave.
Just telling it like it is, so please don`t let your in-laws stay with you.

Totally agree, you must have some time on your own with baby, and not have gps in your house all the time, no matter how close you are. Tackle this one before the baby is born, 'cos you will be too tired and emotional to deal with it after. Best of luck, I really feel for you on this one.

I had exactly the same with my in-laws who live in Germany. They didn't mean to be demanding, and (at my request) stayed in a hotel, but I still found it too much when they turned up at our house for dinner expecting me to sit at the table, eat with them and make polite conversation - totally impossible and I ran off up to bed feeling childish. Visits in the hospital were fine, as, because I looked so ill noone stayed long, but at home it was too much to deal with.

I think that if they are desperate to see baby, grand parents should come for a quick visit (one day) near the birth and then for a longer visit when the baby is, say, a month old.

In future I will lie about my due date so that I have a couple of weeks' space.

Hmm, it depends on how much help you need. I had DS2 two days before DS1's third birthday, and my ILs appeared, stayed over, took care of DS1, and helped out. Yes, if they come over and help when I'm well, that winds me up immensely, but when I actually need the help, they manage to do it without annoying me at all.

(It probably helps a bit that MIL is a doctor, so I feel that she could possibly help a bit if I had a flap.)